What We Had In The Beginning
by imagination0615
Summary: Natalia's goal is to survive the Black Widow Program, no matter what. She doesn't care about the title yet she won't let anyone get in her way. One girl will make it out alive and she intends to be that girl. But a blue eyed soldier might just start to make her feel things she's never felt before and was trained to not feel at all, this could compromise everything she's worked for.
1. Chapter 1: Training Partners

_Natalia's POV_

Pain, that's all I feel as I open my eyes and stare up at the moldy ceiling. Looking around I find that the other girls are still asleep. As I sit up and stretch, I can feel the muscles in my back pull and ache. The beds they give us might as well be made of rocks. All they're really made of is a thin pad of cotton, a pillow case stuffed with straw, and a thin sheet, some even with holes. I still have about 2 hours until we have to wake up, but I've always had this habit of waking up a couple hours early. I uncuff my right hand from the bed post with a key that's hidden under my pillow and walk over to the small window at the corner of the room, seeing that the sun hasn't even begun to rise yet. So it must be somewhere around 5-6 in the morning. From what I can tell our room's in a basement, I don't remember ever going more than a couple yards from the building if I'm being honest. Most of the windows are boarded up so we can't see outside, except this one. I don't know if they're keeping us in or if they're just testing us to see who would try to escape. I recall a couple years ago one girl tried to squeeze her way out of this window and after that we never saw her again. I can't even remember her name or what she looked like. It's easy to get the girls here mixed up because they all look alike. They either have black or blonde hair, with blue or brown eyes. Most of the girls here aren't even from Russia, I can tell because when they speak Russian it has a slight accent to it. From what I can tell most of them are from Switzerland or Norway. Only a handful of us were Russian, but those girls are already gone. I'm the only one left.

I walk back over to my bed and kneel down onto the floor. Feeling around, my hand brushes against a brown, medium sized box. I pull it out and uncover it. All that's inside is a pair of training pants, 2 pairs of shorts, 4 pairs of underwear, 1 bra, and 3 shirts. That's all we get, no shoes because we're inside most of the time and that would be too much of a luxury. When we do actually get to go outside it's because we're being punished. They blind fold us, pour ice cold water over our heads, and make us stand barefoot in the snow for hours and on rare occasions they'll strip us down naked. I haven't been punished like that yet and I'd like to keep it that way.

Getting up from the floor, I change into my training pants and a clean shirt. After I place the box back under my bed, I get up and quietly make my way up the stairs that lead out of the basement. I stop for a second and listen, waiting to make sure everyone's still asleep. I haven't been caught yet, but I like to think that they wouldn't punish me for waking up early and training.

When I'm sure no one's awake, I carefully making my way to the training room. After the many years of being here and sneaking to the training room, I've mastered the ability to not make a single sound while walking, or pretty much doing anything. Ivan says it's a good habit to have for the future.

I walk through the kitchen, which's on the first floor, and make my way to the staircase that leads to the training room. I'm not sure how many stories there are but so far I've only been up until the 4th floor. The 1st floor has the kitchen and dining hall. The 2nd floor is specifically for training purposes, from combat, dancing, espionage, speaking different languages, and practicing our covers. The 3rd floor has the infirmary and washroom where we do our laundry, shower, and brush our teeth. I can't really remember what's on the 4th floor but I know I've been up there. There are more floors but we aren't allowed to go up any further, we aren't allowed to really go anywhere by ourselves. I'm pretty sure they have extra rooms on the other floors but I'm not sure how many. Sometimes we hear screaming and a lot of noises but we've learned the hard way to not ask any questions about it.

I quietly make my way up the staircase until I get to the 2nd floor. The floor's made of grey concrete just like the whole building and has rusty pipes coming out from the ceiling. The pipes are for the plumbing only. We don't get any heat or hot water. We're lucky they give us blankets, they aren't that thick but it's enough to not let us freeze to death. The people here don't give us the luxuries normal people get, so it makes us grateful for the things that we do get.

When I reach the training room it's exactly how I expected it to be, empty. There are punching bags, weights, pull up bars, and a giant fighting mat in the middle of the room.

As I walk to the far corner of the room, I take the scrunchy from my wrist and tie my hair up into a pony tail to get it out of my face. My hair, unlike the other girls, is red and it's pretty much a giant target. They do whatever they can to hurt me, whether it's making fun of how pale I am, saying my hair is ugly and pulling at it, or saying how I'm too skinny, to even beating me up in the showers. I don't know if they're jealous or they just don't like me but the other girls treat me like I'm not good enough to be here. They tell me that I'm the one that's going to be kicked out of the program next, but what they don't know is that I could care less about what they think. Whenever we fight against each other I try my best to not overpower them too much, whereas they use every ounce of their strength to win. They get so focused on trying to beat me that they don't pay attention to what my next move's going to be. I always let them win in the end though, I make them think they're better. But when we have our individual tests in front of the teachers I don't hold back. I show them that I _am_ good enough. I'm not here to impress my competition, I'm here to impress the people who's responsible for if I die or not. I could care less of what those girls think or say about me. Yeah they're all best friends now but when the numbers of us gets smaller and smaller do you think they'll all still be best friends?

I roll my shoulders feeling how tense they are and decide to do some stretches to warm up. I sit down on one of the mats and stretch my legs out, bending over so my hands are gripping my feet. For the next couple minutes I did a series of stretches, splits, and flips.

As I finish my last warm up I feel completely awake. I decide to start off with some pull ups. The training room has two poles placed in the floor and one going across so we can do our exercises.

I wrap my hands firmly around the metal bar and take a deep breath. As I use my strength to pull myself up, I clench my eyes shut and breathe slowly through my nose. My arms are already starting to ache but I continue to push myself. After a few more minutes I decide to stop. I needed to move onto the next exercise which's sit ups.

Soon enough I finish and lie down on my back, just looking up at the ceiling to catch my breath. There's a slight crack in the ceiling and grayish light spills through onto my face. The sun should be rising soon, which means everyone will be waking up. With that in mind I walk over to the punching bags and giving it a couple quick jabs. We don't get the privilege of wrapping our hands so they won't get injured, getting injured is apart of our training. It helps us tolerate pain. If two girls fight against each other and one breaks an arm she's expected to keep going. She's actually expected to try and push herself to do better than the rest of us, and if she doesn't-

The sound of footsteps brings me out of my thoughts. I realize it's the rest of the girls walking to the washroom to get ready for breakfast. I get up and quickly follow the sound of footsteps to find the girls walking in a single file line. I fall into sync behind one of the girls and we make our way into the washroom. It's not really that big but it isn't too small either. The whole room's covered in clean white tiles but the ceiling, like the rest of the building, is pealing and looks like it's about to collapse. The tiles are so white and clean it makes me nauseous. There are a line of sinks and toilets going down from the door to the middle of the room and from the middle of the room to the end is a line of showers, each one assigned to someone.

I walk to my sink, which is between Osa and Enora who are both from Norway, and begin brushing my teeth. I can't help but peek over at the other girls, finding most of them giving me dirty looks. _Great._ When I finish brushing my teeth and washing my face, I follow the rest of the girls into the dining hall. Waiting on the table for us is a cup of milk and a bowl of ukha, fish soup, for each of us. All it really is, is boiled fish and potatoes. Completely flavorless, but we don't complain. A girl a couple months ago complained about the food and I'm sure you can guess what happened to her. The weirdest things can get you taken out of the program, so you have to think twice about everything you're about to do. Whether it's eating, walking, or even breathing.

"Slushat' (Listen), tomorrow we will have a special guest visiting us. He's one of the best assassins I've ever come across." A voice rings through the dining hall. He's a short man with greasy black hair that's slicked back with gel and he always has this smug look when he's bossing someone around. His name's Nikolay, one of the commanding officers that's helping out with the Black Widow Program. I'm pretty sure if the other commanders could, they would replace him in a heart beat. He's arrogant, conceited, and thinks he's more superior than everyone here. "Today you will be working on hand to hand combat with each other. You will go against the Winter Soldier tomorrow and if you are chosen, you will get to train with him."

With that we stand up and make our way to the training room. Every couple weeks the officers assign us different partners to train with, they have to keep switching our partners so we don't create a bond with each other. That could compromise our training. But that little rule's pretty pointless, now that all the girls already have their little clique. I'm paired up with a girl named Yelena this time, she has blonde hair and blue eyes. She was born in Norway but her parents are from Russia. She once randomly told me that last year when we were having dinner. Me and Yelena are pretty much the outcasts of the group. We're not friends or anything but we aren't enemies either, unlike the other girls. Me and Yelena have a lot in common actually. We don't try and make friends with the other girls, we're both the smallest and youngest in the group, and we both get picked on by the other girls as well. The oldest girl, Enora, is 19. Yelena is 17 and I should be turning 17 soon. I don't know the exact date of my birthday, but when we have our individual assessments they state our name and age. I counted 11 months that I've been 16. So my birthday should be anytime now.

As me and Yelena fight I can't help but notice how slow and sloppy her hits are. She isn't the best fighter which is what makes her a target for the other girls. I'm actually surprised she's made it this far in the program. Once a month we get our individual test with the commanding officers and the head chairman of the Black Widow Program. The head chairman runs the whole program, he's the one who came up with the whole idea of it. He's also what some would call it, my 'stepfather'. After our individual assessment we get scored, then they hang up the scores in the training room so we can see who we have to compete against. When we do our assessment we have to fight one of the head officers in the Red Room. None of us ever win though, which is expected. Enora's first, then me, the other girls, and finally Yelena is last. I know she isn't holding back like I am. The girls don't so much as pick on Yelena anymore then they do to me now because they know she won't last very long. The reason they still pick on me is because I'm number 2 on the score list, I'm still a threat to them.

Dodging Yelena's punch, I connect my fist with the right side of her stomach. She lets out a gasp but only so it's loud enough for me to hear. I want to stop to see if she's okay but the officers are in the training room scrutinizing us. I get into position again and wait for her to make the next move. Yelena lets out a breath then starts running towards me. Her fist are pulled back getting ready to punch me but right when she's about to swing I grab it and force her hand behind her back. She lets out a strangled cry and drops to her knees. I quickly glance at the officers and find them shaking their heads at her. She's not going to make it. We fight for a while longer and I let her get a couple hits to me here and there just for show. After a couple more minutes the officers allow us to sit and take a break.

All the girls sit in a line from one end of the room to the other and start talking among themselves. Wiping my forehead, I find it covered in sweat. We've all been practicing for a couple hours, so we're all pretty exhausted.

Me and Yelena both sit all the way at the end of the room. She knows that she isn't going to make it past this week and she's taking it fairly well. By now half of these girls, if they knew they weren't going to make it, would be begging on their knees and crying.

"Hey, if you want I can help you train." I offer Yelena, who just looks over at me and gives me a small smile.

"Thanks, but we have to train with the Winter Soldier _tomorrow_. We won't have enough time." She shrugs and begins playing with the end of her shirt. Her Russian isn't very good either. "I've accepted the fact that I won't be in the program anymore."

"You'd be surprised at how much you can learn in one day. Tonight when everyone goes to bed, meet me in the training room." With that we all get up and continue training. Me and Yelena fight for a couple more hours and I give her some advice to help her. For instance, keep your stance firm, block with your elbows, and don't just use your hands. An officer then orders us to sit in a single line along the edge of the fighting mat.

"Osa and Lena, on the mat." Nikolay orders. The two girls walk onto the mat and get into their fighting stance. Osa without warning, throws the first punch and hits Lena square in the face, knocking her back. Lena catches herself before she falls and gets back into her stance. For the next couple minutes they throw punches and kicks at each other. Soon enough Lena's knocked unconscious and is dragged off the mat. They call another girl up to fight against Osa, half of the girls lose against her until she goes up against Enora. Then it's Enora against another girl named Hilma. Hilma's very broad and can really throw a punch. It only takes Hilma one punch to knock Enora out, next is Yelena against Hilma. Before she gets up to go to the mat, I whisper for her to use her size as an advantage. She can easily dodge the blows and maybe get a lucky hit.

Before Yelena can make it to the middle of the fighting mat, Hilma charges at her. Yelena easily dodges it but stumbles a little, surprised. Hilma doesn't waste anytime and charges again. Yelena studies Hilma and blocks the punch that comes her way. This lasts a while, Yelena blocking the punches from Hilma and Hilma getting very aggravated, until out of nowhere Yelena punches Hilma and she fell to the floor with a bloody nose. Yelena looks absolutely shocked and smiles widely. Next is Yelena and Anja against each other. The fight doesn't last very long and Yelena's dragged off the mat. I'm the last one left to fight. I walk to the middle of the mat and wait for Anja to throw the first punch. She looks at me with absolute hatred and aims for my stomach. I catch her hand but not soon enough, letting out a grunt as her fist connects with my stomach. Grabbing her arm, I twist her hand back. Anja takes her other hand and punches me in the jaw. I let go of her arm and stumble back. I can kill her if I wanted to but that could get me punished or even killed. I remember that Yelena got a lucky punch to her left side and decide to aim there. Me and Anja both crouch down then start to run towards each other and then past. I dodge her punch and spin her around the other way so she's facing me. I then fall back onto the mat and kick her in the ribs. Anja lets out a scream and holds her side. I take that opportunity to kick her feet from under her and she falls to the floor. Stopping for a second, I remember that people are watching. The rest of the girls are looking at me in shock as well as the other officers, well except for the chairman. Ivan already knows what I can do. Anja then gets up and I let her beat me to the floor until I'm bruised and bloody.

"Alright ladies, head over to the dining hall for dinner. If anything's broken or bleeding go to the infirmary." Ivan orders. We all get up and walk out of the training room. We aren't allowed to eat lunch, it's just some rule they placed a couple years ago. "Natalia, I need to speak with you."

I fall behind the girls that are heading to the infirmary and wait for Ivan. He's a tall man and I reach just bellow his shoulders. He has black hair that's slicked back with gel and a black mustache.

"You did good in there, too good." He comments, raising an eyebrow. I nod in understanding and we continue walking.

"I know, I'm sorry." I apologize, not wanting to look up at him. Ivan isn't really one to get mad, but I've always felt deep down that one day he'll snap.

"Don't apologize doch' (daughter), just be careful next time." He gives me a smile then guides me to the infirmary. I catch up with the other girls and sit next to Yelena and wait to get called in. Ivan then turns around and walks away. Ivan and I have a weird, father daughter relationship if you can call it that. He got me when I was only an infant when my mother threw me out of a burning building and he caught me. Since then he's raised me as his own. He had the idea of the Black Widow Program since the day he taught me to shoot a gun when I was 6. He wanted to make the ultimate female assassin. Before he started the program we agreed for me to not put every ounce of effort into my fighting so it would be fair to the other girls since I've been training since I was 5 years old. It was actually my idea to let other girls be in the program, it was only suppose to be me. When Ivan started the program he made sure to inform me that I might not make it out of the program alive because he wasn't going to choose favorites.

Before I know it, it's my turn to go in to get looked at. Only 2 girls, Anja being one, had something broken, the rest of us just have some scrapes and bruises. I walk into the room and find the nurse waiting for me. He's a scrawny man with short blond hair, he has to be somewhere in his late 20s. The problem with him is that he's a complete weirdo. None of the girls like coming to the infirmary because he always tries something on us. Whether it's touching us inappropriately or saying really disturbing things to make us uncomfortable. His name is John Davis, he was born in America but I'm not sure where in America. I can tell he's from there because of his name and his sad excuse of speaking Russian.

"Sit down doll face." He gestures to the metal table. I hop onto the table and he starts to examine my face. I don't get to see my reflection but I know I'm bleeding from my left eyebrow, nose, and bottom lip. Anja mainly aimed for my face. John grabs my chin roughly and starts dabbing a cotton ball with alcohol on my cuts. I don't flinch but it still hurts like hell. I make it a habit to not let my emotions show on the outside, that and we aren't allowed to show out feelings. We have to be able to control them to the point that we're almost like robots. Desensitizing us is another part of our training.

John's thumb starts to rub my chin in an attempt to make it feel comforting, but it only makes me want to throw up. He gives me a half grin thinking it would make me swoon, but all I catch is a whiff of his breath that smells like cigarettes and vodka. I clench my fist into my lap so I don't hit him. We aren't allowed to physically hurt any of the workers here, even if they're being extremely inappropriate. John finishes up my face and takes his hands away, I'm about to hop off the table and leave as quickly as possible but he stops me by grabbing my waist tightly and pushing me back down.

"Is there anywhere else you need checking out?" He asks with a sly smile. His hands begin to run up my sides and up under the back of my shirt. If I could just twist his neck and kill him, we shouldn't have to deal with this kind of behavior from our nurse _or anyone_. Especially after we've just been beaten the shit out of. Men need to have more respect for women, doesn't he know that we can easily kill him with just the twist of our wrist? This whole building is full of men and they expect us to give them respect when they don't even have the decency to return it.

Clenching my teeth, I push his hands away and make my way out of the room. As I head for the dining hall I close my eyes and take deep breaths to calm myself. When I make it to the dining hall I find Yelena by herself and decide to sit next to her. We don't say anything to each other at first and instead just eat our dinner in silence.

Eventually halfway through eating, I start to give Yelena more advice on her fighting, some of the other girls roll their eyes at us but I notice that they still listen intently. After dinner we all go to the showers, then to bed. It takes awhile for all the girls to fall asleep, I mean it's not easy to fall asleep with your hand cuffed to a post. It's for a precaution, this hasn't happened in years, but once in a while one of the girls will wake up and just loose control on everyone who's in the building. 3 years ago it happened and 2 girls and an officer died. Since then they've been handcuffing us.

When the last officer leaves after making sure we're all asleep, I wait about 30 minutes before getting up to head to the training room. Everything's pitch black. I feel around until I make it to the far corner of the room where they keep the oil lamps. I light about 3 and carry them to the fighting mat, then sit down to wait for her. Yelena has a lot to learn if she wants to make it out alive tomorrow. Soon enough I can hear her footsteps coming towards the training room.

"I'm glad you came." I say getting up from the mat. She looks at me like she's about to completely fall apart.

"What if I don't make it tomorrow?" Yelena asks with a shaky voice. Her eyes and cheeks are red from crying and her hands are shaking. "The Winter Soldier won't think I'm good enough."

"Yes he will. I'm not saying after tonight you will be able to beat everyone in the program, but I _am_ saying you will be able to make it through tomorrow." I promise her.

I never really gave the Winter Soldier much thought. When Nikolay mentioned him I didn't really have an opinion on him, I still don't. I don't really know much about him, other than the fact that he's a good trainer and his name is the Winter Soldier. I've heard things about him throughout the years from the other officers, but I just assumed be has a myth. I wonder how he got the name Winter Soldier. Ivan wouldn't have him train us if he didn't think he was good. I'm just worried about _how _good he is. What if he only wants to train 3 of us, or maybe just 1? Then the rest of us die. What if none of us are good enough to train with him and they just kill everyone? All I know is that I'm most definitely not holding back on the Winter Soldier, I'll show him I can be good enough to train with him.

* * *

**First chapter, hope you guys liked it. R&amp;R! :) Also I have a Pinterest board dedicated to the story. It has what I imagine the characters to look like, the settings, and more. Just search my username which is the same as my fanfic username, then message me and I'll add you to the secret board.**


	2. Chapter 2: Blue Eyed Soldier

Me and Yelena have been training for a good 3 hours now, and it hasn't been easy. She's slow, which will definitely get her killed, but she's a lot better than how she was earlier today. I'm not sure what time it is but I know in a couple hours the other girls will be waking up, we'll have to head back to bed soon or else we won't be able to wake up for our test.

So far I've taught Yelena how to always stay on her feet, block and dodge punches and kicks, and how to get out of being trapped by your opponent. She learns quickly, but needs to work on her speed. Give it a couple more nights and she'll be as good as Nora, out of the 14 girls that are here Nora is number 12 on the score list. It's better than being the last person. Me and Yelena are now lying on the mat looking up at the cracked ceiling, white moon light seeping down onto our faces.

"Do you remember growing up?" She asks me. I don't have to turn my head to know she 's looking at me. I think about her question. Growing up? I never really thought about it. All I know is that Ivan's always been with me.

"I remember a fire, blood, and a lot of screaming, but that's about it. There's a lot of blank spots." I answer her. I don't specifically remember where the blood's from or the screaming but I do know the fire's from when my parents died. I really don't know how I remember that, I had to have been at least 2 when it happened.

"Me too, but instead it's just a lot of blonde hair. Maybe it's my mom's, I'm pretty sure she had blonde hair." Yelena continues to go on about what she remembers from when she was growing up, which isn't much, and what she thought her parents looked like. All any of us really know about our parents is how they died and where they're from, but none of us know their names or what they look like. It's a little odd really. It's not that I don't care about what Yelena's saying, it's just we aren't allowed to talk about our childhood and it makes me slightly uncomfortable.

"We should head back to bed." I interrupt her, sitting up. Standing up, I put the lamps back in the corner and blow them out. We both silently walk back to the basement, then go to our separate beds. I really hope she doesn't think we're friends just because I'm helping her, I don't need friends. They'll just distract me from what's really important.

I take the handcuff that's dangling from the metal bedpost and wrap it around my wrist, locking it in place. I don't remember waking up in the middle of the night and going into a killing rage but on more than one occasion I have woken up with a bloody wrist. It scares me to think of what I might be capable of when I do go into one.

As I try to fall sleep, my mind keeps drifting to what might happen tomorrow and who this Winter Soldier is. I've heard some things about him but I can't be sure what's true or not, I didn't even think he was real until now. My curiosity gets the best of me and that's all I can think about for the rest of the night. What does he look like, how did he become such a good assassin, where is he from? These are dangerous thoughts and I don't like them. None of those things matter, all that matters is passing the test tomorrow so I can train with him and eventually become the Black Widow. The title isn't what's important to me, but living is what I really want out of all of this. I'll do anything if it means staying alive.

* * *

The next morning Ivan personally comes to fetch us. We all quickly change into our training clothes and follow him out of the room to the 3rd floor. As me and the girls make our way to the washroom to freshen up, I can't help but look around in surprise. Everything's in absolute chaos, there are officers running around and shouting orders. It's like when you stomp on an ant pile and the ants start running around in all different directions. I guess the Winter Soldier's a bigger deal than I thought.

"Get ready, then wait to be escorted to the training room." Ivan orders, then leaves us. While I brush my teeth I can't help but listen in to what the other girls are talking about from across the room. I mean it's hard not to, they aren't really being quiet about it.

"What do you think he looks like?" Enora asks Anja who hasn't stopped scowling at me since we walked into the washroom. She must still be bitter about the broken ribs.

"I hope he's cute." Osa chimes in. All the girls, except me and Yelena, begin to giggle. I can't help but roll my eyes. Here we are, about to see who might not live to see tomorrow and all they can think about is if the Winter Soldier's going to be cute. Can these girls get anymore pathetic?

"What do you think Natalia?" Hilma asks me with a smirk. Her black hair's in a messy bun and she looks at me like I'm just a toy to mess with. Every time I'd glance at her, even if it's for a brief second, she'd give me a sickening look of disgust. Now, she doesn't hate me because I'm the smallest or because I'm number 2 on the score list, she hates me because I embarrassed her 4 years ago in front of the chairman and 7 other Soviet leaders. It was a surprise visit from them, they showed up right when me and Hilma were fighting each other. That was our assessment for that month, it was against the other girls. That month 2 girls got taken out. When the program started there were 28 of us, now we're down to 14. After the assessment Hilma dragged me into the showers and beat me senseless, she of course got punished for it later. Ever since then she's made it her personal duty to humiliate me, whether it's tripping me in front of the officers or showing no mercy when we partner off. It was hell when me and Hilma were paired together a few weeks ago. It's like every time we get paired together she makes it even worse for me, but I can handle it, I wouldn't still be here if I couldn't

"I think we should be focusing on other things." I say splashing water on my face, some of the girls scoff. When I pat my face dry and turn around, Hilma and Enora are standing there.

"You think you're so much better than us just because you're the chairman's daughter don't you?" Enora snarles. Not this again. "I'll show you who's better." With that she wraps her right hand firmly around my neck so I can't breathe. I don't react because I refuse to give her that satisfaction nor do I break eye contact with her.

"Enora, ladies, training room." Nikolay interrupts, appearing through the doorway. Enora releases her grip on my neck, looking me over in disdain, then stomps away. Hilma spits at my feet and follows Enora out the door. As I walk pass the other girls they give me no form of pity, not even Yelena. Good, I don't want it. I would rather stand out in the snow, soaking wet than have people pity me.

When we get to the 2nd floor everyone's at attention, it's so quiet you would think no one was in the room. I notice that one officer's sweating and his hands are shaking nervously. I catch his gaze and he gives me the most miserable look I've ever seen. We line up against the wall in alphabetical order and wait for instructions. I'm the last one in line. Leaning against the wall, I begin studying my feet. Who is this Winter Soldier and why is everyone so afraid of him? What has he done that's so bad, other than kill people; I'm sure he has. Killing is such a big part of our everyday lives that it's not much of a big deal anymore, the Red Room makes sure of that. I've even killed someone, I mean didn't want to, but it was still by my hand. It happened when I was 13, it was a test to see if I could follow orders.

I quickly look up from my feet and catch a quick glimpse of black and silver flash before my eyes into the training room. When the room door closes almost everyone in the room starts whispering to each other.

"Vnimaniye (Attention), no one speaks to him unless spoken to. I will call each one of you one by one." Ivan explains. He walks down the line and stops in front of one of the girls who's standing the closest to the training room. "Donia Aabel, you're first my dear."

Donia's a tall, blonde haired, skinny, Norwegian, 18 year old. I don't think I've ever talked to her, even when we were paired together. She walks up to the door and Ivan opens it for her.

The next couple minutes go by in silence, until we hear a loud deafening scream. The training room door springs open to reveal Donia, who stumbles out of the room and collapses onto the floor. Her face's so bloody it's completely unrecognizable and on her left arm you can see a bulge sticking out, definitely broken. Leaning my head back, I take deep breaths to wash away the nausea that's creeping into my stomach. I need to focus, don't think about the other girls.

Lena Beckius

Yelena Belova

Enora Dotseth

Osa Hillestad

Pouline Klein

Anja Lindbeck

Hilma Norheim

Wendeliena Osterman

Yulia Prestegard

Nora Quarnstrom

Velina Radev

Milgred Ramsvik

Each girl comes out more bruised and more bloodied. Hilma looks like both of her legs are broken by the way an officer has to pick her up and carry her out and Yelena looks like her face got mauled by a dog. When Milgred stumbles out not looking any different than the other girls my stomach drops. It's my turn_._ Ivan gives me a nod, then opens the door for me. When I walk in, there's a single light on in the middle of the training mat while everywhere else's pitch black.

I walk onto the mat right under where the light's shining. I know he's studying me, even though he still hasn't revealed himself yet. He's trying to pinpoint my weaknesses, the areas of my body where he'll be able to take me down easier. This instantly gets me mad. How is this fair?

"Don't you think it would be fair if I got to study you as well?" I ask him. As soon as the words leave my mouth I realize I've already disobeyed Ivan. After a few moments I can hear soft footsteps walking in my direction, towards the middle of the training mat, towards me.

The Winter Soldier's tall, at least 5'9", he's broad but that could probably just be from his black uniform. He looks like he's somewhere in his late 20s, early 30s. His dark brown hair stops just below his eyes, some strands falling over his face. What shocks me isn't the metal that encases his left arm or the black mask that covers his mouth and nose, but his eyes. There's so much emotion behind his blue eyes, pain, anger, confusion; so many emotions are trapped behind them. But at the same time I don't have a clue how he's feeling right now and this frustrates me, normally it's pretty easy for me to read people. I then begin to wonder what he had to go through to become what he is now, surely it wasn't easy or painless.

Snapping out of my thoughts I begin studying him as well. His left arm's obviously stronger than the right. He isn't going to go easy on me, that I know for sure. My best shot would be to attack him from his right side, also I won't be able to just use my hands. Most of the time when we train we only use our hands, but with him I need to use everything I have. My arms, legs, feet, hands, body weight.

I take my scrunchy from around my wrist and tie my hair back, getting ready for him to strike first. Without a warning he steps forward and attempts to grab my neck with his left hand but I wasn't going to let that happen, my neck's already sore from when Enora grabbed it earlier. When he's fighting that's probably what he usually goes for first, the throat. I move my head and catch his arm, spinning so I'm behind him. He tries to turn around to look at me but I follow his body movements so he can't see me. This just aggravates him. He turns completely around and grips me tightly by the arm with his metal one, flinging me across the room. I don't pay attention to the pain, instead I get up and ready myself for what he's about to do next.

The mistake he just made was throwing me in the corner of the room where he can't see me, I can tell he realizes the mistake he made by the way he clenches his fists. I take a deep breath and start sprinting towards him. My hands immediately grip the front of his black armor and one of his upper arms. I then pull myself up onto his shoulders, wrapping my legs around his head and dropping my weight to the floor. As I fall, his left hand grips my right calf and squeezes causing a jolt of pain to run up my leg. I bite my lip, trying to not make a sound. That's going to bruise.

When we land, he lets out a painful grunt. I roll away from him immediately getting into position to attack again, ignoring the pain in my leg. As the Winter Soldier gets up, I notice both of his fist begin to clench, which doesn't seem like a good sign. I'm about to swing my fist at him but he catches it and pulls me towards him so our chests are touching. He then grabs my other hand and twists it behind my back. I didn't cry out in pain, I can't. His eyes bore into mine like I'm an open book, like every emotion and thought I have is right there for him to look at whenever he pleases.

I slam my head against his and his grip on my arms loosen. I take that opportunity to knee him in the stomach and slam my fist against his cheek. He stumbles back in surprise, blood starting to slide down from his head over his black mask. Dropping down to the ground I kick his feet from under him and attempt to stand back up, but before he falls the Soldier grabs my neck and drags me back down with him. Rolling over so he's on top, he repeatedly connects his right fist with my face. I can feel the blood spilling from my head and begin to soak my hair.

Right when he's about to hit me again, I move my head so his fist connects with the floor. I have an idea, but it might make things worse.

Jerking my left knee up, it connects with his crotch making him freeze altogether and grunt in pain. I then roll us over so I'm straddling his stomach and start slamming my fist against his face. After taking a couple punches, the Soldier catches my fist once again and throws me off of him. He gets up and gives me the most deadly yet intrigued look I've ever seen.

I crouch down onto one knee and he does the same, both of us getting ready to sprint towards each other. We then both start running towards one another, this is starting to get exciting. The Soldier slides down across the floor on his knees while I grab his shoulder and under his chin so I can do a cartwheel over him. I land in a crouch, my back facing him. Looking down I find his mask in my hand. Slowly standing up and turning around, I find the right side of his mouth along with his nose and a cut on his left cheek bleeding. The Winter Soldier has sharp features, from his cheeks down to his jawline. It looks like he has at least a 3 day stubble going on as well.

The Soldier then gets up too and nods, an indication that we're finished. For some reason a feeling of disappointment takes over but I walk to the door and open it, stepping out. Some of the girls have already come back from the infirmary and are sitting on the ground next to the door. Most of them have either crutches, a cast on their leg or arm, or bandages covering most of their face. I look behind me and find the Winter Soldier following me out. Everyone looks up at him in shock, they probably haven't seen him without his mask on before or expect him to bleeding. With that thought in mind I turn completely around and hand him back his mask that I'm still holding onto. When he takes it I don't dare look up at his face. I feel like I don't have the right to, now that we're out of the training room.

Turning around, I make my way to the infirmary. I notice the few girls that are sitting on the floor are looking at me, shocked that I'm still able to walk. Sure I have a limp, but none the less it isn't as bad as the others. I feel good about how things went in the training room. I can tell that none of the other girls got a swing to his face, I don't even think they got a lucky hit anywhere. But the thing that really bothers me is even though I could see countless emotions behind the Winter Soldier's eyes, I still couldn't figure out how he was feeling throughout the fight. When I ripped his mask off his face was completely blank. The only emotion I could detect from him was anger, but he seems like someone who looks naturally angry.

The infirmary has at least 6 girls still waiting to get looked at. Hilma comes out of the room next in a wheelchair. She has a white bandage covering her left eye and a sling over her right arm. Her head's leaning to the side and her right eye's barely able to stay open. Next is Yelena, being carried in by one of the officers. She's unconscious, but so are 3 other girls. I think Nora might have it the worst though, and that's saying something because Hilma broke both of her legs. I overhear John telling the officer that brought her in that Nora has a punctured lung from a broken rib, a crack in her skull, her esophagus is completely crushed, and her neck's dislocated.

After the rest of the girls get fixed up, it's my turn. When I walk in, the first thing I notice is how exhausted the nurse looks. I sit down on the metal table and watch as he looks me over, and not in a gross way either. That's how tired he is.

"Oh thank god, you're not that bad." He says with a breath of relief. As John wipes the blood from my face I notice a red mark on his cheek. I wonder which girl did that? I want to ask but I'm too tired, all I want to do now is sleep. I normally don't get to use my abilities to that extent, so I know I'll be aching tomorrow.

When I head out of the infirmary I decide to take a quick shower. There's still blood soaked into my hair, clothes, and on my knuckles. As I walk into the washroom I notice some of the showers have smudges of blood on the floor and walls, the other girls probably already took showers and are in the dining hall eating breakfast. My stomach rumbles just thinking about food, we had to skip eating and go straight to the training room. Taking off my bloody training clothes, I throw it into a pile by the door where the other girls put theirs. Turning the shower on, I put my hands under the water first and wash off the Soldier's blood.

I duck my head under the ice cold water, watching the blood wash out from my hair. I'm mesmerized at the sight of my blood and the Soldier's mixing together and washing down the drain. After lathering my hair and body with soap and rinsing it off, I turn the shower off and walk to the sinks where the mirrors are. Looking at myself, I analyze every injury on my body. Different colored bruises are scattered across my stomach and back along with some old scars from years of training. My upper arm's already starting to form a red hand shaped bruise as well as the leg the Soldier grabbed, my face though is a whole other story. Both sides of my face have bruises and cuts, from today and the days before. My lip that got busted yesterday has reopened, actually all of my cuts from yesterday have reopened. I have a long scratch running from my left cheek bone to the corner of my mouth but it isn't deep so it won't scar. A black eye's also starting to form on the right side of my face. It isn't a pretty sight.

Grabbing the last towel that's hanging on the wall, I wrap it around myself and make my way to the basement. On my way down the stairs, I look back up the staircase to catch a glimpse of the Soldier walking up to one of the upper floors. He doesn't see me so I keep watching him. Blood's covering both of his hands, mine mixed with 13 other girls. I wonder if he enjoys doing this, training young girls to become assassins. No he can't possibly. I mean I would be able to tell if he liked fighting us, and by the look in his yes he didn't seem to enjoy it. He doesn't seem to enjoy anything. As he disappears out of sight, I turn back around and continue down the stairs. When I get down to the basement, I find it completely empty. I kneel down to the floor and pull out my box from under my bed. I take out a pair of underwear, shorts, and a clean shirt. After I dry off and put my clothes on, I sit down on the bed and brush my hair out with my fingers.

I wonder how many girls won't make it. I know someone's leaving and I can make a guess on who that might be. Even though I don't really get along with the other girls, I can't stand the fact that they might get killed. That's why I try not to get too close to any of them. I remember it was a couple years after the Black Widow Program started, when I was 13, there was a girl named Anastasiya. She looked a lot like me, but instead of green she had brown eyes and she was 2 years older than me. She was like my big sister and watched over me, I guess Ivan noticed how close we were getting and he ordered me to kill her. Sometimes I wonder why he didn't order her to kill me instead.

Eventually I finish brushing out my hair and get up to go to the dining hall where the other girls are. Normally if you were to walk into a room full of teenage girls you would find them giggling and talking to each other, but instead is a room that's completely silent almost like a graveyard. Every girl has either a cast on somewhere, is on crutches, or is wrapped in bandages. Except Hilma, she's sitting in a wheelchair being fed by Enora because she can't lift her neck. Nora hasn't come back from the infirmary either. None of the girls look up when I walk in but the officers do with a glare, they aren't very friendly.

Ivan's also among the officers, he gives me a smile and a nod of pride. He's telling me how proud he is of me putting the soldier in the state that he's in now, since none of the other girls were able to do so. I sit down next to Yelena and she won't even look up at me, she looks exhausted and almost dead. There are bags under her eyes and her skin's pale.

"We're still training tonight." She tries to speak but it only comes out as a whisper. Her hand shakes as she tries to eat. Half of the girls look like they're about to drop dead any second. "The nurse gave us something to relieve some of the pain."

I wonder what the nurse gave them that has them in this state. They've never given us such a thing before. If we ever broke something we had to deal with it, I mean we've never had this much done to us but still. If they expect us to continue training with some of the girls walking around with broken bones then they might just make their injuries worse. One or two broken bones we can deal with, but they have to at least have 4 or 5.

"We don't have to train tonight, you should heal." I offer, trying to talk her out of it. If she continues like this she'll damage herself even more. I know she wants to better herself so she can be as good as the other girls, but she'll be the cause of her own downfall.

"No, we train tonight." She says firmly, ending the conversation. We all eat in silence, only the sound of chewing being heard across the room. Just then the sound of footsteps make us all look to the direction of the door. The Winter Soldier walks in, still in his uniform, and his still blank expression present on his face. The blood's gone from his face and he has a bandage covering the gash I gave him above his right eyebrow. A few cuts and bruises cover the rest of his face, just seeing them makes me feel a sense of satisfaction.

His mouth's set in a thin line and his eyebrows are scrunched together as if he's trying to figure something out. All the girls instantly look back down to their food in fear of catching his gaze. I, instead, can't tear my eyes away. There's something about him that makes me want to hide in a corner when he walks into a room, but also makes me want to keep staring at him. There's also something that makes me want to get to know him better, know how he came to be who he is now. I know what I'm thinking isn't realistic or safe even, but what else am I suppose to do? I'm either going to die today, or train with him tomorrow. The Soldier walks to the far corner of the room, where Ivan and the other officers are standing, and stands next to them.

His eyes scan the room looking over every girl, then lands on me. Probably because I'm staring at him. His expression doesn't change, he doesn't even raise an eyebrow. His eyes never once leave mine though, it then turns into seeing who will look away first. Again his blue eyes bore into mine, like he's reading my every emotion. I don't like being this easy to read, it makes me feel vulnerable. Eventually I catch the attention of one of the officers standing next to the Soldier and quickly look away, he's looking at us suspiciously. Quickly looking back at the Soldier I find him still staring at me, I turn back to my breakfast and continue eating even though I'm not hungry.

After we finish eating, Ivan escortes us to the 2nd floor for our ballet practice. The ballet studio's just next door to the training room and is a little smaller. There are mirrors running along one wall and ballet bars mounted onto the other. The walls are grey and don't give off a comforting vibe, neither does the 2 boarded up windows. Instead of a bland concrete floor, they put down sleek polished wood 2 years ago. We dance better on it.

All the girls, except Hilma who still looks like she's about to pass out and Nora who still hasn't come back from the infirmary, walk over to the cubbies that are in the corner of the room and get out their ballet shoes. They're practically falling apart, the pink ribbon isn't even pink anymore, the platforms are almost completely worn out, and the soles are pretty much gone. Out of the 14 girls, 1 can't even stand, 3 have crutches, 1 is probably going through surgery, 8 have sprained ankles, and I just have a limp.

We lace up our shoes and start off with some stretches to warm up. Most of the girls still look a bit drowsy from the medicine John gave them but not as much as before, it's beginning to wear off. That also means they'll be in a lot more pain. I can remember when Hilma broke my arm last year, the pain was so intense I nearly passed out, having to still fight with it didn't help either.

We start off with a series of plies, slow and fast tendu and degage, ron de jambe, fondue and developpe, frappe, and grand bettements. My leg begins to throb while we're in the middle of our warm up, I guess the soldier grabbed my leg a lot harder than I thought. I look down at my leg where he grabbed me and notice that it's already starting to turn blue. I glance over at the other girls and most of them are practically in tears from pain, and we haven't even started our routine yet.

Ivan and a couple officers are watching us carefully, seeing if we're going to break. None of us so far have been broken, but girls in the past have. They strip us of our innocence at the age of 14, after that you don't really care what they do to you. Most of the girls who have gotten taken out were 14 at the time. We aren't allowed to cry, whimper, tremble, flinch, nothing. I don't remember the last time I cried. I think it was maybe 4 years ago, a couple days before they took our innocence. They serialized us, I cried for hours that night. I knew there was a small, practically invisible, chance I would be able to start a family but I still hoped to one day. When I get away from all of this, but now there's no point in thinking like that.

When we hear the music start, we begin to do our routine as best as we can. Most of the girls can't even stay on one foot for too long. I close my eyes and focus on every move that comes next. Eventually I forget the pain and put everything into the dance. The one thing I actually like about being in the program is the ballet, it makes me feel free, like I'm flying. I continue to float across the room with the other girls by my side.

Ivan makes us repeat the routine 3 more times. 5 girls have to stop and take a break, they'll be punished for that later. As we finish up the routine for the last time, I find the Soldier watching us, still with no expression on his face. I don't know when he got here but it looks like he's been standing there for a while. He's standing next to one of the officers with his arms crossed, leaning against the wall, and watching us finish our dance but I know his thoughts are somewhere else. His eyes are glazed over, what I would give to know what he's thinking.


	3. Chapter 3: Oksana Bolishinko

I respect Yelena, don't get me wrong, but she's an idiot. I understand her need to improve but she'll end up getting seriously hurt, then she won't improve at all. I've been trying to tell her this for the past 2 hours ever since we started training. So far almost all of her injuries have gotten worse, but she still won't stop.

After our ballet practice yesterday, all of the girls were completely exhausted. Most of us were able to make it through to the end of the routine but some had to stop, and from the looks of the other officers that won't be overlooked. We were all too tired to even change out of our training clothes and we just went to sleep, until Yelena woke me up. I gave her a few exercises to do but she didn't think they were enough, eventually halfway through our training I stopped giving her orders. Now she's just doing her own thing.

"Yelena, I think that's enough. I get that you want to do better but you're going to hurt yourself." I try to call out to her while she swings another punch at the punching bag. She then suddenly stops and her shoulders go tense. Yelena turns around with a furious look on her face.

"You don't want me to be as good as you, that's it isn't it? You want to beat me, you just want me gone!" She screams and turning back around, punching the bag with twice as much force. Whatever I say she won't listen, I shake my head and turn around to go back to the basement. When I reach my bed I fall back on it, burying my face in the pillow and falling asleep.

* * *

I wake up to the sound of soft pounding being heard from somewhere upstairs. I sit up and look around finding all the girls still in bed, including Yelena. From what I can tell from looking out of the window, the moon's still out, it has to be around 4 in the morning. I quietly get up from my bed and walk up the stairs that lead out of the basement. The pounding's coming from the 2nd floor, probably the training room. But who would be up at this hour training?

As I make my way up the stairs to the 2nd floor I can faintly see some light flickering from the training room. Making sure to stay in the shadows and to be very quiet, I peer into the room. What I find, or more specifically _who_ I find, surprises me. The Soldier, practically destroying a punching bag, while sand starts to fall from it onto the floor. After a couple more hits it rips off the chains and collapses onto the floor, sand spewing everywhere. I can only really make out his bare back that's scattered with scars and the metal from his left arm that keeps glinting in the light from the oil lamps. The Soldier takes a couple steps back and runs his hands throw his wet hair, letting out a frustrated sigh. He just stands there for a couple minutes breathing heavily, then rubs his face and heads back up the stairs to his room. When I hear the sound of his room door quietly close, I finally stand up to clean up the mess he made. Walking to the supply closet that's between the training room and where we dance, I get a broom and a dust pan. I first drag the punching bag across the floor and lean it up against the wall, then I sweep up all the sand and discard it into a trash bin that's in the kitchen. Normally if a punching bag is busted we drag it down to the kitchen then they set it outside to get thrown out, so that's what I do. You can imagine how hard it is to do that without making a single sound. When I finally finish cleaning up, I realize it's around the time I would normally get up and start training. I walk back up to the training room and get out a new punching bag.

Today we're suppose to find out who's not going to train with the Winter Soldier and who is. I was so sure they were going to do it yesterday, they probably wanted us to think about it overnight. I clench my teeth and close my eyes just thinking about it, swinging at the punching bag with more force. I have to make it through today, I can't die. At least not anytime soon. I need to make it through to the end of this.

The sound of footsteps brings me out of my thoughts and makes me stop swinging. I then realize everyone is waking up and I've already been in here for an hour. As I walk into the washroom all the girls are quiet, they don't even look at each other. All you can hear is the sound of the water running and everyone brushing their teeth. Looking over at Hilma I find Enora brushing her teeth. Hilma's slumped over to the side, still looking like she's half dead. Nora's here too, she has a brace around her neck and she can barley walk properly.

"Don't bother changing, just head straight to the training room." Ivan informs us through the doorway. As we make our way to the training room in a single file line some of the girls are shaking in fear. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, but I'm not going to show it. Everyone that's involved in the Black Widow Program is in the training room waiting for us, so it's pretty packed. My eyes immediately find the Soldier among the crowd and note that he's in his black uniform again but without his mask.

We stand on the training mat in a line, waiting to see what's going to happen next. I stand between Nora and Anja, suddenly everything that makes us enemies disappear and we're all just teenage girls waiting to see who'll go next. We're all just trying to survive.

Ivan stares at us for a couple minutes then turns and nods to the Soldier, who starts walking towards us. He takes out a gun that's strapped to his hip and holds it to his side. The Soldier then begins to walk down the line of girls and studies each one of us carefully. Forcing myself to tear my eyes away from him I stare blankly ahead, trying not to seem nervous. What we hear next makes a few girls jump and yelp in surprise. The Soldier shoots Hilma square in the face, he then continues down the line. I can hear some of the girls start to whimper as they try to quietly cry and I begin to feel nauseous. We hear another shot and Donia falls to the floor next. Before I know it the Soldier's standing in front of me, a blank expression plastered onto his face that I'm now becoming familiar with. I can't help but stare and lose myself as I study his eyes. Again I see nothing but at the same time I see everything and for a second I actually don't mind the thought of dying. Until he presses the barrel of the gun to my forehead. But I still don't look away or even react, if I was anyone else I would have missed the slight furrow of his eyebrows that give away his confusion. As quickly as he shows that emotion it disappears and he presses the barrel of the gun further into my skin, no doubt leaving a mark. Before I can even blink Nora falls to the floor, a single bullet wound to the head. The Soldier quickly walks back to the commanders and places the gun back into it's holster.

4 commanding officers then walk behind us with rifles in their hands. The sound of sobbing is soon replaced with screams as the officers slam their guns to the back of the sobbing girls heads. They fall to their knees trying to stop crying.

"Get changed girls, Oksana will be coming today to see your progress." Ivan dismisses us. We all turn and walk out of the training room. A few soft sobs follow us back to the basement where we all silently get dressed. I think of the 3 girls that lay dead in the training room, bleeding from their heads because they weren't good enough. For some reason all the things Hilma did to me seemed pathetic, she wanted to make it to the end just like me and so did Donia and Nora. They began innocent like the rest of us and died as failures, but that's just 3 less girls to worry about. Now I only have to worry about 10.

Oksana Bolishinko is our ballet teacher of 10 years, she began teaching me at the age of 4 but the other girls don't know that. She's a very strict and uptight woman, and has a no nonsense personality. I respect that about her.

As we walk into the ballet room Madam Oksana slams the door behind us, locking everyone else out. I take in her appearance, which is a grey and black long sleeve dress that goes down to the floor and up to her neck. Her white hair is pulled back into a tight bun and her mouth is set into a permanent frown.

"50 sets of grand battements." We quickly walk over to the ballet bars and start our warm up. When Madam Oksana speaks, you don't question her. She never favored anyone, not even me considering how long we've known each other. When Ivan introduced the position of her teaching 28 girls in the Red Room, she denied the offer. Madam Oksana didn't like the idea of being apart of turning young girls into monsters but she then agreed to it later on.

"Yelena." Madam Oksana calls to be the first to demonstrate our routine. We all sit down and watch as Yelena stands in front of us. The music starts and Yelena begins her routine. As she spins and leaps you can see her struggle by the way she squeezes her eyes shut and her legs wobble. Yelena's about to do her final move and you can hear a couple girls suck in a breath. As she flies through the air I can already tell she isn't going to make the landing and close my eyes as I hear her fall. Yelena goes back to sit down with tears brimming her eyes. The next couple girls go through the same routine trying their hardest, none of them falling like Yelena but not doing so good either due to their injuries. Whether it's the score sheets they hang up in the training room or how we do during our ballet class, if you're at the bottom of the list, you get punished if they don't already kill you.

"Natalia." I get up and walk to the middle of the room. I close my eyes and pretend I'm the only one here, and begin dancing. My goal isn't to get every move perfectly, but to make sure I got to the next move without messing up. Eventually the pain in my right leg is forgotten and so is everyone else. Subconsciously I begin to smile as I spin across the room. I imagine myself on a stage performing in front of a giant crowd. As I finish the routine someone begins clapping. I look up to see Madam Oksana clapping and walking towards me.

"See ladies, that is how you should dance no matter the amount of pain you are in. Eto balet (That is ballet)." She glares at the other girls then walks out of the room. I never really had a reason to hate Madam Oksana, until now. She pretty much gave them one more reason to hate me. I turn to look at the other girls and find some of them scowling at me. While we take our ballet shoes off, Ivan walks into the room.

"Mr. Volkov will continue to teach you for the rest of the day and you will not go to breakfast." Ivan says getting ready to leave the room.

"When do we get to train with the Winter Soldier?" Wendeliena asks getting up and placing her shoes back in her cubby. Ivan turns around and slowly walks towards her, then slaps her across the face. Wendeliena falls to the floor, clutching her cheek.

"Do not speak unless spoken to. I want none of you speaking to the Soldier unless he asks you a question. Are we clear?" Ivan snarls. Wendeliena and the rest of the girls nod in understanding, and with that he leaves. Ivan normally doesn't have a temper so seeing him like this is a little surprising.

Mr. Volkov's been teaching us French for the past couple years and we're all basically fluent in it. The textbook part of our training is the easy part, it's actually kind of fun too. Getting to learn about new countries and cultures, considering I've never left Russia.

"Asseyez-vous (Sit down). We have a lot of work to do today." Mr. Volkov announces. He's a tall, slender, baldheaded man who always has a cigarette in his mouth. The room we're taught in has white paint peeling from the walls with 4 long wooden desks that can seat 4 girls at a time going down in rows. Yelena, Wendeliena, Lena, and Anja sit at the first table. Pouline, Milgred, Yulia, and Enora sit at the second table. Osa and Velina sit at the third table while I sit by myself all the way in the back. I prefer to sit alone, less distractions. The windows, like the rest of the building, are boarded up. Grey light seeps into the room from the cracks in the wood making the walls look eerier than they really are. The floor's covered in dirty tiles and a chalk board hangs from the wall at the front where Mr. Volkov stands.

He starts giving his lesson while blowing out a puff of smoke into Lena's face. He isn't really a nice man, but none of the men here were either. Mr. Volkov likes to humiliate us when he can in front of anyone with authority much like Hilma use to do to me.

The sound of the room door opening and closing makes me straighten up in my chair a little. Normally Ivan sometimes comes into the room while our lesson's going on to listen in, so this isn't unusual. What I don't expect to see is the Soldier standing at the front of the class instead. He's leaning against the wall, off to the side, looking us all over. I instantly know what he's doing, he's studying us. Since yesterday, he's been watching our body language, the way we respond to people, our habits, how we eat, walk, learn, breathe. That's why we haven't started training yet, he wants to know what he's dealing with.

For the rest of the lesson I try my hardest to pay attention but the Soldier's presence keeps distracting me. When I know his eyes are focused on someone else, I'll quickly steal a glance at him. Eventually he zones in on me alone. He doesn't move an inch the whole time and for the next few hours his eyes are locked on me. Out of all the girls in the room why did he have to look at me? I don't like it one bit. Maybe that's what he wants, to see me squirm and that's exactly what I'm doing. I hate how he looks at me, like he knows how to break me.

Eventually I give in and fully look at him. The Soldier looks the same, same hair, same clothes, same everything. But the only difference is that his eyebrows are pulled together in confusion as he stares at me. For the next couple minutes we just study each other, we're both trying to figure each other out.

"Natalia, pouvez-vous s'il vous plaît répéter ce que je viens de dire? (can you please repeat what I just said?)" Mr. Volkov asks with a smirk, expecting me to not be paying attention.

"Vous avez dit que nous aurons un examan la semaine prochaine et que nous allons aussi examinerons anglais et en latin demain. (You said that we will have a test next week and we will also be reviewing English and Latin tomorrow.)" I said without hesitation. He doesn't say anything for awhile, just stares at me. Mr. Volkov then turns around and lights his 9th cigarette, walking out of the room. We all get up and head to the door to be escorted to the dining hall for dinner, but before I can reach the door Enora slams her body against mine knocking me to the floor. Her and Osa walk out of the room with the other girls giggling, leaving me in the room alone with the Soldier. I can hear his footsteps slowly walking towards me and then stop. I don't have to turn around to know he's right behind me. Without turning around and looking at him, I stand up and brush myself off. Since I'm the last girl to leave the classroom I'm the last to be in line, but I'm also the one stuck walking in front of the Soldier. I want him nowhere near me but at the same time right by my side. His presence's intoxicating, he makes me feel like I have to prove myself to him. And in a way I do, if I don't want to die.

The dining hall isn't as full as it normally is. Wherever we go we always have to be supervised. They say we're dangerous and in case any of us try anything, they have to be able to put us down right away. 3 years ago a girl named Olga broke her plate during breakfast and charged at Ivan. They couldn't stop her fast enough and because of that Ivan has a scar on the right side of his neck. Now the only time we can be alone is in the washroom, with Madam Oksana, Mr. Volkov sometimes, and when we sleep.

As we all sit down one of the officers grab Wendeliena by her hair and drags her out of the dining hall. I know they're going to strip her naked and throw her outside in the snow for speaking out of turn to Ivan. Another officer grabs Yelena and drags her to another part of the building to punish her for falling during her routine. The 4 girls that were crying in the training room are taken out of the dining hall too and only 4 of us are left. Screams echo through the building as we eat our dinner in silence. Soon after Yelena comes back, her clothes torn, her hair matted with blood, and cuts and bruises scattered across her face. The officer that took her throws her back in the seat next to me and walks back to stand next to the other officers. The 4 other girls follow after but Wendeliena will be outside until later on in the night.

After we finish dinner, we're escorted by Nikolay to the washroom to get ready for bed. As we all take a shower I look around and find puddles of bloody water everywhere from the other girls. I haven't gotten punished like that, recently. When I was younger I would sometimes mess up on a dance move and for that get severely punished. Or I would be caught listening in to a conversation some officers would be having, I mean I was only 9 but that didn't stop them from driving a knife into my arm and leaving me on the floor to bleed. Eventually I learned to keep my head down and mouth shut, but eyes open.

When we finish getting dressed, I can't help but notice Yelena's face's still bleeding and decide to help her to the infirmary. I already know she wants to train tonight and I won't say no. We start training tomorrow with the Soldier and he isn't going to go easy on us, she'll need all the help she can get.

"Thanks." Yelena says while I help her walk. Half of her body weight's on me as she limps. The officer no doubt made her injuries worse which's going to make training tonight even harder.

"For what?" I ask turning a corner.

"Everything. For helping me." She smiles. Yelena opens the door to the infirmary and walks in, closing the door behind her.

This is what I was afraid of. I didn't want her to think I'm trying to be her friend, I don't want to be her friend. Last time I had a friend I was forced to kill her.

As I walk down the stairs back to the basement I can hear arguing from one of the upper floors. I want so badly to go check it out but I know better. If I get caught I would be out there with Wendeliena. But my curiosity gets the best of me and I find myself creeping up the stairs towards the arguing. As I pass the 3rd floor I make it to the 4th floor where there are 6 rooms, all the doors are closed except one that's at the end of the hall.

Footsteps coming down the stairs makes me run into the nearest room and I close the door. I run my hand over the wall, searching for a light switch. Eventually I find one and the lights flicker on revealing a room with a metal dentist chair in the middle with machines hooked up to it. The chair has metal clamps on the arms to hold someone down. Walking up to the machine, there's a metal table next to it with syringes, pliers, different sized knives, and a weird helmet. The helmet goes down to cover someone's eyes and has a few short needles in it. Turning around I find a desk in the corner of the room and on it is a computer with papers scattered around it. I walk over and pick up one of the papers and see it has Lena's name, date of birth, where she was born, her hair and eye color, and her ethnicity on it. Under that is a bunch of numbers and codes. Before I can read on, I remember what I came up here to do. I set the paper down and take off the lights, then open the door a crack. I don't hear nor see anyone so I slip out and continue up the stairs to the 5th floor. The arguing has stopped but I decide to continue looking around.

The 5th floor looks exactly like the 4th but only has 3 rooms. I walk towards the closest door and softly place my ear against it to hear if anyone's in there. When I'm sure the room's empty, I slowly open the door. Inside is pitch black, I then close the door behind me. Feeling the wall I find the light switch and turn it on. Row after row of filing cabinets are lined up across the room and each one has a letter on it. I have a pretty good idea as to what's in the cabinets but I look around for the R's to make sure. When I find the R's I see a cabinet that's slightly open. Looking through the files I find the one I'm looking for. Displayed on the top is my last name, these cabinets are filled with files on everyone. From the girls in the Red Room probably to every agent involved in the Black Widow Program, they probably already have one on the Winter Soldier.

Before I can open my file I hear the pounding of someone coming up the stairs. I quickly place the file back, close the cabinet like I found it, and turn the lights off. Before I'm able to sneak out of the room, someone swings the door open. I hide behind one of the cabinets and peek over to try and make out who it is. It's one of the officers that dragged out one of the girls from the dining hall. I don't get a chance to see what he's doing because as he walks down a row of filing cabinets I slip out of the room. On the way down the stairs I can hear Ivan's voice from the 3rd floor and I start to panic, practically skipping steps now. Finally making it back to the basement I find all the girls already asleep. I crawl into bed and cuff my wrist. The sound of voices makes me close my eyes and I pretend to be sleeping. I crack my eyes open and see Wendeliena being thrown down the stairs naked, she then just lays there and cries. After a couple minutes she gets up, changes, and goes to sleep.

If I'm being honest we're all in terrible shape to train tomorrow. Now that the Soldier's here, I don't know what'll happen. 11 girls are left, including me, and I'm just tired. Tired of having to tiptoe on broken glass everyday, tired of training, tired of all the killing, I'm tired of them making me into a monster. But the only way I can get out of this is by dying or becoming the Black Widow no matter how much I don't want to be. I often think about how messed up my luck is. Out of everyone in the world I'm stuck being trained as an assassin, how many people can say that? How many girls can say they've been training to be a killer since they were a little girl? 28, but 17 are dead now so only 11. What happens when they do get their Black Widow, what are they going to do with her? How many people a day will they order her to kill? I don't want to kill anyone, but if it means that I get to live I'll do anything. Even if I know it's wrong.

* * *

**Hey guys! Sorry it's been so long but I've been super busy, with stuff. But no worries here is chapter 3 and fyi anything that is not English was brought to you by Google translate. So if the Russian or French doesn't make any sense blame Google. R&amp;R! I appreciate constructive criticism. :D**


	4. Chapter 4: Training Session

"Again." I order as Yelena swings her fist at me. We've been training for 2 hours now and she's doing a lot better than the past couple days. She's focused and determined and I have a feeling she'll go far in the program. I'm teaching her some of the techniques I was taught as a child but I'm not stupid, I can't teach her everything. I'm not even sure why I'm helping her, it's her fault she is the way she is. When Yelena first started out in the program she was very social and had a lot of friends. They spent most of their time talking and joking around instead of training. Eventually one by one her friends were killed off and she was left. If she just trained like the rest of us she wouldn't be at the bottom.

After a couple minutes of blocking her punches she finally lands one to my stomach. She smiles widely and starts jumping up and down. I can't help but smile as I watch her. I completely understand that feeling when finally doing something right, but it's not like I was allowed to jump up and down in excitement. She better not do that in front of Ivan or the officers.

"Get some sleep, we have a big day ahead of us." I say stepping aside so Yelena cam leave the training room to go to bed. Out of nowhere she flings her arms around my neck, my hands immediately ball into fists and I get ready to hit her in the side. Until I realize she's hugging me.

"Thank you." She whispers. I pry her arms from around my neck and step back.

"You're welcome." I reply awkwardly. She smiles and walks out of the training room. Closing my eyes, I shake my head and begin to do some stretches. I need to stop helping Yelena. Not only does she think we're becoming friends but she's also taking up a lot of my training time. I need to be 100% ready for today. One slip up can cost me my life. This isn't fun and games, it's life and death.

* * *

When I wake up a couple hours later Ivan informs us that we won't be training together anymore. Which's weird because ever since the program started all of us have always trained together. While we're eating breakfast he continues to explain that while the soldier's training one of us at a time the rest of us will be either with Madam Oksana or Mr. Volkov. So here I am going over my ballet routine for the 26th time waiting for Lena to finish her training. They're going down the list in alphabetical order so Lena goes first and I go last, which's driving me crazy. I'm so pumped with adrenaline I feel like I can take on an entire army. I need to relax.

A half an hour later Lena walks into the room limping and covered in cuts and bruises. Yelena slowly gets up and reluctantly heads to the training room for her turn. He's spending an hour and a half with each of us. I personally don't think that's enough time but I guess as our numbers get smaller we'll get more time to train with him in the future.

I notice Madam Oksana standing at the back of the room scrutinizing our every move. She was suppose to leave this morning to go back to Moscow but she stayed for some reason. She normally comes to see our improvement once a week, then leaves.

As I go through the routine for the 32nd time I find myself not doing the routine as we're suppose to. I begin adding in some extra moves and eventually I'm not even doing the routine at all. It feels nice to for once do something different. Don't get me wrong I love our routine, but doing it every single day over and over again can get frustrating. I sneak a glance at the other girls and sigh in relief when I find them not paying attention to me. I know Madam Oksana is watching me but she doesn't call me out on it so I continue doing my own thing. We normally don't get to do what we want the way we want, so I'm taking advantage of it.

"Enora, you're next. The rest of you will be with Mr. Volkov." Ivan informs us, leading Yelena into the room. She's terribly beaten up but not as bad as I thought she would be. Her right cheek is swollen, her hair is matted with blood, and her lip and the corner of her forehead is bleeding badly. Since Ivan hasn't dismiss anyone to go to the infirmary she can't get stitched up, none of them can.

Standing up, we all walk in a single file line to Mr. Volkov's classroom. I quickly look towards the training room and see Enora opening the door to go in, catching a glimpse of metal. My heart skips a beat and the adrenaline kicks in again. I feel like a caged animal. It's frustrating to fight against these girls and not be able to use all of my skills, it doesn't help me improve. To improve you have to push yourself and I can't do that with them, but with the Winter Soldier I can and that gets me excited. I wonder if that excites him too.

Mr. Volkov quickly goes over what we've learned in Latin and English. He then proceeds to ask us questions in that language.

"Osa, quomodo es? (Osa, how are you)?" Mr. Volkov asks her, cigarette in hand.

"Ego meliora habebat diebus. (I have had better days.)" She answers but with her Norwegian accent. When he walks away she lets out a breath of relief.

"Remember your accent can give away your entire cover, even if it's barley noticeable. Anja, quam tandem tenebam? (Anja, what am I holding?)" Mr. Volkov turns to Anja holding up his cigarette.

"A cigarette." She says perfectly.

"Bonum. (Good)." Mr. Volkov smirks walking around the room towards me. "Natalia, what is the capitol of America?" He asks me in English, leaning on my desk so his face is inches from mine.

"The capitol of America is Washington, D.C." I answer in a perfect American accent, trying not to scrunch up my face from the smell of smoke. Mr. Volkov stands up straight and continues asking us questions. Enora eventually walks into the room and sits in her seat. She doesn't look any different from Lena and Yelena. Osa then gets up and heads for the training room. Class continues for another hour until Ivan walks in.

"Ladies please head to the dining hall for lunch." Some of the girls look at each other in confusion, lunch? We don't eat lunch, Ivan explained once that it's unnecessary and it's just a waste of time. As we walk out of the classroom I find row after row of officers lined up by the training room. It looks like most of the officers that stay in the building are here. I notice how their hands stay at their sides where their weapons were. There's also a short, stocky man with thick glasses at the front. He has on a white lab coat and is holding a tray with a syringe that has a bright blue liquid in it. They use the blue liquid to knock us out when one of us acts out or loses control. I won't lie, on more than one occasion I've had an urge to lose control and kill everyone but I've successfully fought those urges. When a girl snaps in the Red Room she either completely loses all interest in everything and pretty much lets herself die or becomes extremely violent. But I don't thing the syringe's just for us, but for the soldier too. I don't know what it is but I feel like he's just like us. Forced to do something he doesn't want to do, be something he doesn't want to be. He must also be on the verge of losing control, just like the rest of us. In a way, I kind of hope he does.

When we get to the dining hall, it's completely empty except for the chef and 3 officers. They need over 20 officers to watch the soldier and only 3 for us, I guess we know who's more dangerous.

We all sit down and begin eating. I'm not use to eating at this time and I'm still full from breakfast. Halfway into eating Osa stumbles in. 4 down 6 to go, then it'll be my turn.

As Pouline leaves the dining hall, Yulia speaks up.

"So how's the training going?" She asks with a wide smile, turning towards Enora, Yelena, Osa, and Lena. The girls look at each other not really wanting to answer. The 4 girls play with the food in their plates waiting for someone to speak up.

"It was really hard, he didn't go easy on me and he barley said anything." Enora says quietly, looking over at the officers to make sure they aren't listening in. Osa and Lena nod in agreement while Yelena continues to eat. Yulia watches them with excitement and smiles wide.

"Well what does he sound like?" Yulia pushes eagerly, looking at Lena. I can't help but roll my eyes along with some of the other girls. I don't think she understands the position we're in right now. I guess the fact that he beat the shit out of her and killed 3 girls doesn't effect her raging hormones.

"He sounds normal. Nothing special." Lena shrugs. Yulia rolls her eyes and continues to eat. The room's quiet except for the sound of forks scraping against our plates.

"My mom's name is Ingrid. She has blonde hair and blue eyes. When I was little she would tell me stories about how my grandparents fell in love." Velina speaks up, tears rolling down her cheeks. We all stare at her in shock. How does she remember that? I glance at the 3 officers and see them giving each other a worried look. Ivan's face doesn't change though, it's blank but I cam see how his jaw's clenching. Are we not suppose to know these things? I don't allow myself to think about my parents because I don't remember much about them, but neither does the other girls. I thought it was just a coincidence and that we were all just traumatized by how they died. But Velina's starting to remember, maybe we will too. No, I don't want to know. It'll just distract me from what's important, my parents are from the past and it's not important anymore. They died I didn't, that's all that matters. I survived and I'm not going to allow myself to die in here.

No one says anything after Velina spoke, we don't know what to say. Pouline soon comes back and has blood dripping from her mouth onto her shirt, looks like she got some of her teeth knocked out. The soldier follows soon after. Pouline sits next to Osa but doesn't touch her food. The soldier as well sits down and the chef runs to give him his food. He's sitting at the front of the room where Ivan and the 3 officers stand. His hands are covered in blood but it doesn't seem to bother him as he eats. Everyone in the room's holding their breath and trying not to make a sound, afraid of catching his attention. I can see hints of blood in his hair and can tell it isn't his, it's probably from him running his hands through it. The soldier doesn't take long to eat and soon gets up to go back to the training room.

"Anja." Ivan calls. She nods and gets up to follow the soldier to the training session. "Follow me ladies."

We stand up and follow Ivan out of the dining room. The 3 officers come along as well, walking close behind us with their guns drawn. What do they think we're going to do, attack them? Because we might. Ivan stands in front of a giant door and opens it. Cold air and snow hits my face and makes goosebumps rise on my arms. I blink a couple times so my eyes can adjust to the brightness. We continue to follow Ivan outside. I can't help but look around in wonder, my eyes eager to see what it looks like outside. The snow's cold under my feet but it doesn't really bother me, I love it. The sky's a light grey color but bright and trees are surrounding us all around. They don't have leaves on them but I don't care, it's all so beautiful. Through the trees I can make out the sun setting behind some clouds, orange, pinks, and yellows peeking out from behind them.

Ivan leads us around the building until we get to a small clearing. I look up at the building and counte 8 floors. The outside of the building's suppose to be white but is almost a grey color due to it being old and long vines are also growing around the whole thing. We all stand in a long line, facing Ivan.

"For now on you all will be training against each other outside, and if he wishes the soldier will train you out here as well." Ivan announces to us. He begins walking down the line of us, studying our faces. He then stops in front of Milgred and Lena, placing his hands on their backs and leading them to the middle of the clearing.

The two girls look at each other for a second but then get into position. I can tell Milgred's hesitant to fight Lena because of her injuries from her training with the soldier, but that isn't going to stop them from fighting. It can't.

Milgred make the first move by swinging a punch at Lena's face. Lena leans back but not fast enough and stumbles back from the blow. Milgred doesn't waste a second and goes to kick Lena in the stomach. Lena grabs her foot before it can hit her and yanks on Milgred's leg, flinging her to the ground. Ivan nods to them and they get back in line. Enora and Velina are next. While they fight Anja comes back, a trail of blood following behind her. I can't pull my eyes away from the blood that's seeping into the white snow. I've seen something like that before. Red blood, white snow, orange fire, black smoke. But from where?

Wendeliena's escorted by one of the officers to the training room, 3 more girls. Anja collapses when she gets in line, a puddle of blood growing under her. The blood's running down her legs, it's coming from her stomach. Blood's seeping through her shirt and she places her hands over the wound, trying to make the bleeding stop. Did the soldier stab her? I want to tell her to put some snow on it to soothe the pain but decide against it. I can't care.

As the girls fight against each other I stare at my feet. When I first stood here a puddle of water began to appear due to my body heat, but now my feet are the same temperature as the snow and the puddle is frozen. What's weird is that I still don't feel it. Yes I feel a bit chilly but that's it. That can be handy in the future.

Soon enough Wendeliena comes back and Yulia leaves. 2 more girls. I'm starting to get excited again, adrenaline coursing through my veins. I have so much energy I need to let out, I felt like a time bomb waiting to explode. I feel a tap on my shoulder and turn around to see Yelena next to me, I notice the blood on her face has now dried.

"Do you want to train with me?" She asks gesturing to a spot away from everyone. I don't say anything because I'm shocked at her stupidity. Is she crazy? I glance at Ivan and he nods. The fact that he's allowing this worries me. No doubt I'll be questioned about this later. I follow Yelena and she smiles. She can be so naive.

"I'm surprised he's allowing this." She says getting in position to attack. I don't say anything and instead wait for her to strike first. Yelena pulls her fist back making it seem like she's going to punch me but instead goes down to kick my feet from under me. The mistake she makes is as she was pretending to punch me she moved her feet forward too early and I caught what she was going to do before she did it. She had a good idea and that means she's learning. I jump, her feet missing me and stand behind her grabbing her arm and pinning it behind her back.

"How did you know I was going to do that?" She asks in surprise. I let go of her arm and she turns to face me.

"When you pulled your fist back to pretend to hit me you subconsciously moved your feet and I quickly caught on to what you were going to do." I answer. She listened, taking in everything I'm saying. "You need to think your moves out first before you do them. Take control of your body, you know what it'll do before it does it."

We fight each other again, this time she does better. I can feel Ivan's gaze on my back but I don't dare turn around. I know he'll be asking me questions later and I'm not looking forward to it. Yulia soon comes back from her training and Velina goes for hers.

Ivan then calls Yelena to fight against Osa. I get back in line in between Pouline and Enora, both of them giving me dirty looks. I ignore them and instead pay attention to the fight. So far Yelena's holding up. Blocking and dodging the hits, she's good at that. Yelena then drops to the ground, kicking Osa's feet from under her. She falls to the ground hard, a painful grunt escaping Osa. The 2 girls get back in line. I catch the sight of Velina walking towards us and inwardly smile. As she stands next to Ivan, Milgred slowly walks around the building for her session. I'm next.

Ivan looks at me and Yulia and we both walk to the middle of the clearing. I first shake the thoughts of fighting the soldier out of my head and analyze her injuries. She has a sprained ankle, the ballet not really helping, and I know she has severe bruising to her ribs. There's also bruises on her throat due to the soldier grabbing it yesterday and probably today too. The fact that she got punished yesterday also gives me an advantage.

I never make the first move when fighting someone unless it's completely necessary. If my opponent makes the first move I can study and analyze their habits and fighting skills right away. I carefully watch Yulia and see her hands shaking. The cold's affecting her, maybe I can use that against her. Ivan once taught me when I was younger to use everything as a weapon.

Squatting down to the ground I grab a handful of snow. Yulia watches in confusion but stays alert. I then throw the snow towards her face and run behind her. Yulia looks around confused, she then turns around and tries to hit me. I move my head to the side and grab her arm, twisting it back. I spin around, her arm still in my grasp, and kick her across the temple. She falls to the ground holding her head. I circle around her like I'm an animal analyzing its prey. She forces herself back up and goes to kick me in the stomach. The mistake she makes is using the foot that's sprained. Catching her foot, I twist it until I hear a crack. When I here the crack my eyes zero in on her face and it makes me smile. I like to see her pain, and the fact that I caused it makes it even more satisfying. My grip on her ankle tightens and I fling her across the snow. Yulia tries to crawl away from me as I slowly walk towards her.

"Please, stop." She whimpers. I stop in my tracks and take a couple steps back, blinking rapidly. What the hell was that? What did I do? I try to swallow but there's a lump in my throat. Tears brim my eyes and I start to feel sick. I could have killed her.

"Natalia." I turn to look at Ivan when I hear him call my name and see the solider watching me, curiosity filling his eyes. Normally I would be intrigued by that but right now I just feel disgusted with myself. All the excitement and adrenaline that I had is now gone and I don't feel like training with the soldier anymore. All he's doing is training us to become monsters. Well in my case more of a monster.

No doubt Ivan's going to punish me for losing control, and I can't say I don't deserve it. I glance over at the 3 officers and see them with their guns halfway aimed at me. Sometimes I wish they would just shoot.

I follow behind the soldier back to the building, not watching what's ahead of me but watching his feet instead. The bottom of his shoes has dried blood on them. The training room must be a mess. The soldier opens the door leading into the building and holds it open for me. Considering I haven't known him or had much contact with him I can tell that's an out of the ordinary gesture, and by the furrow of his eyebrows he knows that too. As I follow him up the stairs I wonder if I'd ever be able to hear his voice. Lena said his voice sounds normal, but what's normal? Great I'm starting to sound like Yulia. _Yulia_. I broke her ankle, she'll probably get taken out of the program now because of me since she won't be able to walk.

The soldier opens the door to the training room but doesn't hold it open for me this time. The room look the same as it did when we first fought each other. The whole room's dark except for the few lights shining in the middle of the mat, that has dried blood scattered across it. I walk past the soldier to the middle of the mat. I can feel his eyes following me but pay no mind to it, I just want to get this over with. The sound of his footsteps walking towards me makes my heart stop. I can't tell if I'm excited or scared. I'd feel so ashamed if I was excited, but I'd feel just as ashamed if I was scared. Why does he confuse me so much? Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath and turn around to look at him. I study his face. His face's hard, blood smeared on his cheek that's obviously not his. His hair falls over his eyes, which gets me kind of upset because it prevents me from seeing them. Looking down I see his hands don't have blood on them anymore, he must have cleaned it off.

From the look he's giving me, the look that means he probably knows everything about me, I can tell he knows what happened outside with Yulia. What I would give to know what he's thinking right now. He's standing about a foot away from me and I catch the slight shift in his eyes. Before I can even think I catch his right hand that shoots out towards my face. He tilts his head the slightest, impressed by my reflex. His other hand shoots out and I catch that one too, his arms crossing over each other. Jerking my knee up to meet with his stomach the soldier grunts in pain. I twirl around so my back is to him and grab his head from behind. I then kick my feet up in the air and drop down so I can slide backwards between his legs. As I stand back up I don't miss the slight playful smirk he gives me. The soldier casually stands back up and out of nowhere swings his right arm at me, knocking me down. I roll to the side just as his right fist slams into the mat where my head just was, showing me that he isn't going to go easy on me. Still laying on the ground, I kick my leg up so it wraps around his metal arm and my other leg hooks around his abdomen. Rolling my body, I flip him over onto his back. I place my right leg on the side of him holding his right arm down while my other leg is still wrapped around his other arm, keeping it from moving. His smirk grows and I can tell he's impressed, which fills me with a sense of pride. The one person I can wholeheartedly fight against is impressed with me.

I feel a sharp pain at the back of my head that makes my leg loosen from around his metal arm. He then takes the opportunity to pull his arm out from under me and clamp it around my neck, standing up and holding me up in the air. I begin to feel light headed from the loss of air but I keep my face calm and think. I squeeze my eyes shut and slowly try to breathe through my nose. Gripping his metal arm tightly, I swing my entire body up and wrap my legs around his neck. I then throw my body to the ground, bringing him down with me. I push myself up onto my feet and take a couple steps back to watch him. I can't take my eyes off of him even for a second.

The soldier stands back up and I can see an excited, wild look in his eyes. He then makes the first move by trying to punch me in the gut. I dodge it and throw a punch to his side, smiling when I hear a grunt. I glance up at the opening on the ceiling and see that it's already dark outside, the girls must be getting ready for bed now. A punch to the cheek makes me realize that he's still not done with me.

As we continue training I can't help but enjoy myself. It doesn't feel like we're training, it feels more like we're dancing. It's like we know what each other's moves is going to be before we do them. But what got me a little aggravated was the fact that I can tell he's holding back, he can't fight me using all of his stretch or else he'll kill me. I still have a lot to learn from him. I get a good number of hits to him and I have some bruises as well. Again I know none of the other girls got even a lucky hit. The whole time we trained he didn't say a word. By the time we finish we're both panting and sweating.

"Khorosho (Good)." The solder says in a deep husky voice, looking up at me with a blank face. His eyes don't hold excitement or curiosity anymore, they're empty. I guess that's his way of telling me to leave. I nod in understanding and head to the door leading out of the training room. I force myself to not look back at him. I sound like a lovesick teenager. Remember your place Natalia, you're a student and he's your teacher. I'm sure he has better things to do than train silly girls. I can slowly fell myself beginning to get compromised. From Yelena befriending me to the soldier getting into my head. Focus on your goal, to become the Black Widow and get the hell out of here.

The showers already have puddles of bloody water on the floor indicating that the other girls were already here. They must be in bed by now. I strip down and go under the cold water. The old bruises are starting to fade but are now being replaced by the new ones I got today. I run my tongue over my bottom lip and taste blood. He busted my lip again, I might as well have a busted lip for the rest of my life. He also got a couple more hits to my face and stomach, the evidence clear as day. When I left, his neck was red from my legs being wrapped around him and his face would be pretty bruised tomorrow too.

Turning off the shower I wrap a towel around my body. As I make my way to the basement I can hear some commotion going on upstairs but ignore it. Nothing I haven't heard before. When I reach the basement I notice that one girl is missing but I can't tell who. While I get dressed the noises from upstairs get louder. The next thing I hear is a blood curdling scream that soon cuts off. Some of the girls stir in their sleep but don't wake up. Right then I decide to go check it out. I can already tell this is a terrible idea.

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**Hey guys sorry it took me so long to post this chapter. I like to take my time on them to make sure that the characters do and say things I think they would say and do. Please R&amp;R, I love to hear what you guys think of the chapter. Negative and positive comments are always welcome.**


	5. Chapter 5: The Fourth Floor

It's dead silent as I make my way up the staircase past the 3rd floor. All that can be heard over the silence is hushed whispers and the shuffling of feet. I know one of the girls are up there and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried for her, which really aggravates me. It has to be almost 9 so it's pretty dark, the only light coming from a door that's cracked open. It's the same room I went into yesterday where I found the file with Lena's name on it. As I walk closer the sound of glass breaking makes me stop in my tracks and hold my breath. I take a couple steps forward and listen.

"Clean that up, I don't want anyone else getting hurt." Ivan's voice whispers harshly. I'm not surprised he's in there, when I saw that one of the girls were gone I knew he had something to do with it and I don't doubt she's in there. I get down on one knee and peek through the small crack of the door. At first all I can see is a white wall, I shift more to the right and see Ivan standing in front of the dental chair. "Strap her down."

He then moves to the left and I can see Velina slumped over, unconscious. Some officers are strapping her hands down to the armrests. Her knuckles are bloody and tears are stained on her cheeks. She put up a fight, they must have sedated her. Some of the officers have bloody noses and bruises on their face. What the hell are they doing to her? I then see Nikolay put the metal helmet on Velina's head.

"How are her vital signs?" Ivan asks an officer who's sitting at the computer. Velina's fingers start to twitch and she lifts her head up, her eyes still closed. "Never mind, wipe her."

"But sir her vitals aren't sta-"

"Sdelay eto (Do it)!" Ivan orders. The officer presses a couple buttons on the keyboard and it's quiet for a few moments. Velina then begins to shake and she grabs the armrest tightly, her knuckles turning white. She starts to shake more violently and whimpers in pain. "Hold her down."

Two officers grab each of her arms and one holds down her feet. She pulls her right leg out of the officer's grasp and kicks him in the face, causing him to fall back. Another officer runs over to hold down her legs. Out of nowhere a blood curdling scream leaves her lungs. Ivan quickly grabs a white cloth from a metal tray and shoves it into her mouth to muffle her screams.

After a couple minutes her screams slowly die out and she stops twitching. An officer removes the helmet from her head and quickly moves a safe distance away from her. Velina slowly opens her eyes and stares blankly ahead with a distant look, like she's a million miles away.

"Velina Radev." Ivan speaks up. She slowly turns her head towards him and gives him a confused look.

"What?" She asks him. The other officers in the room have their hands close to their weapons incase she retaliates. She seems stable but you can never be sure in the Red Room. Everyone here seems stable, but we aren't.

"Your name. It's Velina Radev." Ivan takes a step towards her. He crouches down so he's face to face with her. "You're 18, you were born in Dalsbygda, Norway. You're in the Red Room, your parents died in an awful car accident, do you remember?"

"Yes, I remember." Velina confirms. "I remember I'm training to be the Black Widow."

"Do you remember anything else?" Ivan pushes, I can tell he's looking for a specific answer. He wants to know if Velina remembers her parents, that's what this is about. We aren't suppose to remember our parents, only what they let us remember.

"No, just the Red Room." She answers. Ivan nods in approval and stands up, walking over to the computer and picking up a clipboard. He begins writing something down, when he finishes he takes the helmet off of Velina who continues to stare blankly ahead and undoes her restraints.

"Escort her to the basement." As soon as I hear Ivan say that I get up and quietly race down the stairs. I cuff my wrist to the bed post and pretend to be asleep. I don't open my eyes when I hear Velina get into bed and don't dare open them after that. What the hell just happened? They wiped her memory of her parents. Have they done that to me? Velina shouldn't have said anything.

Just the thought of me sitting in that chair makes me feel sick. What if they did already do that to me? I'm not stupid enough to tell someone I remember my parents, but when I was little I didn't exactly know better. I can't think straight. I need to focus

* * *

Okay, they brainwash us when they think we're about to be compromised. When they think we'll try to stray from the Red Room. I have to be a lot more careful now, which means the training with Yelena either needs to be less often so we don't get caught or it just needs to stop altogether. This just got a lot more complicated. It takes me a couple hours to finally fall asleep and when I do I fall asleep with a sick feeling in my stomach.

The sound of soft pounding wakes me up. I rub my eyes with my free hand and sit up. It's coming from the training room, must be the soldier again. I take the cuff off from around my wrist and silently get out of bed. My curiosity is going to get me killed one day. On my way up the staircase my mind keeps wandering to what I saw last night. It's inhuman, they don't have the right to take something like that away from us. Those are our memories and they have the power to just take it away with the press of a button.

I crouch down in the darkest corner of the hallway and watch, it would be impossible for him to see me here. Like before, I find the soldier beating a punching bag senseless. Sand everywhere, his muffled grunts filling the air, and his left arm catching the greyish light of the moon. He's dangerously beautiful. His heavy hits move his whole body and strain the chains of the bag, telling me something's bothering him. Sometimes if I wake up from a nightmare or if I just can't sleep I'd come up here and let loose on the punching bag, to take my mind off of things. It helps me to fall asleep. I can only guess that's why he's up here again. Soon enough the punching bag breaks from the chains and lands on the floor. Instead of leaving, he picks up the bag and carries it out of the training room. He soon comes back and cleans up the sand. It's weird seeing the soldier doing such a mundane thing. After he cleans up he lays down on the mat under the crack in the ceiling and just stays there. His eyebrows aren't pulled together, his mouth isn't set in a frown or a hard line, and from what I can make out his eyes aren't curious, angry, or anything. He looks calm and at peace. Even though I can't tell what he's thinking of, I know it relaxes him and maybe even makes him happy. Soon enough he gets up and goes back upstairs. I decide I wouldn't train this morning, no doubt I'll be punished for loosing control yesterday so I'm going to need all my strength for today.

As I lay in bed I feel content. I don't think of the brainwashing or how I'll be punished tomorrow, all that goes through my mind is the way the soldier looked. Calm. Like he didn't have any worries and I'm guessing that's a very rare moment coming from him, not to mention I'm lucky enough to have seen it. It's amazing and frightening what I would give to see that look on his face more often.

* * *

Nikolay comes to get us in the morning and he's more cocky than usual. He struts a little more than usual like he's a god damn tsar and smirks at anyone who walks past him. After we get dressed he leads us to the dining hall for breakfast. On our way there I notice that Yulia's only walking with a limp and I sigh in relief. It must only be fractured, she won't be kicked out of the Red Room.

When we get to the dining hall I see this time there are a little more officers to watch us. There are 5 more, the soldier still has more though. I don't look up at Ivan, I can't. I've never felt hatred towards him before, I don't think I've ever felt even slightly aggravated at him. I always assumed everything he did he had a good reason for it, but now? I can't fathom what I saw last night. I know he's done some terrible things, we all have, but taking away someones memories is beyond imaginable.

Almost all of the officers have their eyes set on Velina. I turn to her and see her calmly eating her toast. She looks more at ease than normal. Usually she would have her elbows on the table, she'd bob one of her legs and it would sometimes hit the bottom of the table, and she'd shift in her chair every couple minutes. Now all she's doing is sitting up straight, with her left hand in her lap, and she's staring straight ahead not looking at anyone. Everyone else notices this too. Enora tries talking to her, but it's like Velina doesn't hear a single word she's saying. She's like a robot.

After breakfast Madame Oksana comes to fetch us for our ballet. She still hasn't left yet. What reason could she still be here for? Like yesterday we went over our routine, over and over again. Madame Oksana's scrutinizing us a little more than usual too. If we even look the wrong way she'll yell at us. It seems like everyone today's acting different.

"Sorry we didn't get to practice last night. I was so tired." Yelena whispers over to me. I look over and see her doing a sloppy spin.

"It's okay, I was kind of tired too." I reassure her. We dance for a couple more minutes until an officer comes in with Lena close behind. She just came back from training with the soldier and she looks a mess.

"Yelena, go to the training room. Natalia, follow me." The officer doesn't say anything after that, just turns around and walks out of the room. I take my ballet shoes off and follow behind him. The girls look at me in shock since it's very rare I ever get punished, but it soon turns into delight. Well that's comforting.

As I follow behind the officer who keeps glancing back at me and grinning, I watch as the training room door opens revealing the soldier. He steps aside to let Yelena in, but instead of turning around and going back in he just stares at me. I force myself to look away and stare ahead at the officer's back, embarrassment burning at my cheeks. We end up at the exit of the building and when the doors open the familiar bitter cold hits me making me close my eyes in bliss. Normally we would be punished in the training room but I guess since the soldier's in there and the girls are in the ballet studio it has to be outside or maybe they plan on leaving me out here to freeze. The officer leads me around the building until the clearing comes into view. Ivan's standing there, waiting. From what I can remember Ivan's never stayed to watch me or anyone get punished. The closer I get the more I get scared. I didn't think me loosing control was this much of a big deal. Hilma use to loose control all the time and she would get punished but it wasn't so serious Ivan had to be there.

Eventually I'm standing right in front of him. He looks down at me, his mouth set in a frown and eyes showing disappointment. He's about to say something but before he can the air gets knocked out of me. I force myself not to retaliate and just fall to the floor landing on my hands and knees, clutching my stomach and trying to catch my breath.

"I'm very disappointed in you Natalia." Ivan informs me. I don't dare look up at him, not wanting to see the look on his face. The officer then begins kicking me repeatedly in the stomach making me fall over onto my side. I feel like I'm drowning, my lungs burning from the loss of air. I grind my teeth together willing the tears to not fall. You've been through worse, don't cry, don't show weakness. "You known better than to lose control."

For a second Ivan gives me a sad look but it soon disappears and he starts walking back towards the building, leaving me with the officer. The moment the officer stops kicking me I sit up, my stomach lurching causing me to throw up. I didn't eat much so for a few minutes all I do is gag painfully. The moment I finally calm down, he grabs me by my hair and forces me to stand up. The officer then shoves me back a little and punches me in the eye, leaving behind a throbbing sensation. As he continues to land hits to my face I try my best to stay on my feet because I don't want him to go for my stomach again. From what I can see from my left eye and swollen right eye there's blood everywhere I look. My whole face's numb. I'm not even sure where I'm bleeding from, probably everywhere. The blood's splattered all over the ground, mixing with the snow that's slowly turning into small puddles. Puddles that are getting bigger. The worse part is, is that I don't even notice the knife he drives into my right arm until he yanks it out. I press my left hand against the wound to try and stop the bleeding, not wanting to pass out from blood loss. The officer then grabs me by my hair and yanks me around the building until we get to where the entrance to the kitchen is. I can make out a metal pole a few feet away from the door that has a chain attached to it. All of as sudden I can feel my clothes being torn off until I'm eventually completely naked, the entire time keeping my eyes focused on the officer's face and studying it. I don't know his name but I'll find out and when I finish the program I'll kill him. I know he's only been ordered to do this but I can see the enjoyment in his eyes. He then throws me to the ground and wraps the chain around my left ankle to keep me from running off. Ice cold water's then dumped onto my body leaving me in a cold wet mess. I can already feel the water begin to freeze. The officer stares down at me, analyzing every inch of my body and smirks. Soon enough he turns around and leaves. I don't dare to move, instead I watch as the blood runs down my face creating a puddle that grows until it starts to stream down towards the bucket that's a few feet away. I dip my fingers in it and feel the cold, smooth blood against my skin. I lay my hand in the puddle of blood and watch how the sky reflects in it. It's pretty. My eyes begin to grow heavy and I soon fall asleep.

* * *

The sound of distant footsteps force my eyes open. I look around and notice that the sun's already starting to set. I slept through most of the day. As the footsteps got closer I keep my eyes focused on my hand that's completely covered in dried, frozen blood. I look up to see black boots in my line of vision, my eyes run up the figure and end up landing on the soldier's face. His jaw's set and his eyes are filled with anger. Is he angry at me? Probably because I'm late for training and he has to come get me. The soldier bends down and tears the chain from around my ankle with his metal arm, he then grabs me by my right arm and tries to pull me up. I clench my eyes shut and bite my tongue trying not to scream. The soldier must have noticed this because he grabs onto my left arm instead, pulling me up. He wraps a thin blanket I don't notice he's holding around my shoulders and begins leading me through the kitchen door, back into the building. My legs start to feel numb and I soon find myself falling, but the soldier catches me and pulls me back up. The blood loss has me feeling lightheaded, so I grip onto the front of the soldier's armor with my right hand to try and balance myself. His right arm's wrapped around my shoulders, pressing me into his warm side. His right hand's over my wound but it doesn't press into it, instead his hand almost caresses it. I can't take my eyes off of the side of his face, this is so out of the ordinary for him, no doubt if someone saw us they'd be suspicious. The realization hits me that this is the closest I've ever been to the soldier without us trying to hurt each other.

The building isn't as cold as it was outside but either way I'm not shivering. The cold's never really affected me, I like it. So being out there, soaking wet, wasn't that bad. He leads me to the the showers and then quickly walks out, leaving me to clean myself up. Looking over to the towel rack, I see a towel and a pile of clothes. Did he put those there?

I throw the blanket in a pile by the door and walk pass the mirror, glancing at my face briefly. My right eye isn't as swollen anymore thanks to the cold, but the rest of my face is a whole other story. I can barley see the color of my skin because of the amount of blood and bruises covering it. Looking down to my stomach, I find more bruises scattered across the surface. My eyes run up to my upper right arm to see the stab wound. I squeeze around it, wincing at the pain. It goes in about 2 inches and is 1 inch long, it isn't that bad. Turning around, I walk towards my shower and turn it on. Closing my eyes I welcome the cold water onto my face as it numbs it. I rub at my face trying to wash away the frozen blood stuck to my skin. Once I think all the blood has been washed off, I quickly wash my hair and the rest of my body. Turning off the shower, I walk over to the towel rack and start drying myself off. I quickly change into my clothes and walk over to the mirror to examine my face. My lip's busted, of course, cuts and bruises are scattered across my face, and my left cheek and right eye are swollen as well. But the swelling's starting to decrease. I walk out of the washroom to find the soldier waiting for me. He's leaning against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest. His eyes snap towards me and he stands up straight, walking towards the staircase indicating for me to follow him. Soon we reach the infirmary and he opens the door, revealing John who's sitting in a chair finishing up a bottle of vodka.

"Ah, Natalia come in you look terrible." John slurs. He gets up and starts walking towards me but before he can get half way the soldier grabs him by the shirt and throws him out of the room, slamming the door shut. The soldier then walks over to the counter and starts taking out rubbing alcohol, cotton, gauze, a needle, and thread. The soldier makes his way over to me and lifts up my sleeve revealing the wound. He pours some alcohol on the piece of cotton and starts dabbing the wound. I don't flinch, instead I study his face. His eyebrows are scrunched up in concentration, rather than focusing on hurting someone he's fixing them. After a while of staring at him I look down and notice he's already begun stitching me up. His left hand firmly grips my elbow to position it in the right angle and his right hand carefully pierces the needle through my skin. I notice that he's quietly muttering something to himself but I can't make out what he's saying. I don't even think it's Russian. Eventually he finishes and wraps my arm in gauze, I only needed 12 stitches. It'll heal in a couple days. I'm about to slide off the table but the soldier shoots me a quick look telling me to stay put. He then gently grabs my chin and tilts it up and to the right. He begins cleaning the other cuts on my face carefully. When he gets close to my right eye I close both of them and slowly breathe through my nose. My eye's still a little tender. The feeling of his cool breath against my face calms me down a bit.

"What did you do?" The soldier brakes the silence. I snap my eyes open and look at him, shocked that he spoke. His Russian's really good but I can tell it isn't his first language. He has that slight accent that John has but less noticeable, he's from America. I can't say anything, instead I just stare at him dumbfounded. I've only heard him speak once so I'm a little caught off guard. I keep repeating what he said to me in my head, liking the way his voice sounds. I then realize exactly _what_ he said and finally realize he's just looking for a reaction.

"You know what I did." I state matter-of-factly. The soldier looks down to his hand that's still holding my chin and quickly jerks it away. He then steps back a couple feet and rubs his eyes in exhaustion.

"Go get something to eat, we'll train tomorrow." The soldier mutters and quickly walks out of the room. I turn towards the open door and find John still slumped against the wall sleeping. Sighing loudly, I hop off the table and head towards the dining hall. I can hear the soldier's footsteps going up the stairs towards his room. The place where his hand rested on my chin is still burning and I can't stop thinking about how gentle he was. I can slowly feel my walls crumbling, I feel trapped between wanting to get closer to him and wanting to get as far away as possible. Ivan would surely kill me if he found out I'm being compromised. The soldier's training me to become the Black Widow but he can be the reason I get killed before than.

When I reach the dining hall I find it empty except for the chef cleaning up the dishes. The chef's a tall, plump, man with small glasses. When he finally notices me he immediately rolls his eyes and walks away. I sit down at the far end of the table waiting for him, he then comes back and places a small bowl of rice and chicken in front of me. I begin to eat and think about the way Ivan looked at me. He felt bad, but he still punished me. I'm happy about that, it means he isn't favoring me over the other girls. What pisses me off though is that I wasted an entire day of training, but I'll have to make it up tomorrow by working twice as hard. And at the same time I have to start distancing myself from the soldier which'll be kind of hard when I'm training with him everyday. But I have to at least try, I won't let anyone get in my way, not even him.

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**Hey guys, here's chapter 5. Hope you like it, please R&amp;R! :)**


	6. Chapter 6: Holding Back

The sun's just starting to rise, indicating that the day's about to begin. After yesterday I'm more determined. Determined to be the Black Widow, determined to destroy everyone that's in the Red Room including Ivan, and determined to leave this place and never come back. They took everything from us, they're probably the ones who killed our parents. They want to make me into a killer? Fine I'll be one, but they'll be sorry that they did. I swing my fist at the punching bag one more time and ignore the jolt of pain that runs up my arm, then I sit down on the mat to catch my breath. The soldier wasn't here this morning, so I decided to train. I missed my training yesterday so I have to push extra hard today. I could have continued to train after the officer beat the crap out of me, but no instead he had to chain me up outside for hours.

I lay on the ground, staring up at the ceiling, waiting to hear the sound of the girls footsteps walking towards the washroom. After a couple more minutes I get up and head there anyways, they're taking too long. I quickly brush my teeth and wash my face. The swelling of my eye and cheek is completely gone and is replaced with dark bruises. I run my tongue over my busted lip and taste something coppery. I sigh out in frustration when I see it begin to bleed. Instead of cleaning it I just suck on my lip and head back towards the training room to train more. When I get there I don't find it empty. The soldier stands there waiting, for me? I guess my training with him starts now. His back's turned towards me but I can tell he knows I'm behind him. As soon as he turns around his eyes immediately dart to my right arm, but his face doesn't change. It's just blank, nothing unusual. Except for the fact that his fists are clenching and unclenching. I close the training room door and advance towards him, stopping when we're face to face. After a couple more minutes of the soldier staring at my arm he looks back up at me and steps aside, revealing the punching bag that's behind him.

"Punch it." He orders, his voice deep and smooth. As I walk up to the punching bag I can feel his eyes on me, burning holes. He's distracting me. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, concentrating on what I'm suppose to do. Planting my feet firmly to the ground, I swing my fist at the bag. A loud thump echoes through the room, looking over at the soldier I find him subconsciously rubbing his lips with his fingers in thought. His eyes slowly rake down my body in thought, making me squirm under his hard gaze. Eventually his eyes are locked with mine again and I hold my breath, waiting to see what he'll do next. The soldier takes a couple steps towards me and puts his hands on my waist, making me flinch at the weird tingly feeling that I begin to feel. He then twists my body slightly to the right so my back is to him. The soldier takes his right hand and reaches over, placing it on my stomach. I try my hardest not to close my eyes at the warmth of his hand.

"Keep tension here and swing again." The soldier orders again, this time his voice getting lower. I feel his breath hit my ear and it makes shivers run down my spine. He steps back and waits. The loss of his warmth makes me frown and I have to close my eyes and try to think straight. What the hell is going on? Is he doing this on purpose? Taking a deep breath, I put tension in my stomach and punch at the bag again. "Better. Now punch me." Turning towards the solider, I swing my fist at him but he easily dodges it.

"Again." He demands. I try to punch him again but he effortlessly steps aside. "Let go Natalia."

I look up at him, confused. What is he talking about? I swing again, and again and again but I keep missing. The next punch he catches and pulls me flush against his body so my face is only an inch away from his. "Why are you holding back?" He whispers harshly into my ear, then roughly pushes me away. I stumble back and clench my jaw in anger. I run towards him and swing my fist again but the soldier grabs it and twists it back. He grips the back of my neck with his metal hand and forces me down into a kneeling position. "Lose control. Fight me." He growls, shoving my head down then stepping back. I place both of my hands on the ground and hang my head down. I can feel a burning sensation growing in my chest and I grit my teeth together, trying to not lose it. I thought I was using my full abilities with the soldier, but I guess from all the years of holding back I didn't realize I've been subconsciously doing it as well. Almost like a switch I snap my head up and get back on my feet. I slowly turn around to face the soldier and see a pleased smirk displayed on his face. I slowly walk towards him and he begins walking towards me. As soon as we meet in the middle I swing my fist towards his face and he moves to the side, but not fast enough. I graze his cheek and his smirk grows. I punch again, as I continue swinging hits at him it becomes harder for him to dodge them. Eventually I land one to his cheek and he stumbles back. The soldier grins and stands up straight.

"Good." Out of nowhere he charges at me. I block his hits and try to keep up with him, but he's too fast. I get punched, thrown across the room, choked. Now I know how much he's been holding back on me. As he continues fighting me, I study his movements. He already knows what his next move is going to be, he has them all planed out. If he kicks me in the stomach he already knows where my body will go, what it'll do. Like he knows what will happen before it happens. I need to catch him by surprise. He's moving so quickly, hitting me one after the other. I have no time to think.

The soldier grabs my left arm and throws me towards the wall. As I slam into it I let out a painful grunt. I see him quickly walking towards me and I know I only have a couple seconds to get my thoughts together. The soldier bends down and forces me up so I'm standing, he then pulls his fist back to punch me. What happens next is almost like it happens in slow motion. Right as his fist is mere centimeters from my face I jerk my head to the side and it connects with the wall. I don't waste time and grab his metal arm, twisting it to the side and kneeing him in the stomach. Slipping away from him, I work out a strategy in my mind. He's fast, he doesn't use his feet much, mostly his arms. The soldier eventually saunters back onto the mat, anger and excitement burning in his eyes. He stands in front of me and in a flash grabs my right arm and forces it behind me. He then takes a fist full of my hair and yanks it back. Focusing on the crack in the ceiling, I begin to think. Swinging my left arm around his neck, I take a handful of his hair and jerk it back so he's looking up too. We both stand like that for a couple seconds until I get an idea. Taking my right leg, I wrap it around his right leg. Using all of my body weight, I throw myself forward and do a somersault, bringing the soldier down with me. We both land on the ground, me laying on top of him. Rolling off, I wait for the soldier to get up. He sits up and rubs the back of his head, before I can blink his hand shoots out and wraps around my neck. The soldier flips me over onto my back and straddles me, his grip around my neck getting tighter. Without a second thought I jerk my knee up so it connects with his stomach and the soldier leans forward in pain, but his hold on my neck doesn't loosen. I take that opportunity to strain my head forward and bite the exposed part of his neck. He grunts in pain and I can feel his hands go slack, I take that moment to kick him backwards onto his back but he takes a hold of my leg and pulls me towards him. The soldier wraps his right arm around my head and puts me into a firm headlock. I lay between his legs as he chokes me. I kick my legs and try to pull his arm away so I can breathe, but he doesn't budge. I begin clawing at his arm in desperation, hoping he'll let go but it only makes him tighten his hold. Eventually he lets go and stands up, leaving me on the floor. Laying on the mat, I close my eyes, trying to breathe in as much air as possible.

"You can leave, we'll train later." He callously dismisses me. On shaky legs, I try to stand up. The lightheaded feeling starting to fade, but I still have to take deep breathes to steady myself. Taking one last look at him, I find him rubbing the area on his neck where I bit him. Turning around I begin to walk out. "Stop holding back Natalia."

I close the door behind me and head to the dining hall where I know the girls are. I don't even want to know how bad my neck looks. As soon as I walk into the dining hall all chattering stops, everyones attention's on me. I walk a little ways and sit next to Yelena who's sitting at the end of the table. The chef puts a plate of toast and butter down for me with a glass of milk. Ignoring everyones stare, I begin to eat. The burning pain around my throat slowly fades but it still hurts to swallow.

"Where were you?" Yelena whispers from across the table. I don't look up at her, I don't really want to look or talk to anyone. What the soldier said keeps repeating in my head like a broken record. He wants me to stop holding back? After I've been spending years of doing exactly that. I lost it for only a second in there, a second too long. I'm angry at how he was provoking me, yet at the same time it feels kind of good to loose control and I'm disappointed in myself for that. If I continue to lose control I might not be able to stop. I also wonder how the soldier knew I was holding back, I didn't even know I was holding back against him until now.

"Training." I respond quietly, my voice raspy. Yelena nods, she understands what I meant and doesn't ask anymore questions. Eventually the girls begin to start talking again and forget about me for the time being. After we finish eating Lena goes to the training room while we get ready to head to the ballet studio. As we make our way up the stairs I can't help but want to go back up to the filing room on the 5th floor. They have an entire file on me and I want to know what it says.

"Natalia." A voice calls from behind me. I turn around and see Ivan ushering me to follow him. The other girls give me a suspicious stare as if me and Ivan are plotting something. "Where were you this morning?"

"The soldier wanted to train this morning since I didn't get to yesterday." I told him the truth. There's no point in lying because if I did he'd find out the truth eventually, then possibly kill me for it. Ivan nods in understanding, then opens his mouth to speak again.

"Why did Yelena ask you to fight with her the other day?" That's the question I've been dreading to hear. I don't want to tell him we're secretly training, I can't. But at the same time I don't want to die, so I'll tell him the truth.

"I don't know, I guess since I don't really hang out with the other girls she thought I'd go easy on her." The words fall out of my mouth before I can stop them. What happened to telling the truth? Ivan gives me a quick nod then turns around to leave. I can't help but stand there with my eyes closed. What am I doing? I'm protecting Yelena, why? She hasn't done anything for me, but I'm protecting her and putting my life on the line in the process.

* * *

Ballet flies by fairly quickly and Madame Oksana's even more snappy than yesterday. As we dance I notice most of the girls, Osa, Enora, and Anja in particular are giving me irritated glances. Mr. Volkov's class went by pretty fast as well. I honestly don't remember what he's teaching because I was so distracted thinking about the soldier. What he said still repeated in my mind. _'Stop holding back, Natalia.' _Maybe he's right. Maybe I should stop holding back, but how do I just _not_ ? I've been forcing myself to not lose control for as long as I can remember. Now I'm just suppose to stop, it's not that easy. But maybe I can become in control of being out of control. Ironic, isn't it? I can still feel the burning sensation in my chest from this morning but it's lessened since then. The adrenaline still runs through my veins and I'm afraid that if one of the girls or officers pushes me the wrong way, I'll snap.

After Mr. Volkov's class we head back to the dining hall for lunch, the officers talking among themselves. Ivan isn't here though, he's probably somewhere upstairs. I go to take a bite of my lunch but it gets knocked out of my hand. Looking up I see Osa, Enora, and Anja sitting across from me where Yelena use to be. Looking behind them I see Yelena on the floor looking up at them in anger.

"Where were you this morning?" Osa asks with a snarl. Rolling my eyes in annoyance, I go to take another bite but it gets slapped out of my hand again. "I asked you a question you Ryzhevolosaya urod (red-haired freak)."

"None of your business." I snap back. My patience is slowly thinning and I just wanted to break all of their necks. Enora and Anja sit on either side of Osa and look at me as if they have the right to know.

"What did you just say?" Enora fumes, standing up. Apparently they need to know where I am at all times.

"I said none of your business." I repeat, standing up. I can feel the burning in my chest growing again and my fist start to clench. I watch as Anja gets up and walks around the table towards me, Osa and Enora following close behind. I know what they're about to do and I'm so focused on not killing them that I don't care. Anja grabs me by my arm and drags me out of the dining hall, I look back and ss that the officers are still talking. Her grip on my arm tightens and her nails dig into my skin, blood beginning to run down my arm. The whole time Yelena's running behind us trying to stop them, but Osa and Enora keep pushing her away.

Eventually we make it to the washroom and Anja pushes me into one of the shower stalls, making me hit my head against the wall. Before I can blink I begin to feel Anja's foot connect with my stomach repeatedly, making it hard to breathe. I can hear Yelena screaming something but I can't make out what it is, I'm too busy trying to calm myself. She keeps kicking me, in the stomach, face, chest, taking all of her anger out and soon after Enora joins in while Osa holds back Yelena. The 3 of them take turns holding back Yelena so they can all get a chance at me. My vision starts to become blurry and I can somewhat see blood all over the tile floor. I can't feel my face and the urge to vomit's gradually building. Black spots blur my vision and I can feel my eyes getting heavy. All of a sudden the kicking stops and I hear pounding and screaming. Then someone begins to talk but I can't hear what they're saying. Struggling to keep my eyes open, I let out a labored breath. I can't feel anything yet everything hurts. I want to kill them, but also I don't. I told myself I'd let them make me into a killer, but I just can't be one. I can't take someones life, not again.

I feel myself being gently lifted up and carried out of the shower stall. I can't tell who it is but frankly I don't care because I'm grateful. Closing my eyes, I let myself fall asleep in the person's arms.

* * *

The sound of shuffling wakes me up but I don't open my eyes. I don't know where I am or who's with me. All I can hear is someone opening a cabinet, closing it, and the sound of some kind of liquid. When I hear the footsteps coming towards me I ready myself to attack. As soon as I feel a hand touch my lips, I snap my eyes open and grab the person's arm. I twist it back and jump down from the table I'm laying on. Before I know it the person spins around and holds both of my hands behind my back. The only thing I can do is struggle against their hold, their grip isn't tight and finally looking around I realize I'm in the infirmary.

"Natalia, it's me." I stop struggling as soon as I realize who it is. The soldier spins me around and softly pushes me back towards the table. Understanding what he meant, I hop back on it so he can continue cleaning up my face. I don't want to know what it looks like because no doubt it isn't pretty. He dabs a cotton ball on my mouth, wiping away the blood. I can't meet his eyes, I'm so ashamed, embarrassed, angry, humiliated. I feel like I'm a damsel in distress, like some princess that needs saving which I'm far from. He must think I'm weak, that I can't even defend myself against a couple girls. But I could've killed them if I did. Where are they? "Why didn't you fight back?" He asks while beginning to clean the blood from my nose.

"I could've killed them if I did." I reply, still not meeting his gaze. The soldier stops for a second, then continues. We stay in silence, only the sound of my heart beating fills my ears.

"They deserve to die." He mumbles after a while. Looking over his shoulder I see a trashcan full of bloody tissues and cotton balls. How long have I been asleep?

"No they don't." I sigh. "Not yet anyway. If they're going to die, it's going to be because they aren't good enough to stay in the program."

The soldier steps back from the table and turns around, throwing the cotton ball away. He begins cleaning up the supplies and I just watch him move. He has a weird kind of grace when he does things, whether it's cleaning my wounds, walking, or fighting me.

"How long was I asleep?" I ask, looking up from fumbling with my fingers. The soldier finishes up cleaning and turns around to look at me, folding his arms and leaning against the counter. Looking down at his hand, the right one, I notice how bruised it is.

"A couple hours." He responds gruffly, then walks towards the door to leave. "Come on."

I've been asleep for a couple hours! What time is it? I follow the soldier down the staircase until we make it to the training room. When he opens the door I look up at the ceiling and see no light, it's already night. We walk to the middle of the mat and get into position. Even though I'm badly hurt there's no way he'll go easy on me, he doesn't have that kind of mercy. The soldier shoots out his arm and aims for my stomach, knowing that's where I'm hurt the most. Before his fist can hit me, I catch it and twist it back until I heard a pop. The soldier lets out a pained cry and leans forward, kneeing me in the stomach. Doubling over in pain, I hold onto his shoulders for support. That son of a bitch. As my head's hanging down he then decides to knee me in the face too. I stumble back and place my hand against my nose, sighing in relief when I see no blood. I mean he just cleaned it. Watching as he relocates his elbow, I hear it pop back into place. We continue training for a couple more hours though it seemed like mere minutes. Hearing his grunts of pain's music to my ears and I know the same goes for him. We get pleasure out of each others pain. I remember saying I have to distance myself from him, but just that thought now seems impossible. I can't, I don't want to. I feel so at ease around him but at the same time vigilant, it's a weird feeling. I trust him, yet I don't. He brings out the worst in me, and now I'm not so sure that's a bad thing.

* * *

**Hey guys hope you enjoyed it. Please R&amp;R it would mean a lot. Also I have a Pinterest board dedicated to the story, so if you want to check it out that would be cool. But it's secret so just message me and I'll add you. My username is the same as my fanfic name. Salut!**


	7. Chapter 7: Moscow Lights

I leave the training room feeling giddy. Even though I'm sore all over and some parts of my body's in immense pain, I'm happy. My stomach rumbles as I head over to the dining hall for dinner. I can hear the girls talking from down in the basement and know they're getting ready for bed. Once I get to the dining hall the chef already has a plate waiting for me. No one else's around, all the officers must've already went to bed. Picking up my plate, I decide to find somewhere else to eat. The stairs leading up have me itching to climb them, to see what's beyond the 5th floor. I don't know where I'm going or what I going to do but I eventually find myself walking past the 5th floor. You're becoming reckless Natalia, yet I'm still going. 6th, 7th, finally I make it to the 8th floor. The 8th floor's a long hallway with endless doors running down. It's dark and dirty, more dirty than the first 7 floors, and cracks in the ceiling bring in light that illuminates the walls and floor. Dead rats and paint peelings lay scattered around my feet causing a stale, moldy smell to fill the air. No one must come up here. I slowly make my way down the hall, making sure to stay alert. Since I can barely see, my hearing's at full attention. I eventually make it to the end of the hall and I'm faced with a black door. Above it there's a broken EXIT sign that looks like it's about to fall from the ceiling. Pushing at the door with my left shoulder, I'm surprised when it actually opens. Bitter cold air nips at my face and makes tears form in my eyes. I close them and welcome the cold as it blows back my hair. I can't help but smile as goosebumps form all over my body. As I step through the door I look around, noticing I'm on the roof. The door softly closes behind me and I begin walking towards the edge. My eyes open wide in amazement as I see bright lights in an array of different colors far off in the distance. I've never seen anything like it before. The way it lights up the sky and how you can see it even though it's miles and miles away. I can tell we have to be at least an hour away from where ever that is yet I can still see it from the thick forest that separated us.

"What is that?" I ask quietly to the person who I can tell is standing behind me.

"Moscow." The soldier answers, stepping forward to stand next to me. So that's what Moscow looks like. We've studied it and learned to fall in love with it, yet I've never seen it before. We've learned everything there is to know about the Motherland, yet we aren't allowed beyond these walls.

I don't look over at the soldier, I don't have to. I know he's just as amazed as I am even though his face is no doubt blank. He has a knack for sneaking up on people but so do I. Even though I didn't hear him, I felt his presence and that's all it takes.

We stand there for a couple minutes seeing who'll move first. With a sigh of defeat, I sit down at the edge of the building and dangle my legs over so it's hanging off. Eventually the soldier does the same. We both eat in silence, enjoying each others company. It's nice not having to hear the other girls eating and talking and the officers joking around with each other. Instead, this is peaceful and quiet.

"What's your name?" I blurt out subconsciously. I blink a couple times trying to comprehend what I just did. How could I be so stupid? I'm slipping. I'm not in control of myself. I sneak a glance at the soldier and find him smirking. He knows I'm starting to lose control of my thoughts and words, and he enjoys watching it happen.

"I don't know." He answers honestly. I finally look over at him and study his demeanor. He's trying to hide the fact that he's uncomfortable. Ya, doesn't feel good now does it. These people took away the memory of my parents, they must have taken away everything from him. Even his name. A wave of sadness hits me, what has he been through? Sadness soon turns into anger. What are these people trying to accomplish? What are they planning for us to do? We're just a bunch of puppets they're controlling. I turn back towards the lights and sigh out in defeat. There's no way out of here, except for dying or becoming exactly what they want me to be.

I study the side of his face, taking in his slight stubble, his hair that's swept to the back due to him running his fingers through it, and finally to the bright red bite mark I left on his neck. It's dark out, but the red mark compared to his pale skin is hard to not notice.

"How's your arm?" The soldier asks not taking his eyes off the city lights. Is he, concerned? I look down and notice he's clutching the now empty plate tightly. So tight his knuckles are turning white.

"It's fine, still healing." I answer softly. Not once has he looked at me. Why do I want him to?

Remembering that my arm's injured makes me aware of all the other injuries I have. The bruises all over my body and the aching I still feel around my neck from when the soldier choked me. It's easy to forget pain you're use to.

"It's slowing you down. You're hits aren't as fast and hard, that could get you killed." The soldier says in the stern tone he uses when he's teaching. With that he stands up and begins to walk back towards the door to leave. "I don't want you holding back anymore, at least not with me."

As soon as I hear the door close I let out the breath I don't realize I'm holding in. Why does he make me feel this way? Everything he does makes my stomach flip. I've never felt like this towards anyone, so what makes him so special? Leaning back, I lay down and stare up at the stars. I try counting them to clear my mind but I just end up thinking about Ivan, Yelena, being the Black Widow, my self control, and more importantly the soldier. No doubt Ivan'll find out about my training with Yelena, then the other girls I have to worry about because they hate me, I can feel myself slowly losing the little sanity I have left, and the soldier really isn't helping with that. Everything has changed so much in the past week and I hate it. Before the soldier came here everything was fine, I wasn't risking my life to help people nor was I lying to anyone. Now I'm training Yelena, God knows why, and I've lied to Ivan.

I close my eyes as my head begins to ache. I can handle this, I've been through much more difficult things in the past. These are just obstacles I have to get through.

I stand up and make my way to the door. As I open it, I stop and look back at the lights one more time before walking through and closing it behind me. I'll definitely be coming back here. As I make my way down the hallway back to the staircase, I realize we'll be having our monthly test soon so they can track our progress. I better warn Yelena so she isn't caught by surprise. The girls don't keep track on when the tests are going to be, but I always count the days to make sure I'm ready. Now that the Winter Soldier is here, will our tests be different?

As I get closer to the 4th floor I can begin to hear the sound of voices. It's coming from a room that's right next to the one they erased Velina's memory in. The door's closed but I can still make out what they're saying.

"Sir, another one has started to regain her memory. I over heard her talking about her parents and what her life was like before the Red Room." A hushed voice says harshly. It sounds like the officer that stabbed me and chained me up yesterday.

"Who is it?" That voice's unmistakably Ivan's. He sounded angry and frustrated, something I've never heard him sound like before. "The programming we're using is starting to faultier, we need another option."

"I might know some people we can negotiate with, Sir." The sound of footsteps makes me back away from the door and slip into another room. The door opens revealing Ivan and 2 other officers, the three of them all begin to walk upstairs. As soon as the sound of their footsteps disappear, I walk out of the room and quickly head towards the dining hall.

So their programming is failing, does that mean I'll start remembering too? What about the soldier?

I finally reach the dining hall and find the chef playing cards with John. He glances up and rolls his eyes. As I walk towards him, he stands up from the table and begins walking towards me, then snatches the plate from my hands and turns around. Turning around, I head to the basement for bed. Lights are out when I get there and soft snores can be heard over the silence. I quietly change into my sleeping clothes and get into bed. As soon as my head hits the pillow a wave of exhaustion hits me, not realizing how tired I am. Handcuffing my wrist, I look around the room at the other girls and wonder which ones have regained their memory. The day replays in my mind and I yawn, closing my eyes and falling asleep to the thoughts of the Moscow lights.

* * *

I jolt awake, breathing heavily and sweating. I can still see the red blood, here the screaming, smell the smoke, blood, and gasoline, and I can still feel the heat of the fire. But that's all a dream, no a nightmare. I haven't had it in weeks, they come irregularly. I already know I won't be able to fall back asleep, so I uncuff my wrist and quietly get out of bed. When my feet hit the floor a wave of dizziness hits me and I have to close my eyes and wait for it to pass. I'm itching to hit something, to let out my frustration on. I quietly pad through the building and up the stairs. The training room soon comes into view and I sigh in relief when I see no one's in there. I really don't feel like facing anyone right now, the soldier included. The moon light shines in certain spots, leaving some parts of the room dark. Thankfully the punching bags have some light hitting them, making them easier to see.

Walking up to one of the bags, I begin cracking my knuckles. The tension slowly leaves my fingers and I swing my fist. The pain that shoots up my right arm makes me forget about everything and a smile creeps onto my face. Hit after hit, I eventually completely forget about my dream and only focus on the punching bag. I remember the stance the soldier showed me when hitting the punching bag and I get into it. Swinging at the bag again I realize the pain shooting up my arm is less intense. After a few more punches, I hold the punching bag still and rest my head against it to catch my breath. As I turn my head towards the door, I'm surprised to see the soldier leaning against it shirtless. Not that it matters. He stands there completely fixated on me and what I'm doing. His messy hair's falling in his eyes, he's leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed, his mouth is set in a line, but his eyes are practically sparkling with fascination. I turn my head back towards the punching bag and breathe out an irritated sigh. I'm really not in the mood to be around anyone, especially him. Deciding to just ignore him, I step back a little and start swinging punch after punch. I ignore the soldier staring at me like I'm some guinea pig, I ignore the footsteps I begin to hear walking towards me, I ignore the slight brush of his arm against my back as he walks past me, I ignore the shivers that run down my spine and makes it harder for me to breathe, I ignore the sound of him using the punching bag next to mine, I just try to ignore him. Sometimes I just need a break from him messing with my emotions and thoughts, he confuses me and makes everything make sense at the same time. Sometimes I need a break from that, but he's making that a little difficult right now. I soon find myself losing control on the punching bag. I'm throwing sloppy punches but frankly I can care less, anything to distract me from him. After a couple minutes his presence, I hate to admit, becomes comforting. We both have our own personal issues and we have a similar way of dealing with them. The more time I spend with the soldier the less robotic and emotionless he seems. If I were anyone else I would miss the little things he would do that reminds me that he's a man, not a weapon.

The feeling of a cold hand on my stomach makes me freeze and shakes me out of my thoughts. Grinding my teeth together, I try with every fiber of my being to not shiver from the feeling of his breath hitting my neck.

"You're not keeping tension in your stomach. Your opponent can easily knock you done if you aren't firm in your stance." He whispers roughly. His other hand resting on my hip and his back almost completely pressed against mine, I'm trying to fight the urge to lean into it. Turning my head to face him I find the soldier's face centimeters from mine, our noses almost touching. Our breath mixes together and his grip on me tightens. Confusion, shock, and guilt flashes in his eyes and the soldier rips himself away from me. Disappointment and relief washes over me and I clear my throat to speak, but I don't know what to say. He looks everywhere but at me and rubs his forehead in frustration. He looked absolutely exhausted, like he hasn't slept for days.

"We should head to bed, we have a busy day tomorrow." I finally speak up. The soldier still doesn't look at me but he nods his head in agreement and hastily heads for the door without a word. I stand there for a couple minutes until I hear the quiet sound of his room door closing, then I start to make my way to the basement. On my way down I realize how quiet it is. I mean yes it's the middle of the night and everyone is asleep, but it's too quiet. Normally you could hear rats squeaking or the soft humming of the computer monitors from upstairs, but I don't hear anything. Turning around, I head up to the 5th floor. It's the perfect time to find my file and read through it anyway.

When I get to the 4th floor I peek into the room where Velina got her memories taken away, and I find that everything's gone. No computers, no dentist chair, nothing. I'm curious about what's going on here, but not as curious as I am about the file that's waiting for me upstairs. Continuing on to the next floor, I finally make it to the room with the files. Thankfully everything is still in here. This room too has cracks and holes in the ceiling, so some light's seeping in. Quietly making my way around the filing cabinets, I manage to find the one I'm looking for. Opening it, I read through the last names until I come across mine. I open the file and read the first thing at the top of the page. _Natalia Alianovna Romanova. _So that's my middle name. The next thing I see are 3 pictures of me. The first one says at the bottom that I'm about 3 years old when it was taken, that's how old I was when Ivan took me. The next picture was taken when I was 7, and the third one was when I was 13. At the top of the page's my birthday, November 22, 1984. It's winter, I'm 17. Happy late birthday to me. Flipping to the next page I find it's about my parents. Their names were Vladimir and Alexandra Romanova. I also had a brother, his name was Vindiktor and he was born 2 years before me. They all died in a house fire started by enemy forces trying to take over the city I was born in, Volgograd. I know my mother threw me out of the window down to Ivan, who was a Russian soldier at the time that was waiting below. At the bottom of the page's a black and white photograph of them taken in 1983, a year before I was born. My father has a warm smile, a beard, and hair that hangs down past his chin. My mother has curly hair like mine, a sweet smile, and my brother in her arms. My brother was only a year old, he had a full head of hair and a toothy grin. They looked happy. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and for once I let them fall. I remember nothing about these people except some memories the people here _let_ me remember. Just looking at them in this picture, even though I wasn't born yet, I could tell they loved me. My heart ached to get to know them, to know what it's like to have parents. Why did they choose to save me instead of my brother? What would of happened to him if Ivan raised him instead? I don't remember my brother, but I'm glad they threw me to Ivan instead of him. Just looking at Vindiktor's picture, makes my stomach churn just imagining him having to go through what I went through already. If I knew him I would have given him the nickname Vin, he would have protected me because I was his little sister, and we would have bickered every chance we got. I never really knew why I wanted to survive the Red Room, just that I had to. But now I know why, I have survive for them. I have to make sure that they didn't sacrifice themselves for me for no reason.

I quickly close the file and place it back in the cabinet when I here footsteps softly pounding down the stairs. Quickly closing the cabinet, I go down a couple cabinets until I find the W's. _Winter Soldier Project. _That's his file. My fingers itch to open it and read it but I know I don't have enough time. I have to get down to the basement. The footsteps sound like they're on the 6th floor and they're coming down fairly slow, so the person's probably half asleep. With that conclusion I quietly close the cabinet and make my way out of the room. On my way down the stairs it sounds like the person's right behind me but I know they aren't. I'm a good couple feet ahead of them and the darkness really gives me an advantage. As I reach the final steps that lead to the 1st floor, I realize that this person's going to the kitchen. Probably for some water or a late night snack. When I step into the kitchen I crouch down and try to make my way to the basement that's just a couple feet ahead of me. The sound of pots hitting the floor makes me jump and hide behind a counter.

"Der'mo (Shit)." A gruff voice curses. It's one of the officers. I listen to the officer lazily pick up the pans and place them back. The sound of shuffling and dishes knocking against each other fills the room, then the officer turns the faucet on. I listen to him gulp down water, set the cup down, then turn back around and leave. Finally creeping out of my hiding spot, I walk down the few steps that lead into the basement. Quietly walking to my bed, I climb back in and cuff my wrist.

"Natalia, where did you go?" A sleepy voice asks from across the room. I can somewhat make out Yelena sitting up in bed, rubbing her eyes sleepily.

" I just went to get a drink." I reply, acting tired. She nods her head then immediately falls back asleep. I lay down and close my eyes, but sleep doesn't come. Not after what I've discovered today. I didn't get to finish reading my file, there are about 6 to 7 more pages left to read. Not to mention I found the soldier's file, it's not really my business to read but he should at least know what's in it. I mean knowing what your name is seems pretty important, after thinking about it for a while I come to the decision that I'll give the soldier his file. The question is when.

I spent the rest of the night thinking about a burning house, city lights, the Winter Soldier, and the family that could have been, and soon after that's what I dream about.

* * *

**Sorry it's been so long, but need not fear chapter 7 is here! Please R&amp;R, it would mean a lot. :)**


	8. Chapter 8: Eight

"Sorry it's been awhile. I've been so exhausted with the Winter Soldier's training." Yelena apologizes, swinging her foot up to connect with my head. Quickly catching it, I twist it to the side and pull her down so she's laying on the floor.

"It's fine, I am too." I step back to give her room to stand up. Yelena woke me up a half an hour ago to train with her, which I didn't mind. I kind of needed something to get my mind off of things. All I can think about now is that damn file upstairs, as well as the Soldier's. His file was pretty thick and I'm itching to get my hands on it but at the same time I know I wouldn't want anyone reading my file. My file's thick as well compared to the others girls, but why? What's in my file that isn't in the others? A jab to my stomach pulls me out of my thoughts and I automatically catch Yelena's hand that's about to connect with my face. She swears under her breath and tries again to hit me, but just ends up on the floor. "You're doing better"

Yelena rolls her eyes but I can tell she appreciated the compliment. The girls should be waking up any second so we wrap things up in the training room. I actually enjoy training her but I don't know why, maybe because it's nice to teach instead of learn.

I stay back in the training room while Yelena leaves to go to the washroom. She wants a head start before the other girls come along, which I can't blame her. I practice my punches and kicks, I don't know why but I have a strange feeling about today. Maybe it's because of the way the officers were talking to each other yesterday in hushed tones.

Stepping back for a second to catch my breath, I wipe my forehead that's covered in sweat. I know I have to practice to the best of my abilities, but also I can't over work myself and the fact that I still have healing injuries makes me stop for now. I can't risk hurting myself to the point where I have to be taken out of the Red Room. Following the faint chatter of the girls in the washroom, I over hear some officers whispering to each other.

"_Here_, they're coming here?" The one with dirty blond hair and a goatee asks, his hands nervously rubbing together. "When?"

"In two days. Ivan said they'll give us the equipment in exchange for something they want." The officer with jet black hair and a thick dark beard replies. He looks just as nervous as the other officer.

"What do they want?" The blond one looks around quickly to see if anyone's listening to them. I step back into the shadows so they can't see me and continue listening.

"I'm not sure, but I don't trust them one bit." The officer with black hair leans back against the wall with a sigh. I knew they were done talking so I step out from the shadows and keep on walking towards the washroom. Who were they talking about and what do they want? Maybe the equipment they're talking about has to do with all the machines missing on the 4th floor. Ivan did say the brainwashing was failing.

The washroom's dead silent as soon as I enter it. The girls are quietly brushing their teeth and getting ready, avoiding my gaze and not making a sound. Honestly, it's nice not having to hear them but at the same time I wonder what has them like this. I wonder what I did to make them act this way but decide not to dwell on it. It's nice not having to hear their annoying gossip.

The walk to the dining hall's oddly quiet as well. Not a single sound is heard, which leads me to believe something _is_ going to happen today. Nikolay hurries us to eat, which isn't really a problem because we don't have much to eat in the first place, and orders us towards the doors that lead outside. I force myself not to let my mind wander too far, afraid I'm going to get myself too excited. Nikolay opens the doors and we walk single file out into the cold. My eyes automatically dart towards the forest where I know Moscow lies beyond. The sound of the wind blowing through the trees, the crunching of the snow under my feet , and the cold air burning my nose has me feeling at peace. Whatever's to come, I'm ready.

As we swing around the building the Soldier comes into view and is standing in the clearing we trained in a couple days ago. He's facing us, wearing his usual uniform, his hands behind his back, and his face clear of any emotion or thought. Nothing new, except for a few dozen or so officers lined up behind him. Please tell me we aren't doing what I think we're doing.

Ivan walks ahead of us, which I'm surprisingly unaware he's behind me, and stands next to the Soldier. He looks more tense than usual and that leads me to believe the Soldier makes him uncomfortable, which I think's kind of amusing. We line up side by side, in alphabetical order, and wait for him to speak.

"Today you will be doing your monthly assessment." Ivan states, loud and clear. I can hear some of the girls quietly gasp in surprise. The faintest smile plays on Ivan's mouth but quickly vanishes. "This time though, it will be in front of each other and against the Soldier. He will decide who will move on with their training, and who won't." Ivan's voice drops at the last part. He looks over at the Soldier, who nods, and steps aside to get out of the way.

The Soldier very calmly begins walking towards us, the sound of some of the girls taking sharp breaths and gasping makes him walk even slower. A strange sensation pools in my stomach and the familiar burning in my chest is starting to grow. He walks down the line of us, from Lena, to me, back to Lena. Eventually he stops in front of Pouline, and she very gingerly steps forward and follows him to the center of the clearing.

Pouline's hands are shaking at her sides as she stands before the Soldier. For a couple minutes everything's silent, it even seems like time stands still. Everyone waits to see who will make the first move but the Soldier makes no effort to do so, he wants to see how she'll attack him. The nervousness that emits from Pouline I know will affect her fighting and the Soldier knows this as well guessing from the way he eyes her trembling hands. Pouline finally realizes she's the one who's going to have to strike first and takes a step forward. She tries to catch the Soldier off guard by swinging her fist up to connect with the bottom of his chin, but she hesitates for a short second as she swings which's more than enough time to figure out what she's planning to do. The Soldier moves his head back and waits. She swings again, he dodges then waits. This continues for a while until Pouline stumbles forward to try and hit him again but instead falls to the ground. What happens next makes some of the girls gasp in surprise. The Soldier takes ahold of Pouline's hair, jerks her head back, and knees her in the face making her fall back unconscious. She's lucky, he finished her off quick. It's a weird form of mercy I guess.

One officer picks Pouline up and carries her to the side to get her out of the way. The Soldier's head snaps towards us and his eyes are locked on Anja. He has a very small, practically invisible, bitterness in his eyes as he watches her step towards him. I don't realize it until now but Anja has very dark bruises on her face, briefly glancing at Enora and Osa I notice they have the same thing. There's no doubt that's from the day they dragged me into the shower stall. The memory of it leaves a sour taste in my mouth knowing the Soldier pretty much had to save me as though I was some helpless little girl.

Anja glares at the Soldier, trying to intimidate him but fear's plainly written across her face. Though it's cold she wipes her hands against her pants to get rid of the sweat and takes a deep breath, making it pretty clear she's about to make a move. Her leg shoots up to attempt to kick the Soldier across the head but he effortlessly catches it and jerks it sideways making Anja cry out in pain. She falls to the floor and the Soldier waits. Anja struggles to stand back up and eventually does so, but she stands with a limp. He's already going way harder on Anja than he did with Pouline. Anja swings a punch to his face and again he catches it then flips her over onto her back. The bitterness in his eyes never leaves but playfulness accompanies it. This playfulness is different than the one he has with me when we're fight each other. This is him enjoying playing with her, messing with her, hurting her. With Pouline he watched her as a teacher should, he focused on how she moved, how she attacked. With Anja now, it's almost like he's teaching her a lesson and not one a teacher gives but a lesson from someone who's pissed off and angry. Eventually the Soldier decides he's had enough of her and nods for her to go to where Pouline's still laying unconscious.

Next is Lena, she doesn't do so good. She kept stumbling, her punches were sloppy, and her footing was clumsy. Yelena's after and she does surprisingly well, considering how she was a couple days ago. The Soldier catches every one of her advancements but she's much more confident in her punches than the last 3 girls were. After Yelena, is Wendeliena and she does fairly good as well. The officers at this point aren't even paying attention anymore and instead are either daydreaming or trying to talk to each other without Ivan noticing. On the other hand Ivan's completely fixated on the fight. He doesn't comment or even seems bothered at the Soldier's different levels of brutality he uses against each girl. Right now Yulia's on the floor coughing up blood. It took only one punch to the stomach for her to lay shaking on the floor and that results in Ivan pressing his lips together in disappointment. She stumbles to where the other girls are waiting, with her head down in shame. Haven't these girls learned anything from the Soldier? It's like they haven't improved since he first got here and Ivan and the Soldier look like they're thinking the same thing. Milgred and Velina do well and it's clear these two are going to make it. Someone is still yet to land a hit on the Soldier and Osa looks fixated on doing just that as she saunters over to him. She sends punches one after the other towards the Soldier but he very calmly blocks each one, eventually this irritates Osa and she proceeds to use her feet instead. Which the Soldier again blocks easily. The bitterness he had when he was fighting Anja resurfaces in his eyes as he goes against Osa. Three quick punches to the face has Osa on the floor spitting up blood, but that doesn't stop her. She gets back up and continues throwing more punches. Since she's started every punch and kick is clearly not thought out, she just does and doesn't think. In some circumstances this can be necessary, but not now, not while you're against the Winter Soldier. With him you need a clear thought process, you need to be focussed because if you aren't he'll without a doubt use that against you. Which he's doing right now. At this point Osa's stumbling around as if she's intoxicated, but she isn't giving up which you have to give her props for. The Soldier takes this time to grab her arm and twist it behind her back, Osa struggles against it and he lets her go. Before anyone can comprehend anything, Osa's on the ground and the Soldier's hitting her face. One after the other his metal fist connects with her face, his eyes wild but he's not using all of his strength. Eventually he steps back and allows an officer to drag her away as she sputters up blood. The clearing is now splattered with bloody snow, unlike when we first got here it was spotless.

Next is Enora and that same bitterness burns in his eyes as she stands before him, determined to be somewhat of a challenge. The Soldier analyzes her in such amusement it makes me want to laugh. It's funny how easily now I can read his emotions whereas everyone else sees a blank slate. Still the Soldier makes no move to strike first, but that doesn't stop Enora. She runs full speed towards the him and makes the stupid mistake of letting out a cry of anger. When fighting we're taught to make as little noise as possible, so the fact that Enora's in fact making noise has some of us shaking our heads. She's obviously primarily focused on defeating the Soldier with no other thought in mind. This is revealed when she begins audibly cursing. The way Ivan's clenching his fists at his sides and the way his jaw moves in a grinding motion leads me to believe he's utterly pissed off. Enora's at the top of the list, whereas I am just below her. It's honestly surprising she's making so many mistakes, especially at a time so life threatening and crucial as this.

Enora stands crouching on the floor in front of the Soldier, an animalistic look plastered to her face making her look completely insane. Blood's running from her nose and her teeth have blood covering them as well, some drops running down her chin making her look like a wild animal. The Soldier stands before her with a look of fake boredom playing on his face, I can tell how much fun he's having. This leads to Enora emitting a deep growl that rips from her throat and forces her to charge at him. This time the Soldier makes no effort to block or dodge her, instead he catches Enora by the throat and turns her around so he's suffocating her, his metal fingers digging into her neck. Soon enough her face's almost a dark shade of blue and her eyes roll to the back of her head. The Soldier finally loosens his grip and Enora's body falls to the floor, lifeless. All the officers look look on with shock evident on their face, while Ivan looks almost pleased. Enora's body's carried to the other girls where some of them fall to the floor, trying to stifle their cries. The scorching feeling of blue eyes watching me makes me turn away from the group of crying girls and lock eyes with the Soldier. He's excited, a playfulness nothing like the one he felt while fighting Anja, Osa, and Enora, clear to me on his face.

"Natalia." The Soldier speaks for the first time. This sends an unfamiliar flutter in my stomach and forces me to step towards him.

A sudden thought makes me tear my gaze away from the Soldier and look towards Ivan. I watch him closely, mentally asking if I should hold back as I always do when fighting in front of the girls but what I never do during our test and what I'm starting to enjoy doing with the Soldier. The nod he gives me confirms that I still need to continue holding back and not reveal my full abilities to the rest. The Soldier doesn't miss the exchange between me and Ivan and the playfulness that I'm beginning to enjoy seeing, vanishes. He isn't happy about Ivan's decision and I can't lie and say I am either.

I stand before the Soldier feeling exposed and vulnerable from the way his eyes bore into mine. Giving the Soldier a look telling him to be mindful of who's around, he gives a slight nod in understanding. A split second after he nods I shoot my arm out towards his face and the Soldier barely has time to catch it. His warm hand clutches mine tightly, making heat run up my arm. I can sense his body shift telling me he's planning to trap me close to him somehow and making it so I'm unable to move. It's amazing how quickly my senses has heightened since training with him and how well I can decipher when and what he's about to do.

The Soldier clenches my fist tighter, making some of my knuckles pop, and pulls me towards him. As soon as I'm in close proximity to him to the point I can feel his warm breath against my face, I jerk my knee up making it connect with his stomach. A low, painful grunt that I alone can hear comes from the back of his throat and his grip loosens. Pulling myself a good distance away from him, I stand waiting patiently for him to make the first move now. I pay no attention to the girls watching with with their shocked eyes and the sound of their hushed whispering, I pay no attention to the officers surrounding us in suspense and excitement, and I absolutely try to not pay attention to Ivan's hard stare that's burning holes through my back. Because for me, nothing else matters at this point and somehow I know the Soldier feels the same. It's like we're still in the training room by ourselves, testing each other's limits, strengths, and weaknesses. It's just us and I make no move to hold myself back from him, if I get punished I'd gladly take it.

As soon as the Soldier recovers from the shock, which doesn't take long, he comes barreling towards me as if he's finally been let off his leash. That same feeling takes over, in a way that makes me feel as if my chains have burst or my cage has been opened allowing me to run full speed towards the Winter Soldier. As we sprint towards one another, the soft thumping of his boots hitting the ground and the soft crunches of my feet against the snow's the only thing I can hear. As I focus on the Soldier's face, I notice the closest thing to a real smile form across his lips in a way only I can recognize like it's for me and me alone. A smile of my own forms and we both meet in the middle. Pushing myself off the ground, I prop myself up onto the Soldier's left shoulder and throw my body forward until it hits the snow covered ground. Tightening my thighs around his neck, I begin choking him. His left arm immediately shoots up towards me to hit me anywhere he can, but I catch it in my grip and hold it still against my chest. The Soldier takes that opportunity to twist his wrist around so his hand can reach around behind my neck and fist into my hair. All of a sudden my body's being twisted around so I'm laying next to him, my back pressed up against his chest. His left leg wraps around both of my legs so they can't move and his right arm's fastened around my neck while his metal one is resting on the top of my head to keep me in place. He keeps me in that hold for a couple seconds then releases me, indicating that we're finished. Standing up I walk towards the other girls, trying my best to avoid Ivan's hard stare. The girls' eyes follow my every move with a mixture of shock, fear, admiration, and hatred but I ignore it. I'm too exhilarated and happy to care what they think or feel.

"That was amazing." Yelena whispers to me with a smile. I give her a smile back and glance over to where Ivan stands to see him quietly talking to the Soldier and quickly glancing over towards us. They must be discussing who won't be moving on.

"Line up!" Ivan calls out to us a few moments later. As we hurry to line up, my gaze keeps shifting to where Enora lies dead. I can't deny that she had it coming but I still feel a sick churning in my stomach.

I stand between Osa and Yelena as we wait for the Soldier to make his move. Like before he walks up and down the line, studying our faces as if he's deciding which one of us would die, even though I know his mind's already made up. Not even two seconds later the Soldier grabs the knife from his belt and sinks it into the side of Osa's head. As soon as he yanks the knife out of her head, she falls to the ground motionless. The Soldier continues up and down the line, wiping his knife against his trousers. He suddenly stops and shoots his hand out towards Anja, pulling her out of line and throwing her to the ground. Some of the officers flinch while going for their weapons to see what the Soldier will do next. But they aren't dumb enough to try and go against him, and from the look Ivan's giving the Soldier he knows that as well. He doesn't look bothered at the least, he looks, if anything, pleased. Anja tries crawling away from the Soldier and even begins begging for mercy, which makes the pleasure on Ivan's face grow. Whereas the Soldier's face reads absolutely nothing, not even fazed from her pleading cries. He twirls the knife between his fingers as he gets closer to her. The Soldier then grabs a fist full of Anja's hair and pulls her up onto her feet, a loud whimper leaving her. Spinning her around so her back's to him, the Soldier swiftly glides the knife along her throat and let's her go. Anja drops to the floor twitching and gasping as the pool of blood coming from her throat gets bigger. I can hear the girls next to me silently crying and some of them whispering to each other about how merciless and brutal the Soldier is.

"Nikolay will now take you to the training room." Ivan tells us not even phased at the three dead bodies that lie in the snow. Nikolay, looking like he's ready to throw up, steps forward from behind Ivan and begins walking back towards the door that leads inside. So many things are running through my head. Enora, Osa, and Anja are dead. Ironically, they were my biggest obstacles as well as the last few girls to pick on me. The girls that are left not so much, yeah they give me looks but I can handle that.

Anja, Osa, and Enora are some of the best in the program, so I don't understand how they could've failed so badly. I don't want to think of it as being because the Soldier's going a little harder on them, because half of it was their fault. They did some pretty stupid things while fighting him, things they would have never done. The worst part of all of this, is the happiness that burns in my chest knowing there are only eight of us left now. The guilt's eating away at me for feeling this but just the thought of this all being over soon makes me feel less guilty.

Nikolay leads us to the training room that has a table with a line of guns placed on it. At the end of the room is a row of targets shaped like a giant square. They have white, then black, blue, red, and finally yellow circles in the middle of the target playing as indicators to where we're suppose to shoot. The bullseye, which's yellow, is my goal. I've shot a gun a couple times and I'm a decent shot, but I could definitely use more practice.

"You start weapons training today. You've had some experience with weapons in the past but the Winter Soldier will be going in depth about it." Ivan concludes, then turns around and leaves the room. We line up in front of the table, one gun placed in front of us. I know a little about guns, more so than the other girls due to my earlier start with them and I can tell this is a Ruger p90 9mm. I'm itching to get my hands on it, to feel the weight of it and the jagged parts of the gun, to fire it and feel the exhilaration of the sound it makes. Snapping my eyes up I find the Soldier studying each and every one of us, studying our reactions to seeing the weapon. Some girls look pretty confident, those being Yelena and Milgred, while the others look absolutely petrified.

"Pick up your gun." The Soldier orders in a low but demanding voice, his gaze locked on Velina. With a trembling hand, she picks up the gun carefully. "Step forward."

Velina walks around the table to stand next to the Soldier and he turns towards the target that's at the far end of the room. Taking the hint, Velina shakily lifts up the gun and fires. She doesn't even hit the target. Soon enough we're all lined up side by side firing our guns at the targets. Yelena, Milgred, and I are the only ones who manage to hit the targets. The Soldier doesn't yell any kind of encouragement or appraisal, he just stands back and watches. Most of my shots are fairly close to the bullseye but not once does it hit where I want it to which begins to frustrate me. It's been awhile since I've last shot a gun, so it feels nice to hold the familiar weight in my hand again and hear the loud noise the weapon makes. Eventually after an hour or so of us practicing our shooting, Ivan comes in to dismiss us for lunch. I decide to stay a little longer and practice, the frustration of not hitting the center irritating me. I don't realize I'm left alone with the Soldier until I feel his presence next to me. Which makes me shift my weight in discomfort because of the fact that he's looking directly at _me_, not my shooting like he's been doing all along. Focusing on the target, I pretend he's not there. That's until the familiar weight of his hands on my hips and his chest against my back makes me stop what I'm doing. The feeling of him breathing, his chest rising and falling against my back makes me fall in sync with him. For some reason this makes me fidget with the gun in my hand, feeling his body rise and fall with mine makes my stomach twist and every nerve in my body feel alert.

I don't realize I'm not facing directly at the target until the Soldier turns my body a little to the left. That's probably why I haven't been able to hit the bullseye. Next thing I know his hands move up to grip my upper arms, raising them up not even an inch. His hands go back down to grip my waist, like they belong there.

"Now shoot." He whispers roughly in my ear that's probably beet red by now. I take a couple deep breaths to clear my head, and shoot. One after the other I hit the bullseye, I can't help the smile that spreads across my face as I lower the gun. I quickly turn around to face the Soldier, my chest now pressed against his and his hands still firmly resting on my waist. I open my mouth to talk, not even sure what I'm going to say, but before I can say anything the sound of footsteps coming towards the training room makes us pull apart from each other. The realization of what just happened makes me shake my head in shame. Why does he make me feel like this? Just the smallest touch from him has me feeling things that I've never felt before. And why does he feel the need to get so close to me? He could have told me to shift my body and raise my arms without touching me.

"Natalia, please leave us." Ivan snaps me out of my thoughts. Looking up, I find him standing next to me and the Soldier, his hands placed casually behind his back. Which is a sign meaning he's angry.

Turning around, I place the gun back on the table and walk out of the training room. But instead of heading straight to the dining hall, I stand next to the training room door. When did I become so nosey?

"You wanted to speak with me." Ivan speaks up first. I'm surprised, the _Soldier_ asked to speak to Ivan? That doesn't sound right, out of place even and Ivan knows that telling from his tone. But I can tell Ivan's just going along with it to see what the Soldier wants, which I'm pretty curious about myself.

"Yes, it's about Natalia." The Soldier explains making my head snap towards the door to better hear, I can't see him but I just have the weirdest feeling he's either inspecting the guns casually on the table or holding one himself to intimidate Ivan.

"What about Natalia?" Ivan asks, his tone indicating he's growing more irritated. I notice lately Ivan's been more angry and upset ever since the Soldier arrived. Probably because the Soldier's so unpredictable, Ivan doesn't like surprises.

"You've been telling her to hold back when she's fighting, why?" The Soldier sounds oddly calm.

"I don't want the other girls to know what she's capable of." Ivan shrugs as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. "Which they know now due to her performance earlier. I'll have to have a talk with her about that later." He explains, his voice growing heavy due to him getting even more upset.

"There's no need, starting tomorrow she will no longer hold back with anyone." The Soldier says with a final tone. It's quiet for a couple moments and I can only imagine what Ivan's face looks like, he doesn't like being told what to do.

"Listen here Winter Soldier, I run this program and-" Ivan begins but gets cut off.

"-and you hired me, you hired me to train these girls and that's exactly what I'm going to do. So as her teacher I don't her holding back anymore. Let me do what I was brought here to do." The Soldier finishes, the sound of something being placed back down on the table and footsteps heading for the door telling me he's done with the conversation and is leaving the training room. Quickly standing up, I race down the stairs until I make it to the dining hall where the other girls are eating and talking among themselves. I take my place next to Yelena, who doesn't say anything, and begin eating. I'm not even paying attention to what I'm eating because I can't tear my mind away from what I overheard. Why's the Soldier so set on me losing control? He even went against Ivan to do so.

I've noticed that the Soldier has this weird power over everyone. He may feel like he's being controlled but in reality he has everyone wrapped around his finger. When the officers see him they stop what they're doing and their hands grip their weapons a little tighter. Even Ivan looks a little nervous when the Soldier's around. They're scared of him, they're afraid they won't be able to control him because he's unpredictable. It's funny really. They know he can kill each and every one of them without even breaking a sweat. It's something to admire about him really. When you first lay eyes on him he just screams power and deadliness. He's something different entirely, no man in this building is equivalent to him. Hell I don't even think a single man in the world can compare. You see one side of him which is merciless, unemotional, blank. Then if you're one of the lucky few, you see the other side of him which's playful, passionate, and in a strange way caring. I knew this was happening the moment he got here and I've been dreading to admit it. But now, I can't seem to care that I've officially been compromised by the Winter Soldier.

"Bozhe moi."


	9. Chapter 9: Target Practice

Ivan came to me during our ballet practice and asked me to meet him in his office. He had bags under his eyes and I could see that he hasn't shaved in days. I've never been to Ivan's office, I only know it's somewhere on the 7th floor.

"That's enough for today." Madam Oksana nods, giving us permission to stop dancing. This morning Nikolay came to wake us up and announced that our schedule has been changed. Now we have breakfast, Mr. Volkov's class, ballet, weapons training with the Soldier, lunch, individual training with him, then we shower, have dinner, and finally go to bed. It's a busy day but I'm just glad I still get to train with him alone. I thought after I accepted the fact that he compromised me I would be relieved, like a weight's been lifted from my shoulders but now I feel like a thousand pounds have just been added. I have a whole new set of problems to worry about now. I've already become careless and reckless since he's got here, what if he causes me to jeopardize my chance to become the Black Widow? I can't risk something like that, but how in the world can I fix this? He's my teacher for crying out loud. He brings out the sides of me I've been hiding away for years, the good and the bad, and I can't help but feel happy that he does. I wonder if I do the same for him? If that's the case then we're definitely going to get each other killed.

As the other girls line up to head to the training room where the Soldier awaits them, I start to make my way up to Ivan's office. I'm nervous to know what he wants. Is he going to punish me for deliberately disobeying his order yesterday by not holding back in front of everyone? I can't think of any other reason why he wants to see me. I'm stuck between wanting to walk up the stairs as slow as possible so I don't have to see Ivan and wanting to race up to his office to get it over with. At the moment, I'm completely blind as to what's about to happen and I hate it.

As I reach the 7th floor, I see a long dark hallway with closed doors and a faint light coming from bulbs hanging from the ceiling. At the end of the hallway is a single door with light seeping from underneath it. I'm guessing that's his office. I walk towards the door as quietly as possible so I don't let him know I'm near.

Standing in front of the door, I wipe my hands against my pants and take a deep breath. Stay calm Natalia, don't give anything away. I softly knock on the door and push it open a little.

"Come in." Ivan breaths out as if he's having trouble breathing. Opening the door more, I find Ivan sitting behind a wooden desk looking absolutely exhausted. I quickly scan the room and find it surprisingly inviting. The room's painted white and there's a long brown leather couch up against one wall while two filing cabinets are against the opposite wall. Right in front of me is Ivan's desk stacked with papers and behind him is a window that you can see outside from. Probably the only window not boarded up. Interesting. I never noticed that while outside.

Ivan's face's set in a frown and his hair's a complete mess, probably from pulling at it so much. I wonder what has him so wound up, no doubt part of it has to do with the Soldier.

"Natalia, please sit." Ivan beckons towards the chair in front of his desk. Closing the door behind me, I take a seat and wait for Ivan to speak. "I called you up here to talk about the Winter Soldier."

I keep my face blank but in my head a thousand thoughts are running around. What does he know? Does he know I've been compromised by the Soldier? Does he not want me to train with him anymore?

"What about him, sir?" I ask calmly, adding a hint of confusion at the end to hide my worry.

"I assume the Soldier has been ordering you to use your full abilities while training with him, which is fine. But what's not fine is you disobeying my orders when I specifically told you to not fight at your full extent in front of the other girls. Now I understand the Soldier may be intimidating so I'll let this one slide, but make sure it doesn't happen again Natalia." He says sternly, leaning back in his chair and rubbing his chin. I'm surprised he's not that angry but I'm also offended. What makes him think the Soldier intimidates me? It's the complete opposite actually, but I guess that's a good thing right? I mean, him thinking I'm intimidated by the Soldier did just get me out of trouble.

"So do you want me to start holding back with the Soldier during my training?" I ask curiously, still confused on why he called me up here.

"There's no need for that, you may continue fighting with him as usual. However, me and the Soldier had a brief discussion the other day and we've both come to the conclusion you shouldn't hold back with anyone, the other girls included." Ivan explains. I don't miss the little lie he places in his story and I keep myself from rolling my eyes.

"Oh." I raise my eyebrows and act surprised. "If that's what you want, sir."

"Yes, that is what I want. You may leave now Natalia." Ivan dismisses me, sounding unsure with himself. I know that's not what he wants but frankly I don't care, because that's what _I_ want. A warm feeling's blossoming in my chest at the thought of no longer having to hold back with anyone, I get the freedom to actually fight. I'm still stuck in this place for who knows how much longer but any form of freedom I get, I'll take it.

I rise from the chair and nod to Ivan before turning around and walking towards the door. Twisting the knob, I stop when Ivan begins to speak again.

"And Natalia, " I turn around to look at him to hear what he has to say. "keep an eye on the Soldier for me. If he does anything strange or out of character I'm trusting you to tell me." He gives me a trusting smile. A pang of guilt hits me but soon vanishes when I remember all of what Ivan's doing to us. Forcing us to become assassins, killing innocent girls, brainwashing us, and who knows what else.

"Of course, sir." Oh I've got a list of strange and out of character things the Soldier has done, worthy of resulting in you wiping his mind. I smile back. Closing the door behind me, I sigh out in relief. It's a good thing I'm good at lying because I can tell I'll be doing a lot of that.

My walk back down to the training room is slow. Every second I'm not in the training room I know will aggravate the Soldier and just that thought has me grinning. Getting a reaction out of him is rare, practically impossible, but I'm willing to test my luck. Yes I know I'm playing with fire, a ticking time bomb, but that's what makes it all the more exciting. When I reach the 2nd floor I don't hear the sound of guns firing, which probably means we're using a different weapon today. I reach for the door handle that leads into the training room but before I can turn the knob it swings open.

"You're late." A gruff voice states matter-of-factly. Looking up, I see the Soldier standing in front of me with a blank expression. He then steps aside for me to walk in, not tearing his eyes away from my face for a second. Some of the girls watch and snicker to themselves while others look like they fear for my life. The Soldier closes the door behind him, then takes the knife from his belt and easily twirls it at his side almost like it's a second nature. The knife is small as it dances in his hand, it threatening to cut him but never does. It can't. Some of the girls' eyes widen and a serge of fear and curiosity courses through me. "We're using knives today."

He holds out his knife to me and I automatically take it. Without another word he turns around and walks back to the other girls. My mind goes blank as I try to comprehend what just happened. That's it? He didn't even look slightly annoyed. No clench of his jaw or shift of his eyes, nothing. See what I mean when I say impossible. Looking down at the knife I can't help but admire it. The handle is black and an oval shape, and the blade's smooth on one side with sharp teeth that can no doubt do some serious damage on the other. The knife's big in my hand compared to his, but the danger I feel while holding it doesn't falter my fascination.

After getting over my initial shock I make my way to the end of the room where Yelena waits for me with a smile.

"Thank god, I thought something happened to you and I also thought something was _about_ to happen to you." Yelena whispers to me looking over at the Soldier for a brief second. "Anyway we're suppose to try and hit the target with the knives. At least that's what I think we're suppose to be doing, he doesn't talk much."

Looking to my left I see a small table with a bunch of small daggers on it. I'm nervous because I've never thrown a knife before, fought with one yes, but never thrown one. Sticking the Soldier's knife into the waistband of my pants and covering it with my shirt, I pick up a small dagger from the table. The other girls have already started throwing their knives, but none has hit the target yet. I imagine throwing a knife's like shooting a gun. You keep your breath even, body relaxed, and you just shoot. Following those instructions I aim and throw the knife. Surprisingly the knife hits the target but it's nowhere close to the bullseye. Still, a wave of triumph fills my chest. After a few more throws I pretty much hit the target everywhere but where I want to. Rubbing my forehead in frustration, I grab another dagger from the table.

"You're thinking too much." The Soldier speaks up from behind me but not loud enough for anyone else to hear. I try not to think about how long he's been standing there and to focus on where my knife needs to go instead. "Stop thinking and just throw the knife."

"I'm trying." I explain, suddenly his presence becoming irritating. Turing around I find the Soldier with his arms crossed analyzing every move I make like a hawk.

"You're not trying hard enough." He walks away without another word. Closing my eyes to calm myself down, I turn back towards the target. But before I can throw another knife the sound of someone hitting the ground makes everyone stop what they're doing. The Soldier's kneeling on the ground, over Yulia, pressing a knife into her throat.

"You want to repeat that?" He growls through clenched teeth down at her, pressing the knife further into her throat drawing blood. Yulia shakes her head no, but the Soldier isn't going to let her off that easy. In the blink of an eye the Soldier plunges the knife into Yulia's left thigh causing her to cry out in pain. "Learn to keep your mouth shut. Go to the infirmary."

With that he stands back up and leaves her on the floor to help herself. Yulia struggles to get back on her feet, none of the girls going to help her not wanting to be at the receiving end of the Soldier's wrath. Eventually she limps out of the room leaving a trail of blood behind.

I turn my head forward and close my eyes. It's just another day in the Red Room, nothing new, I try to convince myself. I try not to wonder what she could have possibly said to get a reaction out of him like that. I look up and see him standing in front of us, blocking our view of the targets. "From this side, over, " He gestures to the right side of the room, splitting us in half. "find one of their targets and stand in front of it." He orders, nodding his head towards the left side of the room, my side. The girls reluctantly find a target and stand in front of it, no one choosing mine.

"You may continue. Try not to hit the person." Everyone snaps their heads towards him as if he were insane, which he might as well be but they know not to question him. Eventually after a couple minutes of uncertainty the knives start flying again. The room is filled with small gasps and whimpers of fear. I feel his presence behind me without even looking at him but I don't turn around. "How do you feel about throwing knives at me?"

"You trust me to throw knives at you?" I challenge him, turning around and finding him only a couple inches away. The corner of his mouth twitches in amusement and shines in his eyes. The Soldier stares at me for a moment longer and then without another word he takes his place in front of my target. I'm a little shocked he'd trust me to do something like this, even though I know he'll catch the knife before it would hit him. Looking down at the knife in my hand I find it shaking, yes I'm nervous. Taking a deep breath, I relax my body. I can feel my hands become clammy making the grip on the dagger slippery. This isn't going to end well. Without another thought I throw the knife.

The room's silent and I finally realize the other girls have stopped. My knife juts out of the target mere centimeters from the soldier's left eye.

"Again." He orders calmly. Grabbing another dagger, I let it rest comfortably in my hand and I throw it again. This time it lands next to his right shoulder. Again I grab another knife refusing to tear my eyes away from him. Not even the cries of pain in the distance makes me lose eye contact with him.

The next few throws are fairly close to him but not a single one hits him much to my relief. A couple more cries are heard but I can't bring myself to find out who they're coming from, and the Soldier doesn't seem to care either.

"That's enough for today." He dismisses us, stepping away from the target and walking towards the tray of knives closest to him. 3 girls in total have been hit and are bleeding pretty bad, and of those 3 girls, 2 got hit more than once. Thankfully none of the knives hit anything vital. I wait until almost all of the girls leave until I start walking towards the door. As I'm about to step out of the room I remember something and walk towards the soldier who's cleaning the blood from the daggers.

"Here." I hold out his knife to him waiting for him to take it. I know he gave it to me to practice my throwing, but it didn't feel right to use it for that. A knife like this isn't used for target practice, it's used for something much more deadly. He looks up at my face briefly, then down to the weapon in my hand, and finally back to the one he's currently cleaning the blood from.

"Keep it." The Soldier replies plainly and I don't expect him to say anything else. I'm not sure what to say or do so I just place it back into the waistband of my pants and walk out of the room. He never fails to surprise me. First with giving me the knife, then letting me throw knives at him, and finally letting me keep it? Sometimes I can't tell what he's thinking or why he does something and it makes me smile. He's a difficult man to figure out.

Lunch went by fairly quick which I'm thankful for. To be honest I don't really fancy lunch. I'm grateful for the extra food, but I guess because I'm not use to it since we were never allowed to have it before, I don't like it. It seems like a waste of time. The girls that got hurt are still in the infirmary and probably won't be getting out for awhile. Lena's one of the girls that got stabbed and so was Wendeliena and Milgred, as well as Yulia who the soldier stabbed earlier. That's 4 less girls that has to train with the Soldier today so that means I don't have to wait that long for my turn. But we have to sit in the dining room and wait until it _is_ our turn. Which again, much like lunch, is wasting time.

"That was so scary." Yelena whispers, leaning towards me so no one can hear us. Her hair's up in a pony tail and she's sporting a pretty nasty looking black eye. "You know, watching you throw knives at the Soldier."

"Oh, yeah I was kind of nervous to do that." I admit with a shrug. We're both sitting fairly close to the door leading out of the dining room, so I can hear the sound of hushed whispers and distant voices coming from the stairs. "I'll be right back, I have to use the bathroom."

Not giving Yelena a chance to reply, I quickly sneak out of the dining hall and follow the voices that lead upstairs. Ivan's voice is easy to recognize but the others are unfamiliar. I eventually reach the 7th floor, the same one I met with Ivan earlier, and find them walking into one of the closed rooms. Creeping towards it, I look through the crack.

"So your equipment has failed?" A voice with a strong German accent asks. I can only make out Ivan's figure so the rest of them must be on the other side of the room.

"Yes, a few girls have started regaining their memory. We had to wipe them again, the people who gave it to us said their memories would be altered permanently." Ivan's voice rises, showing he's starting to get upset. He rubs at his temple to calm himself down but the vein pulsing in his neck shows that's not really working.

"I see, we have what you want but there's obviously going to be a price." The man with the German accent replies. I'm curious to know who these people are, they sound powerful.

"Of course, anything you want?" Ivan's head snaps up, surprised they're agreeing to give them the equipment. I strain my ears to hear what's about to be said next.

"The Winter Soldier." It's silent for a moment, the tension in the air thick. I can't tell what Ivan's thinking for once, his face's blank and expressionless. "I know we gave him to you to train your precious Widows, but we just need him to do a little job for us. He won't be gone long."

Ivan crosses his arms and starts rubbing at his chin in thought. I hold my breath waiting for Ivan's reply, but I then realize something. Wait, the Soldier came from these people? Are they the ones who made him the way he is? That upsets me, but not as much as finding out that after the program's done and Ivan has his Black Widow, the Soldier might leave. It shouldn't bother me this much, it can't, but it does. I try to ignore the knife that's biting into my side and is starting to burn my skin as they continue to talk.

"Fine, but make sure he isn't gone long. He has 3 days to get your job done." Ivan looks up at them, his eyes hard with dislike. There's some clapping and laughing as their meeting finishes and Ivan cracks a smile out of courtesy. A tall man with white hair and a black suit walks up to Ivan and pulls him into a hug. The man just screams power, and charm. Two dangerous qualities to have, but very useful. He must be the one with the German accent, the one in charge I presume.

"He'll get it done in 2." The man laughs, his accent confirming what I predicted. They talk among themselves for a couple minutes, discussing the equipment and the parts for it, and when it'll be in. I get up and start to sneak away, annoyed that I didn't get to find out who these people are, when I finally over hear them from a distance as I'm already descending the stairs.

"It was good seeing you again Ivan, I wish you the best of luck with your girls." The German man laughs, and they all laugh along with him. "Hail Hydra."

These people are Hydra.

* * *

**Sorry it's taken such a long time to post the next chapter, I've been really busy. But have no fear, chapter 9 is here. Also just a little heads up for you guys, I've started making fan videos on Youtube for Nat and Bucky but honestly they aren't that good. But if you guys want to check those out that would be awesome. My channel is the same as my fanfic username. Hope you guys enjoy the chapter and please R&amp;R. 3**


	10. Chapter 10: Two Days

I've been trying to sleep for the past hour but it's hard to do that knowing Hydra will be crawling around here for the next two days. I've heard about Hydra from the other guards whispering about them and none of what I've heard is good. Every time I think about the Soldier leaving and going with them, an unsettling feeling fills my chest. I can't imagine the amount of pain they put him through, but what can I honestly do except to wait for him to come back. He's leaving tomorrow morning, before sunrise, before we wake up. But I'll be awake, I have to see him before he goes. I refuse to think about why I want to see him, not wanting to have to face the truth of my growing infatuation with him.

About 3 hours later the sound of voices and footsteps starting to descend down the stairs echoes through the building. I can feel my heart beating fast, knowing the Soldier's among them. Quietly uncuffing my wrist, I crawl out of bed, the cold floor sending shivers up my spine. Creeping towards the door, I keep my ears alert to make sure no one's coming towards the basement. As I get to the kitchen I find it empty, I suddenly realize there's no way I can see the Soldier without getting caught and I can only imagine what they'll do to me if that happens. As I'm about to turn around and go back to bed, an idea pops into my head.

When I get to the door that leads out of the kitchen, I peek out and see a group of guards crowding the door that leads out of the building. Their backs are turned to me so I use that opportunity to sneak behind them towards the staircase. Quickly but quietly, I make my way up to the 8th floor. I'm practically running by the time I get to the 6th floor, knowing full well no one's up here. As I get to the 8th floor, I hurry down the hall to the door that leads to the roof. Pushing the door open, I ignore the cold that hits my face and race to the edge of the building afraid that he'll already be gone. Peering over the ledge, I can barley tell who anyone is. There are so many officers, all of the Red Room officers and I can tell by the different uniforms that there are Hydra officers down there too. Ivan's somewhere among them but I can't make him out. But obviously the Soldier stands out, with his metal arm glinting in the moonlight, he's hard to miss. Two black vans are lined up being filled with supplies they'll probably need on their journey to wherever they're going. The Hydra men that were here earlier are down there too. The man I saw yesterday that seemed like the leader, has his hand on the Soldier's shoulder as if he owned him. Like he's their property and the Soldier just stands there and listens to what Ivan's telling him.

Soon enough the sound of engines starting fills the air, indicating they're about to leave. Men start to pile into the trucks, some guiding the Soldier towards the vehicle like he's a dangerous animal. Which to most, he is. He's about to get into one of the trucks, when he stops. Turning around he looks up, straight at me and I stare back at him. He's trying to tell me something and it physically hurts me to say I can't tell what it is. With one last moment of staring at each other, he turns around to not attract any attention and gets into the van. As the Soldier and Hydra disappear out of view, I straighten up and walk back inside. Eventually I don't even realize I'm back in bed, handcuffed. The building feels strangely colder now.

Before I drift off to sleep, I realize how pathetic I'm being. I'm acting as if my husband has just gone off to war. He's not going to be around forever Natalia, get your act together. I need to stop acting so weak and helpless. Like I can't live without him, I've survived this long. I can make it 2 days.

When I wake up, it's along with the other girls. I didn't wake up a couple hours earlier to train and Yelena didn't wake me up to train with her either, in a way I'm sort of thankful. I can't remember the last time I actually slept this long. Since the Soldier isn't here, our schedules will probably be changed. We'll most likely have longer hours with Madam Oksana and Mr. Volkov.

We all head to the washroom together, not saying a word. As we all brush our teeth I over hear some girls whispering from the other side of the room.

"Can you believe what the Soldier did to Yulia yesterday because of what she said about Natalia?" Windeliena whispers to Milgred and Pouline. Some girls stop what they're doing to listen in while I pretend to not pay attention. I glance over at Yulia to see her pretending to not pay attention as well, but by the way she's rubbing at her injured leg gives it away that she is.

"What did she say?" Pouline asks, leaning in to listen along with half of the other girls in the room.

"Something about Natalia getting special treatment from Ivan and the Soldier. Yulia also said something about her sleeping around as well, but I don't know exactly what she said." Windeliena explains, going back to brushing her teeth. By that point I tune out what they're saying. A part of me doesn't believe her, but why would Windeliena lie and Yulia isn't saying otherwise either. The thing is, that doesn't sound like something the Soldier would do but like I've said before, he's unpredictable.

Some of the girls wonder where the Soldier is and I don't feel inclined to share that information and also the fact that they'll probably ask questions as to how I know, further confirming what they think is going on with me and the Soldier. As we're escorted to the training room Ivan explains to us that the Soldier's been called out to a mission for the next couple days and that we'll be trained by someone else until then. Now this is news to me. Hearing that we're getting a new trainer leaves an unsettling feeling in my stomach. As we wait in the training room for our new instructor, I wonder where the Soldier is now but quickly discard that thought. I shouldn't be thinking about that.

"Ladies, this is Alexi Shostakov. The KGB provided him to us for the time being, he'll be training you for the next 2 days." Ivan informs us, he then steps aside to give way to our new trainer. Alexi Shostakov's a man a little more than 6 foot, probably in his early 20s, has red hair, and blue eyes. But not as blue as the Soldier's. He's wearing an all dark grey military uniform, typically what the KGB officers wear with a few medals pinned to his chest. He has a smug look on his face that immediately makes me dislike him. Smugness is an ugly look on a person, and he's no different. Some girls, of course, straighten up immediately attracted to the man. He holds himself with so much cockiness that he doesn't even hide and it's already getting on my nerves. This man even has the decency to look some of the girls up and down with a smirk. Now I'm excited to have the chance to fight him. He holds himself with absolutely no professionalism, something that I know the Soldier keeps in mind.

Ivan soon exits the room, leaving us with our new instructor. When the training room door closes a look of nervousness and panic flashes before Alexi's face but quickly vanishes. Probably because of the fact that he's never been faced with a bunch of teenage girls/soon-to-be assassins. Alexi opens his mouth to say something but soon closes it, not knowing what to say. I try my hardest not to roll my eyes, where did they find this guy?

"You, " He points to Yelena. "on the mat." He orders her. Yelena calmly walks to the center of the mat waiting for further instructions. Without warning he charges at her, luckily Yelena's quick to react. She blocks all of his punches and within a couple minutes she has him pinned to the mat. "Alright, maladez (well done)." He dismisses her, his tone showing a hint of embarrassment.

Alexi calls up a couple more girls and they all end up pinning him down to the mat. By this point his ego is practically shattered. Eventually it's my turn and I have to try my hardest to hold back my grin as I walk to the mat. Each time he's been the first to attack so I expect nothing different from him. Like I predicted he throws the first punch. Taking a step back, he barely grazes my cheek. Alexi smirks to himself, thinking he may actually have a chance at winning. He then spins around and kicks his leg up to connect with my head, this time I catch it. The smirk on his face quickly disappears as I throw him onto the floor. Alexi looks up at me with a glare as I stand back to give him room to stand up, I'm not quite done with him yet. When he gets to his feet I decide to make the first move. Running towards him, I drop to the floor, sliding between his legs so I'm behind him. Quickly getting to my feet, I climb onto his right shoulder so my thighs are wrapped around his head and throw myself towards the floor. Squeezing my thighs together, I start to choke him. Alexi begins clawing at my legs and leaving red lines, begging me to let him go. Satisfied, I unwrap my legs from around his neck and get up, walking back towards the girls.

"That's enough for today." Alexi coughs out while he struggles to get up. On our way to the training room door, Ivan opens it and steps in. We all walk out of the room in a single file, passing Ivan.

"You're done already?" He looks at Alexi in confusion. When he notices the state Alexi's in, he shakes his head and follows us out. As we're on our way to Madam Oksana, I notice some men in all black military uniforms. The Red Room officer's uniforms are dark grey and red, so I know they aren't from the Red Room or the KGB. The insignia on the shoulders of their uniform is what catches my eye. It's a black and red skull with tentacles coming out of it. Hydra. They must be here to bring in the new equipment. My prediction is proven correct when I see them walking up the stairs carrying an advanced looking computer. More Hydra officers come up the stairs holding more equipment and head up to the 4th floor. My curiosity has me wanting to go up there but the fact that there are three times as many officers crawling around here has me thinking twice.

When we get to the ballet studio, Madam Oksana's waiting for us. We all get our shoes on and wait for her to speak.

"You all have a very important event coming up." She begins. "In a week, you will perform for some officers that are from the head of the KGB. You must be ready until then, or else you'll not continue in the program." Madam Oksana finishes. She then proceeds to instruct us in our routine. Surprisingly she teaches us some new moves and choreographs it so it's a group performance instead of an individual one. I'm so caught up in the dance that I don't realize Alexi has entered the room, until we hear him give a low whistle. Madam Oksana then orders us to immediately stop. She calmly walks towards him, but the vein pulsing in her neck makes it clear she's anything but calm.

"Who are you?" She asks Alexi, crossing her arms. Alexi is leaning up against the wall next to the door, smirking at her.

"Alexi, I'm the girl's new trainer." He answers smugly. I have the sudden urge to mention to him that he's only our temporary instructor, but decide against it.

"That's a lovely name." She smiles at him kindly. "Now get out." Her tone is so stern and intimidating, he turns and leaves the room without another word. Madam Oksana then turns around and ushers us to continue dancing.

All too quickly it's time for lunch. When we exit the ballet studio I find Nikolay and Alexi talking and laughing together. Makes sense they would both get along, they're very similar. As I eat lunch, I find myself glancing at the front of the dining hall repeatedly, expecting the Soldier to be there. I'm pathetic.

All throughout Mr. Volkov's class he's been stumbling around and slurring his words as he reads us lines from Romeo and Juliet. But the cause of that's pretty obvious when I notice the empty bottle of vodka on the floor peeking out from behind his desk. Eventually he isn't even reading from the story anymore and is just saying a bunch of nonsense. If the Red Room can get a replacement trainer, why can't they get a replacement teacher? This is ridiculous.

My mind drifts to the performance we have to present to the head of the KGB in a week, but why do we have to do that? The KGB isn't really that involved with the Red Room. Do they want to be more involved in the Black Widow program now? I'm not sure, but I definitely have a bad feeling about this.

The rest of the day goes by fairly quickly and I'm now right back where I started, in bed trying to fall asleep. For the millionth time I find myself thinking about the Soldier. I'm not worried about if his mission will be a success, even though there's no doubt it will. It's Hydra I'm worried about. What if they do something to him? Like wipe his memories or take him away for good. But maybe that'd be for the best, he's compromised me enough already. As I think of it further, I immediately discard the thought. No, I need him to be here. For my training of course.

The sound of Ivan yelling wakes me up. Again I sleep in longer than I usually do, I can't make this a habit. Nikolay then walks into the basement, banging on the wall to wake the other girls up. The sound of Ivan yelling continues. Getting up from the bed, we all head to the washroom. On the way there, we pass the door that leads outside and I see Hydra officers still bringing in equipment. Ivan's standing by the door shouting orders for them to be careful with the new machines and the Hydra officers look like they want to kill him. My biggest fear at this point is that a huge fight will start between the Red Room and Hydra, which will end in a lot of blood.

When we get to the washroom Nikolay tells us that we'll start the day with Madam Oksana and finish the day with Alexi. Knowing this is Alexi's last day here makes me sigh in relief, he's definitely not Red Room material. I wonder why the KGB recommended him to train us, the KGB has plenty trainers that would be much better than Alexi but they gave us him. They probably don't want to waste good instructors on us.

As we eat breakfast me and Yelena start talking about our training from yesterday and we can't help but laugh. I'd say we were in the training room with Alexi for a total of 20 minutes, it took 20 minutes to completely humiliate him. As me and Yelena are laughing and joking around, I realize that no matter how much I deny it, we're friends and I like it. It's been so long since I've had a friend that I forgot how nice it is to have one.

"The look on his face was priceless." Yelena whispers under her breath so the officers don't hear her. She presses her hand to her mouth to stifle her laugh, while wiping the tears that are threatening to spill with the other. Biting my lip, I try not to laugh as well. Some girls look at us curiously and I try to stop laughing, but that just makes me want to laugh even more. "He thought he actually had a chance at beating you. Did you see his face, he looked so confident" She wheezes out, clutching her side in pain. I'm no better, I can barely breathe.

"And he looked so positive he would beat you when he called you up first." I told her, remembering that smug look on his face when Yelena first stood in front of him. We continue to try and hold back our laughter, until Ivan walks into the room to take us to Madame Oksana. I'm sure my face is a bright red by this point and I pray no one notices.

When we get to the ballet studio, Alexi's there once again standing next to a very irritated looking Madam Oksana. He's obnoxiously chewing on a piece of gum, blowing bubbles that Madam Oksana flinches to every time it pops. Me and Yelena give each other amused looks here and there as we get ready. When the music begins to play, we start to dance. Throughout the routine the sound of popping gum would echo over the music. I can see how Madam Oksana's trying to keep her anger in check but she's on the brink of snapping. A few minutes later the music abruptly stops. Some of the girls fall over, startled by the sudden halt of the music. Madam Oksana would normally scold us if we fell, but her eyes are fixed on Alexi instead. She starts taking slow strides towards him, her fists clenching at her sides. Alexi seems to not notice anything because he keeps on chewing his gum and staring off into space. Finally Madam Oksana is standing in front of him, not tearing her eyes away from the gum in his mouth. After a couple seconds, Alexi looks down startled to find the furious ballet teacher in front of him.

"What?" He askes, confused. He then makes the mistake of popping his gum again. Madam Oksana pulls her fist back and connects it with his nose. Blood immediately starts to pour from his nose and some snickers echo through the room. Holding his bleeding nose, Alexi rushes out leaving drops of blood behind him. Madam Oksana then straightens her dress and brushes back the strands of hair that have loosened from her bun. Turning around, she turns the music back on and we begin dancing again. Right at this moment Madam Oksana just became my favorite person. I can't wait for Alexi to leave, the only person who seems to actually like him is Nikolay, oh and Pouline who hasn't stopped ogling him since he's got here.

Again Mr. Volkov reads Romeo and Juliet to us, but this time he isn't drunk. But he does have a black eye and a busted lip. I'm not sure why he looks like that or who did that to him, but I don't question if he deserved it or not. Class's almost finished and I'm dreading having to go to the training room. As we walk to the training room Yelena falls back and starts walking next to me. I don't worry about it because Ivan's nowhere in sight. He's really the only one I'm worried about finding out about me and Yelena being friends. He expects better from me.

When we walk into the training room Alexi's standing on the mat, his nose clean of blood, looking more determined and confident about today's training session. His eyes are fixed on Yelena.

"On the mat." He orders her, stepping aside. Yelena makes her way to the training mat, making sure to take her sweet time. When she's finally standing in front of Alexi, he starts circling her like a vulture. "Get in a fighting position." Yelena immediately obeys, waiting for further instruction. Alexi's eyes travel up and down the back of Yelena, a smirk tugging at his lips. Even though most of the girls don't like Yelena, they look ready to kill Alexi. Well except Pouline, who looks like she's about to kill Yelena for peaking the interest of her man. "See this is the problem all of you have, a poor fighting stance."

There's absolutely nothing wrong with her fighting stance. He then instructs us to find a punching bag and to practice our punches and our fighting positions. I stand all the way at the back of the room at the last punching bag next to Yelena, who can't stop cursing Alexi under her breath. One after the other, Alexi goes down the line "helping" each girl with their posture by running his hands up and down their body. The only person who seems to be okay with it and who actually enjoys it is Pouline. I can't wait until Alexi gets to me, so I can knock his teeth out. Finally he strides up to Yelena, who has her fist balled up at her sides.

"Oh, come on. Don't be shy around me." Alexi reaches down and grabs both of her hands, raising them up to meet the punching bag. Something flashes in Yelena's eyes and she jerks her elbow back, then moves it forward so her fist connects with the punching bag.

"Like that?" She asks sweetly, turning her head to look back at him. Alexi hunches over, clutching his stomach in pain.

"Yeah, just like that." He gives her a weak smile. A grin makes its way to my face as Yelena flashes me a smirk. It takes a couple minutes for Alexi to get himself together and move on to me. "Looking good, but you're putting too much tension here." Alexi comments, placing his hand on my stomach. My mind flashes back to when the Soldier did something like that, except the feeling isn't the same, this feels wrong. Right now I feel like kicking this guy where the sun doesn't shine. I release some tension in my stomach, hoping that'll get his filthy hands off of me but sadly that doesn't happen. Instead he steps even closer. Closing my eyes to control my anger, I don't notice the training room go quiet. All I can pay attention to is Alexi's other hand that's snaking its way around my hip, not the sound of footsteps heading towards us. Right then I feel like throwing up as he squeezes my side. I'm about to spin around and punch him in his mouth when the sound of someone clearing their throat makes me snap my eyes open. Alexi rips his hands away from me, causing most of my anger to subside but not enough for it to completely disappear as his body moves away from mine. I'm afraid to turn around and see who it is, afraid it's Ivan.

"Who the hell are you?" Alexi spits out at the person behind me. When the person finally speaks I come to the conclusion that I much rather it have been Ivan.

"I think I should be asking you that question." The Soldier replies in a smooth, deep tone. Slowly turning around, I find the Soldier in his usual uniform except for a black jacket that's covering his metal arm. Explains how Alexi doesn't know who he is. The Soldier doesn't look angry, instead he looks calm which scares me.

"I'm the girl's new trainer." Alexi replies smugly, crossing his arms. The Soldier snaps his eyes towards me, a look of annoyance and confusion displayed in his eyes. I can't hold back the smile that grows on my face as the Soldier looks back at Alexi, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh really?" The Soldier challenges him, still looking calm. The room's dead silent, tension building in the air with each passing second. No one dares to make a single noise, even the few officers standing at the door of the training room refuse to come and break up whatever's going on here.

"Yeah, so are you going to answer my question?" Alexi steps closer to the Soldier, uncrossing his arms. Out of nowhere, the Soldier grabs Alexi by the neck and holds him up in the air. The sleeve to the Soldier's jacket rides up revealing his metal hand and forearm. When Alexi looks down and notices it, his eyes widen in realization.

"I don't think I have to." The Soldier says through clenched teeth, his calm exterior slowly crumbling.

"Soldier, stand down." Ivan speaks up from somewhere in the distance. Officers are now surrounding him, guns drawn. After a few moments, the Soldier drops Alexi to the floor, stepping back. Some officers lower their weapons, while others keep them aimed at the Soldier.

"I want him out of my training room." The Soldier tells Ivan, he then turns around and glances at me for a brief second then leaves without another word. Looking down at Alexi, I find him still laying on the floor coughing.

"That's enough for today. Nikolay, take them to the dining hall for dinner." Ivan rubs his eyes in exhaustion. As we make our way to the dining hall I notice how the building feels much warmer now, probably because of the fact that the Soldier's back. I need to find him, I'm not sure what I'm going to say but all I know is that I just need to talk to him.

"I'm not feeling so well." I tell Yelena, she doesn't question where I'm going or to see if I need help, instead she just nods almost like she knows exactly what I'm about to do. As the rest of the girls descend down the stairs out of sight, I head up towards the 4th floor. My heart's beating a million miles an hour, and I know this isn't a good idea but nothing's going to change my mind. Not Nikolay, not the officers, and especially not Ivan. I'm going to see the Soldier and no way in hell is anyone going to stop me.

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**Taa daa! Chapter 10. Hope you all enjoy it. Please R&amp;R!**


	11. Chapter 11: Interrogation

I step onto the 4th floor that's filled with the sounds of soft humming coming from the machines. Glancing at the room where they probably have the brainwashing equipment, the room where they wiped Velina, I fight the urge to go in there and instead continue up the stairs. As I reach the 5th floor, I fight the urge to go into the filing room too. I have to remember what I'm risking my life coming up here for. Just the thought that at any moment I could be caught, sends a wave of excitement through my veins. The sound of my heart beating in my ears as I take each step further up the stairs is the only thing I try to pay attention to. I'm not entirely sure which floor the Soldier's on but I'm hoping he's either on the 6th or 7th. I'm really testing my luck coming up here, especially since I have no idea where I'm going.

When I reach the 6th floor, I look around and find a room down the hallway with light seeping from the crack under the door. Cautiously, I make my way towards it. That's either his room or it's not and if it isn't, I don't want to think about what'll happen. We're strictly forbidden from going past the 3rd floor and I've done so too many times already.

As I slowly approach the door, taking deep breaths to calm my racing heart, I immediately stop in my tracks and snap my head to the right of me. My blood runs cold for a second as I stare at the tall dark figure next to me, trying to figure out who it is. A million thoughts run through my head as I try to make out the person's face, but I let out a sigh of relief when I recognize them. Standing there is the Soldier, leaning against the wall almost like he's been waiting for me. Carefully pushing himself off the wall, he walks over to the room he's standing next to and opens the door. Stepping aside, the Soldier makes way for me to walk in first. I'm putting way too much trust in this man, I think as I step into his room. The sound of the door closing behind me makes me glance back to find the Soldier leaning against the door, staring at me. It's a thoughtful look, not like the one where it feels like he knows everything about me, but like he's trying to figure me out. And that makes me feel better knowing that he doesn't know _everything_ about me. I mean obviously he doesn't know my full name or my history, at least I hope not, but those things don't define someone. It's the way you act and think, that's what shows people who you really are and so far he knows way too much about me. Him knowing I was going to come up here being an example.

I don't know what to do except to look back at him, wishing I could tell what he's thinking. All of a sudden I feel self-conscious, briefly peering down I look at what I'm wearing. A black pair of pants and a white and black shirt, glancing up at the Soldier I see him still in his uniform with his black jacket. Since he's got here I've always tried to deny any sort of compromising feelings towards him, and _still _I don't know what I feel towards the Soldier. But what I do know is that it could potentially get me killed. It's hard to convince myself that I don't find the Soldier attractive, he has this incognizant handsomeness about him even though he smells like gunpowder and has dirt and blood smeared across his face. I feel like changing my clothes.

"You shouldn't be up here." The Soldier finally speaks up, his eyes not once leaving mine. The room's dark except for the light seeping in from the boarded up window that's on the wall behind me. The light washes over the Soldier, illuminating his face. Glancing down at his left hand, I notice how the moonlight hits it making light bounce around the room, making everything more visible. His room's plain, nothing of personal value that I can see. Just a bed, dresser, nightstand, and a window. There isn't even a mirror. He could leave if he wanted to, boarded up windows won't be able to stop him. I wonder if he knows that.

"I know, I just-" I begin, not sure what to say. Looking me over once more, the Soldier starts walking towards the dresser that's next to the window, his right shoulder brushing against mine. Following his figure, I watch as he takes his jacket off and drops it into a pile of clothes that's already on the floor.

"I had to break into a U.S. weapons facility in Latvia and take out 3 engineers that were planning an attack on a Hydra base." The Soldier begins, taking out a towel and some clothes from in the dresser and turning around to face me. It's strange hearing him say so many things at once, but I like it. He slings the towel over his shoulder and watches me, waiting to see if I'd say something. But I don't, instead I let him continue. "There were a lot more guards in the building than I initially thought, but I took care of them" The Soldier finishes making his way to the door. Is that why I came up here, to find out how his mission went? I feel relieved knowing nothing bad happened to him, but I can't shake the feeling that I came up here for another reason.

"You should leave before someone else finds you." The Soldier says quietly, opening the door for me to leave. I'm not sure what else I expected. For us to have this grand reunion seems ridiculous, pathetic even but now I feel foolish. Maybe I shouldn't have come up here at all. I don't feel offended or insulted because I know he's right, I shouldn't be up here. But I am, and I don't want to leave, at least not yet. At this point I'm not sure what to do or say, I'm a complete mess and I hate how he can just break me down into some shy girl without even blinking an eyelash. Lightly nodding my head in understanding, I begin to leave. As I pass next to the Soldier I look up at his face and I still can't tell what he's thinking. Now that I'm so close to him, I can finally see him more clearly. The Soldier still hasn't shaved making him look a lot older, he has bags under his eyes, and his mouth never seems to relax. Like it's in a permanent frown. I immediately feel ashamed, he just came back from a mission, he probably doesn't want to have to deal with a stupidly curious teenage girl. Snapping my eyes to the ground, I quickly make my way out of his room feeling embarrassed.

"Natalia," The Soldier speaks up all of a sudden, letting out an exhausted sigh. Turning around, I watch as he pinches the bridge of his nose. "meet me on the roof." And with that he walks pass me towards the stairs, descending down them out of sight. Standing there for a second, I smile to myself. Again, I can't tell what I'm feeling, I know it's wrong but at this point I don't care. I try to walk at a normal pace to the roof, eventually finding myself walking faster and faster. By the time I reach the door that leads out of the building and onto the roof I'm out of breath. Slowing down, I walk over to the edge of the building. I sit down and dangle my feet over the ledge trying to catch my breath. The cold Russian air hugs my face, cooling my cheeks and making tears form in my eyes. I've always rolled my eyes at the girls when they'd talk about boys and how some of the officers are cute, but here I am being that way towards my instructor. I hate myself for it, I don't have time to have feelings for someone, someone that can kill me with the flick of his wrist. Someone that's a living breathing weapon, someone that has successfully compromised me in just a couple days. My mind's a jumbled mess and I feel like I have no room to breathe. All my life I've always wanted one thing and that was to be the Black Widow, but now it seems like I want more than that. I want something that's next to impossible to have, happiness. I thought my happiness would be to leave the Red Room, but it seems I may have found my happiness _in_ the Red Room. How convenient.

The soft close of the roof door from behind me brings me out of my thoughts, making me shift my weight in anticipation. The Soldier's footsteps move in time with the loud beating of my heart, making goosebumps rise on my arms as he gets closer. Taking a seat next to me, I find him freshly showered and his face cleanly shaved making me want to run my hand over his cheek. Shut up Natalia. He's also not wearing his uniform, instead he has on black sweatpants and a white t-shirt. It's a strange sight to see him in normal clothes but refreshing nonetheless. The Soldier holds something out towards me and I look down to see a bowl of dumplings. Remembering that I decided to skip dinner to find the Soldier, I pick one up.

"So tell me about this new instructor." The Soldier speaks up, not once turning to look at me. I can sense a touch of humor in his tone that makes some of my nerves subside.

"He's a KGB officer that was suppose to take your place until you came back." I speak clearly, grateful that my emotions aren't evident in my voice. I take another dumpling, watching to see if the Soldier's blank expression'll change. It doesn't. I can slowly feel the thick tension in the air reside as we speak which makes me feel more comfortable. "He wasn't very good." That makes the corner of the Soldier's mouth turn up. Seeing him without his stuble and on the verge of smiling already makes him look younger. But his mouth slowly goes back into a frown and he clears his throat.

"It's getting late, you should head back downstairs before someone notices you're gone." The Soldier says dryly. This time as he dismisses me, I don't question him or myself. I'm still not sure why I wanted to see him but I feel content with what's happened so far. Standing up, I make my way to the door. I slow down a bit as I reach the entrance and look back at him. The Soldier's silhouette stands out as the city lights illuminate in front of him, making the left side of his face visible and his metal arm shine with all different colors. It's honestly a sight to see, like a work of art.

The whole way down to the basement, all I can think about are the different colors that glowed across the Soldier's arm. It's a weapon, a beautiful weapon and for some reason seeing those different colored lights made it seem even more dangerous. Soft pinks, yellows, oranges, and purples sit comfortably against the cold metal of that arm and hand. That hand that has probably killed numbers of people, that hand that has pulled numerous triggers, and that hand that despite all of that still seems to be capable of giving the softest of touches.

All too fast I reach downstairs and in my bed. I don't bother taking a shower because I'm way too tired. Cuffing my wrist to the bedpost, I make up my mind that I want to give the Soldier his file soon. I'm not sure when but definitely soon, he deserves that much. Right before I'm about to fall asleep I finally realize why I had to see the Soldier. The reason I had to see him was because there _wasn't_ a reason, I just wanted to see him for no reason. What has gotten into me? I risk punishment and death just because I couldn't wait until tomorrow to see him? My walls are crumbling and my morals are drastically starting to change, what the hell am I going to do?

Something's going to happen today. Maybe it's because of the tension in the air or the way the officers are surveying us, but I can feel something coming and it's making me uneasy. All throughout Madam Oksana's lesson, officers have been coming in and out of the room to watch us. Madam Oksana looked ready to murder all of them. Mr. Volkov's class was no different. They didn't regard us or say anything, just observed us like test animals.

"What do you think's going on?" Yelena asks as we make our way to the dining hall, I don't answer her. She seems like the only other girl to notice the change in the officers behavior. As we turn the corner into the dining hall, Ivan, the Soldier, and about 20 officers stand waiting for us. When we sit Ivan begins to speak.

"Throughout the rest of the day you will be escorted by an officer that will take you up to the 4th floor to be questioned. There's nothing to worry about, none of you are in trouble or getting punished. We just have some questions we'd like to ask you." Ivan finishes, he then makes his way to the door that leads out of the dining room followed by the Soldier and a few officers. "Velina." Ivan calls out right before he exits the room.

Velina quickly gets up and follows them out. Unlike the day after she got wiped, Velina's slowly been getting back to her normal self. She still has that distant look in her eyes from time to time, but other than that it's like it never happened. I wonder what they want to question us about. I keep racking my brain, trying to think but all I can come up with is our parents. Maybe more of the girls have been remembering and they want to question us to see how many more are starting to regain their memories too. The Red Room for years have convinced us that what they're doing is for our own good and for the good of our country, and in exchange we mustn't hide anything from them.

We begin to eat but I quickly lose my appetite just thinking about what they might be doing to Velina upstairs. The Soldier's face doesn't give anything away so I can't tell if I should even be worried. They could just be questioning us on how we think we've progressed, but that's highly unlikely. It doesn't matter what we think, it's what the Red Room thinks.

Lunch slowly passes and Velina still hasn't returned. What could they possibly be asking her? As we're escorted to the training room, a loud crash is heard from upstairs. Everyone stops and holds their breath, listening to find out what'll happen next. Loud shuffling and shouting can be heard for the next couple minutes, then nothing. All of sudden you can hear footsteps coming down the staircase. Just as whoever's about to come into view, we're ushered into the training room by Nikolay. Nikolay explains to us that we'll be pairing up and sparring for the time being while one by one we're called up to the 4th floor. About 12 officers stand surrounding us in the training room and they haven't moved since we got here, like we're some kind of threat to them. Which in a way we are, but they've never acted this way around us before. Me and Yelena go to the back of the room and start fighting. She really has improved since the Soldier got here and our extra training has been helping her as well. She's still a little slow but she's using her size against me which'll give her the upper hand when she goes against a larger opponent. Just as I'm about to catch the punch Yelena's about to give me, the training room door opens to reveal the officer who punished me a couple days ago.

"Windeliena." When the officer calls her name his eyes briefly snaps towards mine, giving me a smirk. Turning my attention back to Yelena, I drop to the floor and knock her feet out from under her. After Windeliena leaves I expect Velina to walk into the training room soon after, but she doesn't. Some of the girls look at the door then to each other in confusion, wondering where she is.

As our training continues, more girls leave but don't coming back. Now all who's left is me, Yelena, Milgred, and Lena. All 4 of us are beyond suspicious but we don't dare question what's happening. Another officer walks in and calls Lena to follow him. She turns to look at us, then follows the officer out of the room leaving Milgred without a partner. Nikolay instructs her to just sit and wait for her turn.

"Do you think they're killing them?" Yelena whispers to me, sending a soft blow to my side. Just when she's about to pull her fist away, I grab it and twist it behind her back.

"I don't know what they're doing." I reply honestly. Milgred's then escorted to the 4th floor leaving me and Yelena to be the last ones left. We've been training for the past 2 hours and I'm exhausted. Not from sparring, just from pretty much everything else. Sitting down, I don't look at the officers or Nikolay for permission to stop. No on says anything so Yelena takes a seat as well. We don't speak, I don't think anyone really wants to. Could they really be killing all of us? After all the hard work Ivan's done over the years? Surely they won't, they can't, but it's been hard to predict anything in the Red Room lately.

"Natalia." A voice calls from the front of the training room. Snapping my head towards the sound, I see an officer who's name I don't care to remember. Looking over at Yelena for a moment, she gives me a reassuring smile, and I stand up.

"Good luck." She whispers as I walk towards the officer that's impatiently waiting for me. I follow behind him up the stairs to the 4th floor where a line of about 5 officers are waiting in front of the room with the equipment. The sound of soft whispering is heard from the other side of the door but instead of going into that room we walk into the one next to it. As soon as the door opens I find Ivan sitting at a small table, his back turned towards the door.

"Natalia, please sit." Ivan says without turning around. Walking around the table I sit across from him. Ivan sits stroking his chin and looking down at a pile of papers, my file. I try my hardest to not look down at it and instead focus on his face. The bags under his eyes are more prominent, his hair's a mess, and his eyes are red from not getting enough sleep. I know I should hate him, considering everything he's done to us and is doing to us, but I can't help but feel sympathy for him. He did raise me. "I just have some questions for you, nothing to worry about. All you have to do is tell me the truth." He gives me a smile. That may be a problem.

Ivan flips through a few papers, reading them attentively. Instead of looking down at the papers, I inspect the room. The room's painted a dark grey color and unlike the other rooms in the building, there aren't any windows. There's a single light bulb hanging over the table making the room look more eerie than it actually is.

"Have you been remembering anything from your past, Natalia?" Ivan asks me the first question. He looks up at me, studying my face to see if I'll lie.

"No, all I remember is that my parents died in a fire and they were from Russia." I answer clearly, Ivan nods in approval of my answer and looks back down at the papers. I can practically hear my heart beating in my ears as I wait for him to ask the next question.

"Good. Do you feel as though you have almost been compromised or you're being compromised now?" Ivan looks up at me, his eyes telling me to trust him and tell him the truth. A couple weeks ago that would have been a lot easier to do.

"No, I'm still effective." I reply, putting on my best poker face. Ivan stares at me for another moment, making my heart skip a beat thinking he doesn't believe me. Then he gives me a smile, pleased with my answer once again.

"One more question. Is there anything you've noticed about the officers, the nurse, chef, the girls," Ivan pauses, "the Soldier, that I need to know about?" he leans back in his chair, waiting for me to speak. Waiting for me to spill everything I know about the Soldier to him.

"No, nothing I've noticed." Holding my breath, I wait for Ivan's reaction. He lets out a disappointed sigh and stands up. For a moment I think he's disappointed because he knows I'm lying, but then I realize he's probably upset because none of the girls have ratted on him. They must be more scared of the Soldier than Ivan, which they should be.

"Thank you Natalia, please wait outside." Ivan dismisses me. Standing up, I make my way to the door and open it. As I step out, 4 officers and a short man with a white lab coat walks into the room. The door closes and hushed whispers can be heard from the other side of the door. Looking around the hallway I don't see anyone, so I press my ear to the door.

"We don't need to wipe Natalia." Ivan tells the men in the room. He sounds proud, he thinks I'm telling the truth, he thinks he knows me. He always has.

"Sir, she could be lying for all we know. She _is_ the best out of all the other girls." Someone says to Ivan but I can't tell who's speaking. It's quiet for a moment and I imagine Ivan fuming at who ever spoke.

"Are you saying that I'm wrong." Ivan raises his voice in anger.

"No no, I'm just saying we should be certain. What harm will it do to wipe her, just in case she _is_ lying." The man speaks again, quickly defending his point. Ivan doesn't say anything for a while.

"You're right, we'll wipe her." Ivan agrees with a sigh. The sound of them heading towards the door makes me take a good couple steps back so it doesn't look like I've been eavesdropping. "Natalia, please follow me."

I should run, leave, get as faraway from them as possible, but there are at least 25 officers in this entire building, I can't take on all of them. They'll just drag me back here, or kill me. I follow Ivan into the room next door where the machines that will take away my memories waits for me. The machines that'll make me forget all that I've learned about my parents, that will make me forget my friendship with Yelena, and that will make me forget the Soldier. Maybe this'll be for the best, I won't be compromised but if the Soldier compromised me before he could do it again. When we walk into the room, I find a room full of 9 officers and the Soldier. I immediately catch the Soldier's attention and he stares at me in surprise that no one else seems to notice. He's standing next to the chair that Ivan begins leading me towards. I take in as much of the Soldier's face as possible before they make me forget everything that has happened in the past few days. I might not see him the same way I see him now, like he's an actual human being not a weapon. Ivan guides me into the chair, then walks to the corner of the room where a more advanced looking computer comes to life. It displays a heart monitor and other functions that track my vitals, blood pressure, and brain activity. I try to relax into the chair but it's hard to do that when the underlying fact that this exact machine will take my memories from me. The chair's uncomfortably soft and cushiony. As if it's trying to convince me that everything'll be alright, that they're just going to brainwash me, no big deal.

"Strap her in." Ivan orders the Soldier. I watch as he leans forward and straps my hands down, going much slower than necessary. He looks at me for a moment, not trying to tell me anything, just staring at me. Something suddenly shifts in his eyes, the Soldier then goes down on his right knee and straps my feet down tightly. "Stay close in case she breaks free."

"Her vitals are stable." The short man with the lab coat goes on to state. The same man that convinced Ivan to wipe me and I realize he was the same man that was outside of the training room with the blue liquid when the Soldier first started to train us.

Ivan types a couple things on the computer that I don't care to pay attention to, instead I continue watching the Soldier finish up tying my feet down. Leaning my head back, I close my eyes and try to calm my heart. I suddenly feel tears burning behind my eyes and I squeeze them shut as much as I can so they won't fall. I can't let them see me cry, I can't let them see me weak.

"I'm sure you understand why we have to do this Natalia." I hear Ivan reassure me in a sincere tone. But I don't care how sincere he feels, this is wrong. Opening my eyes, I find him standing right in front of me. As I hear the machine hum to life, I don't dare tear my eyes away from him. His voice may sound sympathetic, but he sure doesn't look like it. I've been able to read Ivan like a book since I can remember, and right now he doesn't even seem bothered by what's about to happen. The only reason he got upset with the man in the lab coat was because Ivan thought he was contradicting him, not because he wanted me to keep my memory, not because he cared about me. Well I don't want him to care about me, if anything the man in the lab coat was right. They can't take any chances, this is for the best. In a couple minutes I won't remember anything, I won't have anymore distractions. No more Yelena, no more going against orders, no more sneaking around, and no more Winter Soldier. Thinking about the last one leaves a sick feeling in my stomach, but I know it's for the best. Right?

The Soldier stands next to Ivan, his face blank, but his eyes are anything but. Like time and time again, I can't tell how he feels about this whole thing and in a way I'm glad. Because if I could it may change my mind about this whole thing, he may make me want to remember him. Again I catch myself lying, I know deep down I want to remember everything, I want to remember him. But what can I honestly do now?

The chair I'm sitting in starts to recline back and a helmet's placed over my head that goes down to cover my eyes. I want to close my eyes but the blue lights coming from inside the helmet are absolutely mesmerizing. My heart starts to beat faster and my chest begins to tighten, making it hard to breathe. For a second I feel excited, not knowing what to expect. I get the urge to smile, but before I get the chance to do so the blue lights start to flash. Then all I feel is white-hot pain.

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**Hey guys, hope you enjoyed the chapter. Things are getting pretty intense, I literally had a heart attack writing this chapter. Please R&amp;R, I really appreciate it when you guys do. :)**


	12. Chapter 12: Seven

I've experienced various amounts of pain throughout my life. From broken bones, gashes, hunger, stab wounds, to having my innocence ripped away from me. But this is different. This pain isn't physical, no it's imbedded deep in my mind, somewhere I can't reach and all I can do is lie back and wait for it to pass. I wait and wait, but the pain continues. I can hear the sound of distant screaming but I can't tell where it's coming from. Blue lights continue to flash behind my eyelids as the feeling of insects crawling all over my body triggers a wave of nausea to bubble up in my stomach. I don't think the pain can get worse, but I'm proven wrong when another swell of pain slices through my mind like a hot blade. The screaming gets worse. All of a sudden, a tugging feeling starts to weave its way through my head like a snake. It feels almost like someone's softly pulling at my hair and gradually it gets more harsh. The rough tugging continues until it turns into vicious clawing that makes it feel like my mind's being ripped away layer by layer. Black spots take the place of the blue and my mind finally goes numb. The screaming stops.

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The sound of muffled voices brings me back into consciousness. As the feeling of a headache starts to blossom, the voices gradually get louder until the throbbing sensation grows to be unbearable. Attempting to open my eyes, I finally manage to peel them open only to snap them back shut when I'm faced with blinding white light. Blinking a couple times so my eyes can adjust, I'm finally able to fully open them to take in my surroundings. The first thing I see is a tall man, probably in his mid 40s, standing in front of me. Ivan. Behind Ivan is a line of officers, their hands firmly grasping their weapons at the ready.

"Natalia, what do you remember?" As soon as those words leave Ivan's mouth, everything comes rushing back. The Red Room, the Black Widow Program, the questioning, the brainwashing. "Natalia?"

The Soldier.

"I remember I'm being trained to become the Black Widow." I reply robotically, looking through Ivan as if he wasn't there. I think back to when I saw Velina get wiped and I try to copy everything she did. I want so badly to search for the Soldier but I know better than to do that now. I have so many questions, like why do I remember everything, why didn't the machine work, and do the other girls remember too?

"Do you remember anything else?" Ivan pushes, leaning in and and staring directly into my eyes. I keep my face blank, even his cigar breath doesn't make me falter.

"No, just the Red Room." He studies my face for a few more moments, then nods to someone next to me. Looking down, I finally realize my wrist and feet have been strapped down. As the restraints loosen and are being pulled away, I lift my wrists to examine the angry looking red marks that circle around them. I don't feel it, but it looks like it should hurt. The skin around my wrist has been rubbed raw and beads of blood have started to trail down my arm. The feeling of my ankles being released as well makes me look down, those too are a deep shade of red. I watch as the person very carefully loosens the last leather strap from my right ankle. The metal hand that briefly brushes against the sensitive skin makes my chest tighten and my breathing become shallow. I want to look at him, everything inside me tells me to look at him, but everyone else in this room's scrutinizing every move I make and I can't risk that. At least not now.

"Take her to the showers." Ivan calls behind his shoulder where the same officer that brought me from the training room emerges. Out of the corner of my eye, I watch as the Soldier stands back up and takes a couple steps back to make room for us to leave. The officer grips my arm with much force and hauls me out of the chair, dragging me to the door as if I weighed nothing. As the officer pulls me along, I'm barley able to keep up with him due to the still pounding feeling in my head which causes me to stumble a couple times. The officer grunts in annoyance every time I trip, making him move faster. When we finally reach the 3rd floor, I'm led around the corner until we arrive at the door to the washroom. Shoving me inside, I slip on the wet tile and fall to the floor. I catch myself in time so my head doesn't come in contact with the ground, not wanting my head to get worse. Remind me to kill him too before I get out of here. Looking up, I find Milgred, Lena, and Windeliena taking showers, looking down at me in confusion. They must not recognize me. Standing back up, I begin to discard my clothes. They don't continue to stare at me as I make my way to the farthest shower stall. Turning the pipe on, the icy water begins to soothe the aching in my head and numb my throbbing wrists and ankles. What am I going to do now? I wasn't suppose to remember anything. Everything's just become a lot more harder. Now I have to pretend I can't remember, but what am I suppose to remember? The other girls seem to not recognize me, so I'm not suppose to remember them. Are we suppose to remember the Soldier?

After I wash my hair and the blood from my skin, I turn the water off. Stepping out of the stall I notice the other girls have already left. The cold water that clings to my skin makes goosebumps appear all over my body. The towel wrack next to the door has a towel and some clothes waiting for me. Drying myself off, I stand in front of the mirror and examine my body. Most of the bruises have faded, except for a few still scattered across my stomach, on my leg, and one on my left cheek. The stab wound on my right arm has almost completely healed though, which means it won't be slowing me down much longer. As soon as I finish changing into my clothes, I step out of the washroom to find the officer who brought me in here waiting for me. He begins to walk and I don't question where we're going. On our way down the stairs I hear screaming, Yelena. Will she remember too? The officer leads me into the dining hall where a line of girls sit eating quietly. None of them turn to talk to each other or even turn to see who has just walked into the room. Like when Velina got wiped, they look completely detached from their surroundings. Speaking of Velina, she's not here. I don't think she'll be coming back either, it's not like it matters though, none of the other girls remember her.

Taking a seat next to Pouline, who doesn't react even when my elbow brushes against hers, I begin eating. I ignore the urge to look around at the other girls and continue spooning rice into my mouth. I'm almost finished eating when I hear the sound of footsteps heading towards the dining hall. The sound gets closer until it stops behind me. Someone takes their place next to me and begins eating as well. I don't have to turn to look at them to know it's Yelena. Eventually everyone finishes eating and we're ordered to line up at the door by Nikolay. Focusing on the back of Milgred's head, I listen as Nikolay strides up and down the line of us. I don't have to look up at him to know he's smirking.

"Look at all of you, mindless little girls who don't even remember their mommies and daddies." He begins, taking a handful of Yulia's hair and letting it slide through his fingers as he walks by. "And you."

Nikolay stubbles my way and then stops, leering down at me. He grabs my face with one hand, squeezing my cheeks together, and takes a fist full of my hair with the other, yanking my head back. Still staring blankly ahead, I can smell the whiskey on his breath that's making me want to rip myself away from him.

"You're so special, aren't you? So much better than the rest of us, Ivan's favorite." Nikolay spits, forcing out a humorless laugh. He's drunk, but I know most of the girls think this too, well use to think. His grip gets tighter, but I stay as still as possible. I know Ivan doesn't treat me any different than the other girls, him agreeing to wipe me being a good example, but no one can seem to look pass me being his step daughter, or whatever I am to him. "But you're nothing. Ivan doesn't really care about you, no one does."

What Nikolay says doesn't bother me, it's nothing I don't already know. I don't want anyone to care about me, I don't need anyone to care about me. I care about myself and that's enough. He releases his grip on my face and steps back, straightening his uniform and slicking back his hair. Everyone here fights for Ivan's attention, to be in his good grace, to be his favorite. The girls want to be the Black Widow and they think if Ivan favors them, they'll be just that. Whereas the officers want a higher ranking in the Red Room, so they try to please Ivan as much as possible. It's kind of pathetic to watch really.

Nikolay leads us out of the dining hall and towards the basement. He stands by the door and watches us get into bed and cuff our wrist. After a few moments, he finally turns around and walks back up to the 1st floor. My head's still pounding but it's not as intense as it was before thankfully. Every time I close my eyes, I see blue and white flashes that makes a wave of nausea pass through me. If trying to sleep was hard before, now it's even harder. I can only imagine what the Soldier goes through when he gets wiped. Shifting my body left and right, I try to get comfortable but fail miserably. A feeling of dread washes over me and an overwhelming feeling of panic fills my chest. Tears threaten my eyes and I close them as tight as possible, willing them not to fall. I'm fine, I'm not breaking, I'm fine. Everything will be fine. Only the breakable ones break. They will not break me. I repeat in my head over and over again like a prayer until I finally drift off to sleep.

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I wake up a couple hours later to find the girls still asleep and slip out of bed. Quietly sneaking to the door that leads up the stairs, I make my way up to the 2nd floor. I have so many questions and I need answers. Nothing makes any sense. How was I able to remember unlike the other girls? Why did they wipe the memories of the other girls from each other? As I get closer to the training room door, I feel dizziness start to swim around my head. I know after being wiped that I really need to get some rest, but this can't wait. And neither can he, because I know he's waiting for me. Opening the training room door, I step inside. It's dark except for the moonlight shining down on the training mat. Walking closer I can make out the Soldier's figure sprawled out on the mat with his hands behind his head, he looks peaceful. All he has on are a pair of black sweatpants while his chest is bare, displaying scars that are plainly scattered across his front. The Soldier doesn't acknowledge me as I stand next to him and he doesn't even turn his head when I lie down. We both lay next to each other waiting for the other to speak first. Finally remembering that I'm the one that came up here for answers, I turn my head towards him. The Soldier still doesn't look at me and in a way I'm grateful, afraid of what his face might reveal.

"Why do I remember?" I ask in a voice that's so low I don't even think he hears me at first. With a heavy sigh, the Soldier squeezes his eyes shut in agitation and sits up. Sitting up too, I wait until he's ready to answer. Rubbing his eyes, the Soldier finally turns to look at me, his eyes for once showing me everything he's feeling. The way he stares at me makes it seem like it pains him to look at me. "You did something." I state, knowing full well he had something to do with this. I'm not sure whether to be grateful or upset.

Something flashes across his face, shame, guilt, regret, relief? His silence's more than enough to know what he's trying to say. The Soldier's face falls and he closes his eyes again, looking tired and lost.

"You can't forget." He whispers, gazing up at me with a frown. What I've been afraid of all this time since the Soldier got here has just been confirmed. He's compromised. I was hoping it would have just been me, so when I got discovered I'd be the only one to get punished or killed but now we're both at risk. I guess I always knew it went both ways, I just refused to see it. I don't want to ask why exactly he did it, for my sake and his. If I'm being honest, I don't really want to hear him say it out loud. My stomach begins to twist just thinking about what we'll do after this. We can both try as much as possible to act normal and pretend we both aren't jeopardizing our lives, but that's easier said than done. There's no going back from this. Wiped or not, I would have still been compromised. I know that, so I can't be upset with him but I don't want to be grateful either.

Falling back down onto the training mat, I gaze up at the crack in the ceiling. The Soldier soon follows, laying with his left shoulder pressing against mine. The cold from his metal arm causes goosebumps to rise on my arm but it doesn't bother me, instead I watch as snow begins to drift from the ceiling and onto my face. Grey light falls on both of us like a spotlight, illuminating our faces. Turning my head to the side, I notice how the Soldier's eyes become brighter in the moonlight. I can see every detail of his face, every scar. He has one right at the corner of his eye, it's practically invisible, all that's left is a pale line. Closing my eyes, I relish in the feeling of the cold drops of snow biting my face and the brightness of the moon behind my eyes. For a second I can forget about everything that's going on in the Red Room and just enjoy what's happening right now. It's like nothing else matters, nothing else exists but us. I can feel the Soldier's gaze on the side of my face and I turn to look back at him. We both just study each other's face, the same simple question burning in both of our eyes. _Now what?_ Those 2 words lead to a whole new set of problems that I just don't want to think about right now, I can worry about it tomorrow. Right now there is no Red Room, no handcuffs, no Winter Soldier, no Ivan, and no Black Widow. There's just me and a soldier who doesn't remember his name.

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**YAY! Chapter 12! Hope you guys enjoy it and please R&amp;R, it really makes me happy when you do. :)**


	13. Chapter 13: Rehearsal

**Hey guys sorry it's been so long. I'm still alive, but I've been really busy with family and school just started so I really haven't had time to write. But no worries I am back. So enjoy the chapter.**

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It's been 3 days since that night with the Soldier. 3 days since my memories were almost taken away and 3 days since I discovered that the Soldier might just be as compromised as I am and we're handling it pretty well. He doesn't treat me any different than before. Though when we train together at night I do notice his hands linger a little longer than necessary, but that could just be me reading too much into it. I've been doing that a lot lately. Reading too much into things. Or maybe I've always done that and I'm just now noticing that about myself. Paying attention to things I shouldn't be paying attention to, like the way his Adam's apple bobs and his fists clench when he gets orders from Ivan or any other officer. Or how he absentmindedly licks at his lips every couple seconds because their dried and chapped, and how every time I see him do that I get this twisting feeling in my stomach. I've also been thinking about things I absolutely shouldn't think about, like what'll happen after the program and where the Soldier will go. I've also caught myself a couple times wishing I had Yelena to spar with, as much as I hate to admit it or think about it, she's my friend. Or she _was_ my friend. But I have much more pressing matters to worry about other than lingering touches and a lost friendship. Tomorrow night we have our performance to do for the KGB. Ivan has us going over our routine everyday for hours on end. We haven't had any classes with Mr. Volkov or the Soldier since the other girls got wiped, instead we spend the entire day with Madam Oksana dancing. Which I don't mind, I do miss our training with the Soldier but this is only until tomorrow. Also Mr. Volkov seems relieved to not have us around. Not only have we been dancing with Madam Oksana, but we've also been getting fitted as well. I never really thought about what we'd wear, I just assumed we'd wear our training clothes. But now that I've thought about it I realize that would be ridiculous. We're performing for the head of the KGB, Ivan would never let us dance for them in our training clothes. I don't know exactly what we'll be wearing, Madam Oksana just measures different parts of our body and then leaves. But I don't think that'll matter tomorrow night, I'll be too worried about everything else. But luckily I don't have to think about this until tomorrow, so I've promised myself. For the past couple days I've tried not to think about the performance or Ivan or the KGB officers, because I know we'll start the day with 7 girls and end the day with less than that. Not to mention on top of all of this I'm risking the Soldier's life almost as much as he's risking mine. So much regret and guilt has been swimming around my head since that night. From him somehow keeping me from being wiped, to the fact that I still haven't given the Soldier his file yet.

We just finished going over our routine for the 21st or 22nd time I think, I lost count after 15. Any minute Ivan will come in and escort us to the dining hall for lunch. The music for our dance starts sad and slow and progressively gets faster and more cheery, that then it speeds up even more and ends suddenly. The songs a story, a tragedy, I can almost see it playing out and I'm the main character. My life starts slow and sad, everyday feels the same and it's like I've spent the past few years on autopilot. Then it gradually becomes faster, like how the last few days have been. Almost like I can't keep up and it's going by too fast. Then as it almost reaches the end, it loses control and suddenly ends. I know that part hasn't happened yet, out of control part, and no amount of mental and physical preparation can prepare me for it but I know it's coming. How can it not? With this line of business I'm in, whatever it is, it doesn't involve happy endings. Whether I get out of here or not, I can't have one. I don't deserve one, and I've come to terms with that, I'm almost okay with it.

"Ladies." A voice calls from the doorway where Ivan stands waiting for us to follow him. The music stops and we all walk to the door, not bothering to take our ballet shoes off since we'll be coming back. Since the Soldier hasn't been training us, I often wonder what he does all day. Sometimes he'll be in the dining hall eating lunch or dinner and other times he's nowhere to be found. I always mean to ask him when we train together after everyone's asleep or when we just lie on the training mat staring at the ceiling, but that time seems too sacred. Too precious for dumb questions and words. Instead we speak through our movements, our hits and our pain. 'Good jobs' and 'you're improving' in the form of cuts and bruises. And something else, always something else is said. But we'd both ignore it, whatever it is. We're both good at ignoring things until it can't be ignored anymore, or until someone does something stupid like planning to steal a file to give to the other or intervening with a brainwashing program so the other person won't become a walking sack of skin and bones. The other girls have barley blinked in the last 3 days. Not a single word has come from them and I thought that would relieve me, to not hear their annoying giggling or stupid gossip but I actually kind of miss it. Yup there's definitely something wrong.

The Soldier's standing at the back of the dining hall next to a couple other officers. Same uniform, same hair, messy and in his eyes, same eyes, blue and probably piercing through my soul like they always seem to do, and same chapped lips. Those stupid, god forsaken lips that my eyes just love to wander to at the most inappropriate moments, like now. Ever since that night, it's like a gate has been opened. I've noticed things about the Soldier I never noticed before. Before it was major things, like the shift in his eyes or the furrow of his eyebrows, if that's what you call major. Now it's his lips and his hands and his hair and his everything. Maybe one of the officers should take me outside, dump a bucket of water over my head, and leave me freezing in the snow so I can try to salvage whatever morals I have left. Just a couple weeks ago I was rolling my eyes at how the girls would swoon and ogle at the officers, now who's ogling? Now who's being a hypocrite?

As we all sit down to eat, I so badly want to glance up to the back of the dining hall but things aren't like they use to be. The dining hall isn't filled with giggling and chatter, or stolen conversations between the officers and quick glances and staring. No, now it's quiet and tense and the room is so big but at the same time so small. So many people, but no one dares to utter a word.

I keep in time with how the girls eat. Lifting my spoon when they do and making sure I swallow when they do as well. I have to be in sync with them constantly, like we're one person. I can't miss a beat even for a second, that could give away everything. We're being scrutinized constantly, by the officers and by Ivan. I can tell they're afraid we might snap since they've never dealt with this programing before. But we were at risking of snapping even before that.

I always wondered why I liked the cold so much. Just everything about it comforts me I guess. I miss it, I mean it's plenty cold in the building but I miss the numbing, biting cold of the snow. I've been itching to go back up to the roof, but now isn't the right time. Maybe after tomorrow night, if I live until then. Tomorrow seems so far but way too close. I'm not quite ready for it to be tomorrow yet but also I just want to get it over with. I miss that moment when you first step outside and that first cold gust of wind that nearly knocks you over. Your eyes get watery and your cheeks and nose begin to lose feeling, but at the same time it wakes up every nerve in your body. You feel alive. In a way it's like dancing. Just minus the watery eyes, the numb face, and the cold altogether. When I dance I feel alive, awake, I feel that gust. That gust that makes me completely block out everything and everyone around me. Is that gust the music, or is it just the dance itself? You don't need music to dance. Madam Oksana told me that once when I was little, maybe I was 6 at the time. She'd have me make up my own dances on the spot without music, and she'd be right. 'Who said you had to have music to dance?', she'd laugh. Back then she smiled, she seemed happy. Over the years she became bitter and strict, like she didn't want to be here, yet she stayed. That's always confused me about her. She can so easily leave, I imagine it wouldn't be hard to find another ballet teacher. I mean obviously they wouldn't be as good but it's a teacher nonetheless. She practically hates everyone here, so why does she put up with us?

We finish eating and head back to Madam Oksana to go over the routine again. Ivan claims it isn't quite perfect yet. Lately Ivan's been aggravating me, from his constant hovering, to his unnecessary comments about the routine, to just him talking and being around in general. It's funny really. Almost everyone here wants to be Ivan's favorite, then here Ivan is wanting to be the KGB's favorite. He wants the KGB to be more involved with the Black Widow Program because if they are, I over heard him say once to Nikolay, 'Our Black Widow will get amazing opportunities. She'll be remembered, she'll be feared.' Ivan started the program to create Russia's most dangerous female assassin, but why does he want a female assassin, why does he want an assassin? I mean it's not like wanting a dog or a goldfish, this is wanting a killer. Does he have someone he wants to kill? If so I'm sure he's more than capable of doing it himself or having someone else do it for him like the Soldier. Why does he have to go through years of training and practically raising a bunch of girls just to make them into assassins? Part of me wants to know, wants to know why I've been locked away in this building my whole life. But then another part of me doesn't want to know, that part of me wishes she got wiped so she wouldn't have to think or worry about this kind of stuff. That was the cowardice part.

Soon enough we're led to the dining hall for dinner and then to the washroom. Like the last couple days no one speaks and it sends an uneasy feeling up my spine. I'm getting tired of this, no facial expressions, and talking robotically when spoken to. It's annoying and the only time I can let loose and be free is when I sneak up to the training room to be with the Soldier. We haven't spoken a single word to each other since that night but neither of us seem bothered by it. I plan on giving the Soldier his file soon, maybe tonight, or tomorrow before the performance or after. I just know I have to give it to him, it's the least I can do. That and he deserves to know what's inside, what his name is. Maybe I'll finally be able to put a name to him, instead of calling him 'the Soldier.' I often try to guess what his name is. Since I can tell he's from America I've come up with Bob, Nick, Peter, Sebastian, Kevin, Chris, Luke, Jack, Sheldon. All names I've read in English books, but just don't seem to fit him. When the Soldier finds out his name, will he feel like it's his or will it feel like he's reading about a completely different person? I don't know what his life was like before he became the Winter Soldier and I can't really imagine what he possibly could have been before than either.

Soon enough we're all in bed being handcuffed by Nikolay. Since 3 days ago, Ivan made it so someone had to handcuff us before we went to sleep and uncuff us in the morning. Not sure why they haven't been doing that since the beginning but it doesn't make a difference. We could all get out of these if we wanted to, I mean if we were awake that is. Eventually it was my turn and Nikolay cuffed my wrist a little too tight. A few minutes later Nikolay leaves and the other girls are already asleep. The sound of talking and footsteps from the upper floor keeps me awake until not a single sound can be heard throughout the whole building. I wait another half an hour just to make sure and remove the cuffs from my wrist. Padding up the stairs, I quietly head up to the training room. No matter how many times I've done this, I always seem to get nervous. Pushing open the door, I find the Soldier waiting for me on the mat. His back's turned and all he's wearing is a pair of sweatpants. Walking towards him, I try not to make a sound. He then immediately turns around to face me, knowing that I'm there.

When I reach him, he steps aside letting me decide what we do tonight. I walk to the middle of the mat and lie down. Tonight I don't feel like fighting, I just want to forget about everything for now. The heat from his body reaches me and I look over to see him laying down with his eyes closed. As he breathes, puffs of smoke floats upward and mixes with mine. Goosebumps run up and down his right arm but he doesn't seem to notice the cold. Turning my head back towards the ceiling, I close my eyes and eventually fall asleep.

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Cold drops sprinkling my face wakes me up. The first thing I realize is that I'm still in the training room and it's still dark, except for the moon shining down on me. The second thing I realize is that the Soldier's still here, sitting up, leaning back on his hands, and looking down at me. His hair falls over his eyes but I'm still able to make out the blue in them. Sitting up and crossing my legs, I turn to face the Soldier so my knees are touching his left leg. He then reaches out and takes ahold of my hair and begins twisting it around his metal fingers, red and silver twirling around each other like a snake. After a couple minutes, out of nowhere my hand reaches out and takes ahold of his left one. The Soldier flinches but eventually calms down as I trace the lines of the metal. I run my fingers from the tip of his middle finger, up his forearm, and back down. The Soldier shivers and I can feel his burning gaze on my face, but I don't dare to look up. Lifting the Soldier's hand up, I press mine against it. My hand's much smaller than his and the corner of the Soldier's mouth twitches seeing this. Closing his hand around mine, we lace our fingers together. The snow starts to come down heavier, getting caught in his hair. I feel specks of snow on my face and the weight of them on my eyelashes. The Soldier reaches his other hand out towards me and brushes away the snow from my cheek. Studying his face, I realize this is someone else. This isn't the Winter Soldier or my soldier, this is someone completely different. Someone who's done this before, someone Hydra erased, someone I wish I could know more about. I open my mouth to say something but the sound of footsteps heading towards the training room makes us tear our hands apart and scramble to our feet. The person I was with disappears and the Soldier's face hardens, thinking of a way to get us out of here. Panic clutches at my heart and I'm frozen, not knowing what to do. The Soldier then grabs me and practically throws us both into the darkest corner of the room. He pins me against the wall, his body completely covering mine like a shield. The panic subsides as I feel his breath against my ear, calming me down. The footsteps get louder until they're in the room with us and me and the Soldier both hold our breath. Stretching my neck to look behind him, I can make out a small figure. At first I'm curious to know who it is until the light from the moon hits them. Yelena. What is she doing here? But my question's answered when she begins hitting the punching bag, she's in here to train. Does that mean she remembers? Should I go talk to her? Did she notice I was gone when she woke up? When did she start remembering? Suddenly the Soldier takes my hand and slowly starts leading us both to the door. We stay in the shadows so Yelena can't see us, stopping every couple feet to make sure she doesn't hear us. I decide that after the performance I'll try to talk to her, which by all means is a bad idea. But that seems to be all that I'm doing nowadays, risking my life for stupid reasons. We both slip out of the training room and down towards the kitchen. As we reach the first floor the Soldier stops and I glance up at him for a moment before carrying on towards the basement. I head straight for my bed and quickly cuff my wrist, wanting to fall asleep immediately. Now I can't wait for it to be tomorrow, not only to talk to Yelena but to give the Soldier his file. I want him to know who he was and is. He's still that person I saw in the training room, deep down. I know he can never be that person again and even though I would like to get to know that person, I like this one better. The person that he was and I would never get along, a part of me knows that I'm not good enough for that person. At least the Soldier and I now have things in common, we've both done awful things we regret. But the former him was good, I can tell that much. I've never been good, I never will be. The Soldier now isn't good either, instead he's broken in the most beautiful way. Me, I'm broken in the most ugly way.

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Hope you enjoyed and please R&amp;R!


	14. Chapter 14: Bolshoi

The ballet room immediately fell silent as Ivan and Madam Oksana entered, both of them studying each of our faces one by one. Their expressions remain blank and unreadable as they stand with their hands behind their back. The bags under Ivan's eyes are more prominent and his eyes look dull and tired. Turning his head to the side, Ivan nods to one of the officers who comes and places a cardboard box down in front of Madam Oksana who bends over to open it. Pulling back the flaps of the box, Madam Oksana reaches in and pulls out red and black fabric.

Madam Oksana was the one to wake us up this morning and take us to the washroom and dining hall. A heavy sense of dread washed over me at the realization that today we would be performing for the KGB. In the washroom, though I don't really count myself as a religious person, found myself praying that someone, anyone, would say or do something. I also found myself sneaking glances at Yelena, since there wasn't anyone watching us in the washroom, trying to get her attention. I gave up once I realized what I was doing. It was a stupid risk to take, especially since one of the girls could go off and tell someone. Even though they seem pretty much empty minded, I still can't trust them. I don't know how this new technology works, maybe it implants an irrepressible loyalty. Either way I can't risk it. We practiced our routine for a couple hours until lunch where the Soldier was nowhere to be found. I'm planning on giving him his file today but I need an opening to go and get it. We're always being watched by someone because Ivan doesn't want any of us out of sight, but I'll figure something out. A few minutes is all I need.

Madam Oksana holds up a short black, long sleeved dress and looks at it for a few seconds with a faint look of sadness written across her face. She looks at the dress as if it's a long lost friend she's now seeing after many years. Quickly snapping out of it, Madam Oksana scans her eyes over each of us.

"Yulia." She calls out in a stern tone, trying to hide the faint unevenness in her voice. Without hesitation, Yulia walks towards Madam Oksana and takes the dress from her then gets back in line. One by one the girls go up receiving either a black or red dress. Eventually Madam Oksana calls my name and I go to get my dress, which is red. I want to look down at it, take in the details and patterns but we're already being led out of the room by Nikolay.

He leads us down to the basement to put our dresses away, then escorts us back up to the washroom. All the girls walk to their designated showers and start stripping their clothes. Out of the corner of my eye I can see Nikolay leaning against the door with a wicked smirk spreading across his face. My cheeks become hot with anger and humiliation as I discard my clothes and begin to wash my body. I start counting in my head to try and calm myself down, but my hands begin shaking the longer he stands there. I can feel his eyes all over me and I want to rip them out of his head. Right when I begin grinding my teeth, I hear yelling and footsteps coming from down the hall. Madam Oksana soon comes into view dragging Nikolay away by his ear. When all I can hear is the sound of running water, I physically relax.

"So what's your name?" A voice echoes in the washroom, making all the girls direct their attention to whoever just spoke. Looking behind me, I see Pouline and Windeliena facing each other and talking. Eventually the whole washroom is full of soft whispers and giggling. So I guess none of the girls remember each other, not one of them try to talk to me but I'm okay with that. I guess somethings never change, I'm just glad the silence has finally been broken. They mostly talk about the performance, their dresses, and Nikolay. Most of them don't like him, well except Yulia who thinks he's cute. The only two that haven't spoken yet is me and Yelena. We're somehow still the outcast. I wonder when exactly they snapped out of their daze but frankly I don't care, bottom line is that they don't remember a thing. That brainwashing equipment sure did a hell of a job.

Not long after, we hear footsteps heading towards the washroom and all the girls immediately quiet down. Madam Oksana comes into view, holding a stack of towels, that we each take. Then we all follow her down to the basement. I can't help but feel excitement as we enter the basement and I go towards my bed. Picking up the red dress splayed out across my sheets, I take in all of the details from top to bottom. The neck stops just below the collarbone and from the upper chest area to the ends of the sleeves are lace. The torso is plain and stops just above the hip where the lace begins again and ends mid upper thigh. The back of the dress has an open back and two parts that come together to form a knot. Looking over at the other girls, they already have their dresses on and are admiring each other. They spin around and giggle like their in a fairytale. I pull on the white stockings that are also on my bed then carefully put the dress on, afraid that the slightest tug will tear it. This has to be the most beautiful piece of clothing I've ever held and seen. It fit my body perfectly, hugging every curve like a second skin. I was never one to care about my appearance but for once I wish there was a mirror in here.

"You look amazing." A voice speaks up from next to me. Turning around, I find Yelena smiling at me wearing her black dress. Before I can thank her and give back a complement, Madam Oksana walks in and nods for us to follow her out. She leads us up to the ballet room and waits until the door closes behind us to begin speaking.

"Ivan has a gift for all of you." She begins in a soft spoken manner. Next to her is another box and she leans over to open it. When she does, some girls crane their necks to see what's inside. Madam Oksana then pulls out a pair of pale pink ballet shoes. Not a speck of dirt are on them nor are they ripped. The light coming from the window hits them making the shoes look shiny and silky. I already can't wait to try them on. She holds up a pair but tells us we can't put them on until right before the performance much to our dismay. As we admire the new shoes from afar, she places them back into the box then pulls out another pair of black shoes that look like ballet shoes but a little different. "These aren't for dancing, but you will wear them on your way to the performance." Madam Oksana informs us while handing them out.

Slipping them on, I try to wiggle my toes but they're too tight and uncomfortable. Right as Madam Oksana leaves and shuts the door, the girls start talking again. Taking the shoes off, I slowly stand up and start backing up towards the door. The other girls don't seem to notice me so I keep on going. Yelena, who's sitting near me, then looks over and smiles then gives me a wink and turns back around. I'm grateful she's somewhat like she use to be, but I'm not sure if I trust her yet. I try not to over analyze her and what exactly the motive behind her 'having my back' is, as I get closer to the door. Turning the doorknob as quietly as possible, I open it and slip out. Immediately looking around I sigh in relief when there's no one in sight. I need to do this quickly, I have no clue when someone will come back for us. Taking the steps two at a time, I pass the 3rd floor where I hear a shower running. I continue up until I reach the 4th floor where I hear voices. My heart's pounding a million miles at this point but I continue on anyway. Finally, I make it to the 5th floor and I head straight for the room where I found the files before. Pressing my ear against the door, I carefully open it when I don't hear anything inside. Pushing the door close behind me, I leave a crack open so some light can get it. I don't want to risk turning the lights on and having someone know I'm in here. Weaving my way through the rows of cabinets, I finally find the one I'm looking for. Opening the middle drawer, I scan every file looking for the Winter Soldier's. For a second my heart skips when I don't see it. Right when I'm about to close the drawer and look in another one, I spot it all the way in the back. Someone's already come in here to get it. I grab the file and close the drawer without a second thought, not wanting to waste time overthinking why anyone would need his file. Holding the file close to my chest, I step out of the room and make sure to close the door behind me. As I turn around I come face to face with Yelena.

"What the hell are you doing up here?!" I whisper harshly, grabbing her arm and looking around to make sure no one else has followed her.

"I'm keeping a look out for you." She explains with a sheepish smile. My hand itches to just smack her for being so stupid, but I'm being stupid too by just coming up here.

"You're going to get us both killed?!" I quietly yell at her, not taking my eyes off of the staircase.

"Not if you hurry up." She looks at me matter of factly. Rolling my eyes, because she has a point, I drag her along with me up the staircase. As we both head up to the 6th floor, everything in me tells me to just peak inside the file but I can't. Not only will I be wasting time but it's none of my business, also Yelena's here. When I'm finally in front of his door, I think twice about all of this. What if they brainwashed him sometime today? Will he kill me? What if he doesn't want it? Of course he would want it, he needs to want it.

"Wait out here." I tell Yelena who nods and turns her back to the door without objection. Taking one last breath, I open the door and step in, immediately being engulfed by blackness. Closing the door behind me, I turn around and find the room dark except for the grey light coming from behind the boarded up windows. For some reason I expect the Soldier to come out from somewhere in the room, but he doesn't. I don't think he's even in here. I guess I'm grateful in a way, I don't know if I can face him while giving him his file. Picking up the pillow on his bed, I place the file down. Before I place the pillow back over it, I look at it one last time, contemplating on if I should open it. I then lay the pillow back over the file before I can think about it further. Standing there for a second I take a deep breath in, realizing the room smells like him. Like soap and sweat and metal and, safety. I've become so use to it I can recognize it anywhere. Suddenly realizing I've been away for too long, I make my way out of the Soldier's room where Yelena's still waiting. When she sees me we both head back down to the 2nd floor in silence, ignoring the voices and the sound of the shower. When we sneak back into the ballet room, the girls are still giggling and talking. As I put back on my black shoes Madam Oksana walks in. The girls continue talking so I assume that they already know the girls have snapped out of whatever daze they were in for the past few days.

"Line up." She orders, her face void of any emotion. Looking her over, I realize Madam Oksana isn't wearing her usual grey dress. She has on a dark red dress that stops just below her knees and buttons that go all the way up to her neck. The sleeves stop at her forearms and a black belt is tied around her waist. She looks nice and less intimidating. Even though her face is blank you can see that she looks, content, not happy but content. As we line up in front of her, me being the last one, I realize she's tying our hair up in a bun much like her own. As she finishes each girl, she tells them to go outside and wait in line. Eventually it's my turn. Turning around, I close my eyes as her fingers weave through my hair gently. She tugs on my hair to gather all of it in the back, then begins to twist it. A few times she tugs a little too hard but I don't say anything because it feels nice in a way. I imagine this is what a mother does for her daughter, maybe before school or for a family dinner. When Madam Oksana finishes, she gives me the softest smile I've ever seen from her, it looks almost sad. She then opens the door to reveal the other girls. They're all wearing black coats that reach just below their knees and are lined up in a row facing Ivan. There are officers standing behind them and I quickly scan the room for the Soldier, who is nowhere to be seen. Ivan walks towards me and hands me a coat, giving me a smile that just seems empty. Full of empty promises. All of this is really taking a tole on him, I wonder when it'll break him. I slip on the coat and try to get accustomed to the warmth of it, but it just makes me feel hot and uncomfortable. Ignoring the feeling of the coat, I get in line with the rest of the girls.

"We will be leaving shortly." Ivan informs us then nods to Nikolay, who opens the doors that leads out of the building and gestures for us to follow him outside. As I step out into the cold, I smile at the biting snow that immediately attacks my face and sends a shiver down my spine. The cold air seeps into my skull due to my hair still being wet and I can't be more welcoming of it. I didn't realize how much I've missed the cold. I can't enjoy it as much as I would like to due to the coat but I'll take what I can get. Looking down at the snow, I wished that I could just fling these dumb shoes off and feel the familiar freezing pin prickles under my feet. I notice that the Soldier is still nowhere in sight and I'm worried he won't be coming. I hate to admit it but I need him there, no I want him there. Just incase I'm the one that won't make it. We round the corner of the building until a row of black vans with no windows except for 2 in the front comes into view. How many officers are coming with us? Ivan divides us up into 2 groups and has Nikolay escort the first group to another van behind the one in front of us along with 4 officers following behind them. Me, Yelena, Yulia, and Milgred pile into one van, followed by Ivan and 2 officers. The van fits 8 people, so me and Yelena go all the way to the back while Yulia, Milgred, Ivan, and the officers fill up the seats in front. There's a space between me and Yelena that I'm thankful for because I'm still upset that she followed me. She's still naive as ever and I still don't trust her, I don't trust any of them. I don't want to get close to her again because I can still get her killed and she can still get me killed. I can't be responsible for anyone else's death and that goes for her and the Soldier. Me, I'm not so worried about but the Soldier and Yelena are another story.

Turning to the right, I expect to be able to see out of the window but remember there isn't any. With a sigh, I lean my head against the wall of the van. The greyish light of the clouds that's coming from the windows in the front is the only thing lighting up the inside of the van. It's quiet except for the hum of the engine and the sound of the tires as the vehicle starts to move. Closing my eyes, I start to count.

* * *

For the next hour and 20 minutes no one speaks, no one barely even moves. It's like there isn't anyone in here but me. Eventually the sky got darker and it's pitch black in the vehicle now. Peeking over the seat to the front, small houses start to come into view. A giddy feeling starts bubbling in my chest as more houses appear. Looking over at Yelena, I see her looking back at me with a huge smile. We've all lived in the Red Room for most of our lives, not being able to leave and see the real world so all of this is very new to us. With every turn we make, the houses get bigger and taller until there are stores, parks, and huge buildings that I can only describe as resembling castles appear. I've only read about these things and tried to imagine what they would look like, but seeing all of this in person is something completely different. Pinks, blues, yellows, purples, greens, and oranges are everywhere. When I was younger Madam Oksana would tell me stories about when she used to be a professional ballet dancer and how she would perform in front of giant crowds. There was a theater she would perform in called the Bolshoi Theatre. It's a very elaborate building that looks almost as if royalty lives in it, or so she's told me. Just then the van begins to slow down and turn a corner. Craning my neck, a giant building comes into view and it's the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen. The front has tall white columns and intricate designs etched into the white stone. The lights that are illuminating it makes the theater look like it's made of gold. A chariot with four horses sits at the top of the building. Right in front of the theater sits a water fountain. The lights from the theater makes the water look like a thousand diamonds shooting up in the sky. I already know what this place is but I didn't imagine it would be this beautiful. The van makes a couple more turns then stops.

"Come on, we're already 3 minutes late." Ivan ushers for us to exit the van, nearly tripping over his own feet. One of the officers slide open the door and a wave of cold consumes the vehicle almost as if it's trying to push us out. As I step out onto the street, my eyes begin to water and my face starts to get numb. The giddy feeling in my chest grows as I take in the sights before me. People, everywhere. Young, old, tall, and short. Wearing boots, fur hats, sweaters, and scarves. Trees decorated with lights that makes the snow glisten almost like sugar.

The winter air burns my nose as I breathe it in. Looking up, not many stars can be seen due to the city lights but the moon's bright as ever. Ivan begins walking and we all follow him until we're on a path that leads straight to the theater. I have to keep myself from walking too fast and keep an even pace so I don't bump into Yelena. As we get closer, I can hear the sound of water coming from the fountain. Turning a corner, it comes into view. It's a lot bigger than I initially thought and beautiful. As we walk pass it, I make a mental note of how the theater reflects off of the water since I'm not so sure if I'll ever get to see it again. Looking more closely I can make out small little circles below the surface. The sound of giggling makes me look up to see a little boy being held up by his father over the water.

"Make a wish." The man says, looking down at the boy with a smile. Closing his eyes, the little boy mumbles something under his breath then throws a coin into the fountain. The boy laughs then hugs his father and they start walking away from the fountain. Looking around and taking everything in, all the people and lights and sounds, it's overwhelming. This place seems almost magical and I don't ever want to leave. Glancing behind me, I find the other girls from the second van looking around in awe. Turning my head back towards the theater I see it towering over me as we get closer. I try to take in as much as possible not wanting to miss a single detail. Three doors appear and the one in the middle slowly opens to reveal an officer in a navy blue uniform. Not wanting to make eye contact with him, I turn my head down and walk through the door into the building. The floor's glossy to the point I can see my reflection in it and it makes soft squeaky sounds as we make our way across the lobby. Glancing up, I can see 5 more officers walking towards us. Power and authority radiates off of them, stifling the room and making everyone straighten up. Peaking over the other girls' heads, I see Ivan approach them and shake one of their hands.

"Ivan, good to see you again." He says with a smile, the corner of his eyes crinkling. The man has a white beard that stops just above his collarbone and dozens of medals scattered across his uniform. Looking closer at his uniform, I notice a name tag that reads 'Kovalev.'

"You too, General Kovalev. I've been looking forward to meeting you again." Ivan forces a smile and laughs. His shoulders are tense and when he puts his hands down they begin to shake. I'm surprised he's not sweating from how nervous he is.

After a few more words are exchanged, they begin walking towards a corridor and we follow behind them without a word. With each step I take further into the building, an uneasiness pools in the pit of my stomach. I can't even predict what might happen tonight but I can guarantee I'm not even sure I'll be leaving the building alive. I know once the KGB orders Ivan to kill one of us, which they will there's no doubt about it, he won't hesitate. It's pathetic that he's so eager to please them but I'm no different. I'd do anything, kill anyone, to come out on top. I'm just as pathetic. But maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing to die here, surrounded by such beautiful things in such a beautiful place. I don't think I would rather die anywhere else. But I've worked too hard to just give up now. I have so much to live for, so many people to live for. The main person being me, I need to stay alive for me, I need to fight for me. At this point no one else matters, not Ivan, Yelena, the KGB, not even the Soldier. No one can help me, but I don't need anyones help. I don't want it.

We come up to a giant set of doors that slowly opens to reveal a room with a stage all the way in the back. There are rows and rows of empty seats that lead up to the stage where a line of even more KGB officers wait for us. Among them are some Red Room officers as well. Eventually we come up to the stage that turns out to be a lot bigger and higher than I initially thought it would be. All the girls line up side by side, me being the last one on the far right, to face the stage. The man that Ivan was talking to earlier, General Kovalev, opens his mouth to talk but is cut off by a group of Red Room officers coming in through a side door from the right of the theater. As I'm about to face back towards the General, a familiar flash of silver catches my eye and relief washes over me. A million thoughts run through my mind. Did he read the file, did he find out his name, is he upset that I gave it to him in the first place? All questions I can hopefully ask later because now we're being take to the back of the stage where the dressing room is to finish our final preparations.

* * *

**Sorry the updates have been slow, schools really been a pain in the butt. And I know not much happens in this chapter but the next chapter will be more interesting ;) I promise. R&amp;R!**


	15. Chapter 15: Moonlight Sonata

I've never worn makeup before and I'm not so sure I like it. I've seen Madam Oksana wear it plenty of times but I've always thought of it as a waste of time. I know it's suppose to make you look more appealing but I could honestly care less about that, especially right now. Madam Oksana's just about done getting Yelena ready and it'll soon be my turn. She isn't doing anything extreme, just some eyeliner, blush, and lipstick. When Yelena finally turns around, I notice that her cheeks are now a soft pink, the black that rings her eyes make them look more blue, and her lips are stained a bright red. She gives me a nod and walks over to where the other girls are waiting in the dressing room. Taking a step towards Madam Oksana, I keep from snapping my head around when I hear a door open. Every time I do, I want to look to see if it's the Soldier but I know better than to do that since there are officers practically everywhere.

"Don't move and try not to blink." Madam Oksana instructs, leaning forward and holding my head still with her left hand. Holding up the pencil, she brings it towards my face and fills in around my eye. After a few seconds she moves onto the other one. Once she's done with that, she holds up a round silver container and opens it to reveal a pink pad with a small brush inside. Madam Oksana takes the brush and lightly sweeps it across my cheekbones. Finally she fills in my lips with the red lipstick. Standing up, Madam Oksana gives me a smile and leads me to the other girls. As we wait in the dressing room, I notice a mirror that's hanging up on a wall. From where I'm standing, I can see the soft pink that softly powders my cheeks. The black that rims my eyes makes the green in them pop and the red lipstick makes my hair and dress look even more red. I look, pretty. The only mirrors we have in the Red Room are in the washroom but I don't make it a habit to look at myself because I always see the same thing, I look the same everyday. But now, I look older, prettier, and I hate it.

Looking away from the mirror, I find Madam Oksana unpacking the new ballet shoes and handing them out to the girls. Taking a seat on the floor, I put my new shoes on and stand up. The old ones always felt like they would fall apart any minute, but these feel comfortable and sturdy. Walking over to a corner of the room, I begin doing a series of stretches to warm up. After a few minutes the rest of the girls begin doing the same thing while Madam Oksana watches over us in approval. Eventually Ivan walks in looking less nervous than before but I can still tell he's anxious by the way he keeps fiddling with the ring on his right index finger.

"Alright devochki (girls), are you ready? Do me proud." He gives us an encouraging smile, looking at us as if we're his daughters. Suppressing the urge to roll my eyes, I get in line with the rest of the girls and wait to be escorted out by Ivan to the stage. The sound of my heart beating is all I can hear as I watch Ivan fuss over us. He orders Madam Oksana to fix Yulia's makeup, straighten Yelena's dress, and redo Milgred's hair. The nervousness that I felt earlier subsides and now all I feel is nothing, numb. I don't care about the KGB officers that are outside, or General Kovalev, or Ivan, or the other girls, not even the Soldier. All I really care to do right now is dance. I don't care who for just as long as I get to do it. That's the only thing that's really important to me at the moment.

We're led out of the dressing room by Ivan and we stand on the side of the stage, waiting to be called out. Yelena, who's in front of me shifts nervously, and I can tell Milgred, who's behind me, is doing the same. I don't have to see them to know the other girls are doing the same thing too. I can't help but think back to the time when Madam Oksana told me about one of her performances she did years ago. It was called Swan Lake and she said thousands of people from all across Russia came to see it. At such a young age, the thought of that many people getting to see you dance excited me, it still does.

Snapping out of my thoughts, I can hear someone yelling something in the distance but I can't make out what it is. A second later we're being literally pushed onto the stage by Ivan. As we make our way across the floor, I start taking deep breaths to calm my heart. We all turn to face our audience in unison and get into position. The lights that are shining on us make it hard to see any of the officers which I think is a good think, makes it a little easier for the other girls, but I can still make out everyones outline. There are quite a bit, 35 maybe more, including the Red Room officers. My eyes immediately find the Soldier standing off to the side, I can't clearly see his face but just knowing he's there makes me feel more calm. I don't like the idea of me needing the Soldier, I don't _need_ him here, but it definitely helps that he is. It's more so that I _want_ him here. Looking straight ahead, I try to imagine the whole theater full of people, thousands of people and a wave of excitement swells in my chest. Madam Oksana told us as soon as we settle on stage and get into our positions, there will be 20 seconds before the song starts to get ready so we're not caught by surprise. As I near 20 seconds in my head, I take a deep breath and get ready. When the music begins we all move in sync. Our moves are fluid, graceful, and together. We spin and jump and twirl and leap, as if we're one person. We move like the wind. As I spin, I feel my dress spin with me and a soft breeze blow against my face. I feel like the wind. As the song progresses and gets faster, we pick up our speed all the while staying together. Eventually I get lost in the song. Closing my eyes, I just let the music move me. For a minute if feels almost like I'm dancing underwater, no, floating underwater. It almost doesn't feel real. I am the wind.

All too quickly the song comes to an end and we finish with a final pose. For some reason, I expect applause but then realize where exactly I am and more importantly who is here. Blinking my eyes open, I see the officers stand up and quietly talk amongst themselves. All of us relax and wait patiently for them to finish whatever conversation they're having. From what I can tell, we all did quite well but I did have my eyes closed half the time so I can't really be sure if anyone messed up or not. A few of the officers glance up at us and then they all stop talking when the General holds up a hand. A dozen of the officers, Red Room and KGB as well as the Soldier, make their way to the side of the stage, up the stairs, and across the floor until they reach us. They all stand a good 8 feet away, as well as General Kovalev who is eyeing us closely. The Soldier's right next to the General like a right hand man, his face blank and unreadable. Each second seems to drag on and that nervousness creeps back into my chest making my heart speed up. Maybe he won't kill any of us since we did so well, but I know that's highly unlikely. He'll find something wrong, even if there wasn't anything wrong. Even if none of us messed up, someone's still going to die.

"Pozdravleniya (Congratulations) ladies, you did wonderful but it pains me to say that one of you will not be going home." General Kovalev gives us a sad smile, but I can see the amusement dancing in his eyes like a wild flame. _Home_. Some of the girls stiffen up but don't make a single sound, they've gotten better at that. "One of you thought twice about something, one of you hesitated and the KGB doesn't have room for that sort of thing. Hesitation will get you killed."

From the corner of my eye, I can see Ivan standing off to the left side of the stage where we came out from. He's gnawing on his bottom lip, waiting anxiously to see what will happen next. Compared to General Kovalev, Ivan's the deer waiting to see what the tiger will do next. After a moment, the tiger leans over and whispers something to the lion who just nods in understanding. His face doesn't give anything away, it rarely does. The Soldier then takes the gun that's strapped to his thigh and holds it closely to his side as he takes a few steps forward. My mind immediately thinks back to the first time he's done this, when he killed Nora, Donia, and Hilma. Like before, he walks up and down the line of us, taunting us. I know the Soldier isn't doing this to unnerve us, it's really more for the General. I can tell that's the case by the grin that spreads across General Kovalev's face, stretching from ear to ear. A gun shot suddenly echoes through the theater and Lena falls to the ground, a single bullet hole to the forehead. No one screams, no one yelps, no one even dares to breathe. I feel a couple things. Relief, fear, joy, nausea, sadness, anger, disgust. It all bubbles in the pit of my stomach making me feel sick. Blood slowly spills from her head, red, like her dress.

General Kovalev and a few of the other KGB officers look down at the dead girl with a mixture of satisfaction and boredom. As if she was nothing. They all then walk off the stage, Ivan following behind them like a lost puppy, and start laughing at something the General says. The Soldier then picks up Lena, not in a rough manner or like she's nothing, but like she was something and this surprises the other girls. He carries her off the stage and through the same doors they came in through. A few moments later Madam Oksana comes and guides us off the stage back to the dressing room. She closes the door behind her and lets out an exhausted sigh. No one else is in here except for us and her.

"She was a beautiful dancer." Madam Oksana whispers and I can't tell if she's saying this to us or herself. Lifting her head, she looks at each one of us carefully. "You all are."

No one says anything after that but there's no need to, there isn't really much more to say. We all take off our ballet shoes and put back on our black ones, placing them back in the box. Suddenly Ivan bursts into the room with a smile that brightens his whole face. Nothing has ever made me more disgusted than that smile Ivan's giving all of us right now.

"Come on girls, it's time to go." Ivan steps aside to make space for us to walk out of the room. Everything goes by in a blur as we leave the building. I don't pay attention to the KGB officers that are laughing and joking around, or try to memorize the details of the building, or the way Ivan walks with excitement and pride radiating off of him like the sun, or the blood that stains the Soldier's right arm. I don't feel the cold, I don't see the lights, I don't hear the laughter or random conversations from the people around us or the little boy that asks his mother if we're princesses, and I don't realize we're already in the van and on our way back to the Red Room until Yelena taps my arm. Turning my head towards her, she tries to give me a reassuring smile but eventually gives up when I don't return one. 6, there are 6 of us left. I didn't know Lena very well, didn't really care to, except for the things that mattered. Her fighting technique, her weaknesses, which side she favored more. I only knew things about her that benefited me and helped me to figure out how to defeat her. That's all I really know about the other girls. All those feelings that I felt earlier slowly dies out and I rest my head against the wall of the van in defeat. Get over it, just get over it Natalia. This is nothing new. More of them are going to die and I can't be affected by it anymore. This just means one less girl to worry about. With that final thought in mind, I close my eyes and let myself drift off to sleep.

* * *

The feeling of someone shaking me gently wakes me up and I look to find Yelena staring at me. Looking around, I see the other girls climbing out of the van one by one. Following behind Yelena, I exit the van and breathe in the cold air. I find that the death of Lena doesn't bother me anymore, if anything it makes me feel calm and relaxed. Not only do I not have to deal with her anymore, but she doesn't have to deal with the Red Room anymore too. I don't know what happens after you die, but Lena was Catholic and they believe in some place beyond the grave, somewhere where good people go. Sometimes she would tell us that's where her parents are and if she believes in that then I believe that's where she is, with her family.

As we make our way inside, Ivan leads us straight to the dining hall for dinner. Glancing over to the staircase, I catch a glimpse of the Soldier making his way up the stairs. We all eat in silence, the sound of happy chatter's the only noise that fills the room. I can't seem to tear my eyes away from Ivan who's talking to the other officers as if it's Christmas morning, eyes bright and a toothy grin on his face. He walks with them out of the dining hall and up the stairs until their voices fade behind a door. There are only 2 officers left and they're standing at the back of the room, talking and not paying attention to us. Thankfully I'm sitting at the end of the table, closest to the door, and I'm able to slip out of the dining hall without being seen. With not one doubt in my mind, I sprint up the stairs as fast as my legs will take me all while trying to make as little noise as I can because I know exactly who's waiting up there for me. As I reach the 8th floor, I slow down to a normal pace and open the door that leads out onto the roof. Ignoring the wave of cold that hugs my face, I scan my eyes over the roof looking for the Soldier. My heart sinks when I don't find him right away, but eventually my eyes adjust to the darkness and I can make out his silhouette sitting at the edge of the building. Closing the door shut behind me, I walk over to the Soldier and take a seat next to him. My right arm is pressed against his metal one and the coldness from it bites into my skin, it feels nice. No one says anything, instead we just watch the lights. So many colors, they look like diamonds. Just a few hours ago that's where we where, right in the middle of it all. I feel the Soldier shift next to me and I turn to find him picking something up from his right side. He looks down at it for a second then holds it out to me. His file. Looking up from the folder, I stare at the Soldier to make sure this is what he wants. He doesn't say anything because his eyes say enough, he wants me to read it. A part of me wants to read it, to find out what happened to him, but the other part of me would rather not know. Turning back down to look at the file, I take it from him and begin studying the front carefully. _Case number 17_, and under it is the Hydra symbol. I take a deep breath and open it. Thankfully the city gives me enough light to be able to read it. The first thing I see is a picture of the Soldier, his eyes are closed and it looks like he's sleeping. I also realize that it looks like he's in some kind of chamber. Squinting my eyes, I discover that the photo is blue and it almost looks like he's frozen. The image makes me feel uneasy and a shiver runs down my spine. Scanning my eyes down, I find another photo much smaller that's paperclipped to the bigger one. As I study the picture, a warm feeling fills my chest unlike the one from before and I smile a little. The Soldier's hair is shorter and is covered by a hat. He's wearing some kind of army uniform and I can't deny that he looks handsome in it. His face doesn't look like it does now, it's different. He's not smiling or anything but I can tell when this was taken, it was at a time when he was happy. When he wasn't the Winter Soldier. A strange feeling swells in my chest replacing the warmth and I feel like I can't breathe, as if I might burst. The longer I look at the picture the more that feeling intensifies. I get a sudden urge to get to know this person, this version of the Soldier. They're not the same, not anymore. These are 2 different people. This person in the picture looks more carefree, while the one sitting next to me has to worry about everything. He has to always watch his back. I don't want to look away from the picture, but I'm not sure how much longer I can stay up here before someone realizes I'm missing. Turning to look at the page next to the 2 pictures I find a bunch of writing. Starting from the top, I begin to read.

_Name: James Buchanan Barnes_

_DOB: March 10, 1917, New York_

James. Closing my eyes I repeat the name over and over in my head until I know for sure I will never forget it. I mouth his name to see how it'll feel and I find that I like it, a lot. I can feel the Soldier's gaze on me as I do this and my face begins to heat up. My mind then snaps to the fact that he was born in 1917, that's more than 84 years ago. Which means he's 84. My eyes dart back to the photo where it looks like he's frozen and I realize he is. I remember a couple years ago, I over heard 2 officers talking about the Winter Soldier. They said he was hundreds of years old and they freeze him in between missions so he stays young. At the time, I just brushed it off because they also said he could teleport and fly. Now I know that it's true, well except for the teleporting and flying part. Hydra has been freezing him, or as it reads here, they've been putting him in _cryogenic stasis._ Not just to keep him young, but also because it says he's unstable.

As I read through the rest of the file, I find myself becoming more and more upset. They've done terrible things to him, unimaginable things. His file is mainly filled with records of his behavior throughout the years and unstable is exactly the word to use, or better yet unpredictable. The Soldier also has done quite a bit of missions, all successful which isn't much of a surprise.

Closing the file, I let out a sigh. It's a lot to take in. After a minute, I stand up and not even a second later the Soldier follows suit. I don't want to leave yet but I know I've been got for far too long. Instead of taking a step towards the door, I take a step towards the Soldier. I reach the Soldier just below his chin so I have to tilt my head up to look at him. There isn't even 3 inches between us and this makes my face heat up and my heart skip a beat. He looks down at me with something in his eyes, appreciation and something else? I don't know what it is but I don't want him to stop. All of a sudden, I feel something run up the back of both of my arms. It leaves a burning feeling up my left arm and something cold runs up my right arm but it still leaves a trail of heat. My mind goes blank for a second until I finally comprehend that it's the Soldier's hands and this realization makes me grip his file a little tighter against my chest. At first I think I'm imagining it but then I see that he leans his head down just a fraction of an inch. If anyone was watching us, they wouldn't have seen it. Without thinking, I begin raising up on my toes. I can feel the warmth of our breath mix together and I start to feel lightheaded. Just as his lips brush mine, I find myself not caring about anything except for what's about to happen next. I don't care that Ivan and the officers could possibly be looking for me, I don't care that another girl has just died, I don't care about the blood that still stains the Soldier's right arm, and I don't care that we could be discovered at any moment. His hands grip my arms more firmly making my eyes flutter close and just as his lips are about to press against mine, I can feel the Soldier quickly pull away and start guiding me towards the roof door.

"Come on." He says in a low, husky voice. He says in English.

As we make our way down the hall and towards the stairs, I try to comprehend what the hell just happened. We almost kissed, but we didn't. My chest begins to hurt as I realize what I'm feeling is rejection. I guess I was just imagining all of that, but part of me is grateful he pulled away. If something like that happens, there will be no going back from it. Another gate will open. The other part of me, the selfish part, really wants to kiss him and I mentally slap myself as soon as I think it. The Soldier guides me down the stairs, his right hand still gripping my arm but not too tight. When we reach the 5th floor, instead of continuing down, I follow him to the room where the other files are being held. In a matter of seconds, the Soldier manages to go into the room, put his file back, and come back out. Has he always known where it is? When we get to the 4th floor, he slows down. Listening closely, I can still hear Ivan and the officers talking. This time, I take the lead and start guiding both of us down until we reach the 2nd floor. Stopping just at the top of the stairs that leads to the 1st floor, the Soldier gives me a look that tells me I have to go the rest of the way alone. Nodding in understanding, I take a step back to leave but he takes ahold of my arms once again and pulls me towards him until his lips brush against my left ear.

"You look beautiful." The Soldier whispers, making goosebumps rise on my arms. With that he takes a step back and I see that his face is a light tint of red, possibly from the cold? Not taking my eyes off of him, I watch as he starts back up the stairs to his room. Snapping out of my daze, all the worries I had before resurfaces. I can't even estimate how long I've been gone. Minutes, hours? Rushing down the stairs, I keep my eyes open for any sign of an officer that may be heading towards me. The dining hall and kitchen is empty and I didn't hear any of the showers running from the wash room so I assume the girls are already in bed. As I tiptoe down to the basement I can hear soft snoring. When I reach my bed, I quickly change into my sleeping clothes, put them in the box I keep under my bed, and slip under the covers. As I'm cuffing my wrist, I remember I still have my makeup on and decide to just wash it off when I wake up the next morning. Turning on my side, I feel a smile slowly creep onto my face. He almost kissed me, I almost kissed him. This is bad, really bad and yet I'm still smiling. For a moment I was almost a normal girl and I can't seem to be able to scold myself for being happy about that. As I close my eyes a number of things run through my mind, the Soldier's name, _James,_ the words he whispered to me just moments ago, and finally the tiny picture that showed a past life that I wish he could've had. That's the image I fall asleep to with a smile on my face.

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**Is anyone fangirling yet, because I sure am. ;) I hope you enjoyed the new chapter and please make sure to R&amp;R!**


	16. Chapter 16: Шоколад

****PLEASE READ, IF YOU DARE****

**Okay to start off, I am so so so so so sorry it's been ages since I've updated. School is stressing me out at the moment, not to mention it's my senior year and I'm going through kind of a rough patch involving my family. However personally I feel like that's not a good enough excuse.**

***I'm about to go off on a heartfelt rant so feel free to skip.***

**I just want to thank everyone that reads my story and those who like it enough to stick around. The reason I started writing it was because I didn't find too many stories about Natalia in the Red Room and how she became Natasha. The ones I did find stopped after a couple chapters or didn't seem right. Meaning either Nat/WS was out of character or some events that happened didn't seem fitting. So I decided to start writing what I thought happened between them in the Red Room, mind you I did a butt load of research. I hadn't the slightest clue so many people would like it. When I first started this I wasn't the best writer and grammar wasn't my best friend. Occasionally I go back and read through the chapters and fix any mistakes that I notice and for some reason I always seem to find more no matter how many times I read the same chapter over and over again. At one point I realized I wrote everything in the past tense like what the hell was that about. Anyway I want to thank those that read this, leave a review, like, and follow because sometimes I just lose interest and don't feel like writing and they really help to motivate me. Not to mention how helpful it is when you guys correct any mistakes I make in the chapters, it's really all of you who have helped my writing get better. I also would just like to mention that I would never abandon this story or decide to stop it without letting all of you know (which I don't plan on doing). Because I know how frustrating it is to wait for a story to update not knowing if it ever will. I'm still following a BuckyNat ff that hasn't updated in almost 3 years, I still have hope. So long story short, thank you for sticking around because we still got a long ways to go. I have big plans involving this story and there might even be a second book, but who knows. Also I may or may not have already made the cover for the second book, but who knows. ;) — Person that writes this story**

***End of heartfelt rant***

**Enjoy the chapter. :)**

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Our schedules are somewhat back to normal much to my relief. For the next few days we'll be training with the Soldier as a group, going over weapons and after those few days we'll go back to having individual sessions with him. We just finished eating breakfast and we're now on our way to the training room. I'm excited to see the Soldier but after last night I'm kind of nervous. When I woke up I wasn't even sure if last night was a dream or not, until I found Lena's bed empty. Most of the girls were quiet during breakfast but Ivan's smile still hasn't faltered since the performance. He's walking around like God just asked him to be his personal assistant.

Instead of going up the stairs to the second floor, we're led to the doors that lead outside. Footsteps can be heard from the staircase and soon the Soldier appears, stoic as ever. He opens the doors and guides us out into the cold. It isn't as cloudy as it's been for the past couple days so the sun balances out the winter air fairly well. We're escorted around the building to the clearing and the first thing I notice is 3 metal tables lined up next to each other. About 20 yards away are 6 targets shaped like the upper half of a person and there are red and white circular targets on the chest and face. Each table has 2 AK-107 assault rifles, the same ones the officers carry around and I'm just itching to get my hands on one. The Soldier stands back and waits for us to pick a table to stand at, Yelena and I go to the table that's at the far right and examine our weapon. The rifle is black, weights a little less than 4 kg, and is a little more than 940 mm long. Looking to the left, some girls have already started aiming at the targets. Soon all you can hear is the sound of gun shots but no one can quite hit the target. Lifting the rifle, I look through the scope and take aim. Pulling the trigger, I feel a jolt from the gun that's much stronger than the smaller one we used a couple days ago. I shoot a couple more times, then lower the rifle. I manage to hit the target but nowhere near the head or the chest. Lifting the rifle again, I aim and fire a couple more times. I'm able to graze the head of the target, gradually getting closer to the center but I can't seem to hit it. Milgred, who's standing at the table next to us, is the first to hit the bullseye on the chest. This encourages the other girls to try harder. Eventually, I'm able to get the bullseye on the head and the chest multiple times. Yelena turns to me with a smile, while Milgred gives me a not-so-friendly look I've never seen from her before. Looking back over at Yelena I see she hasn't hit the target once. Putting my gun down on the table, I step closer to help her.

"Put this part on your shoulder," I guide the stock of the gun to her right shoulder. "then place your left hand here. That should be easier." Lifting the rifle back up, she fires at the target and this time is able to hit it.

After another 20 minutes Milgred, Yelena, and I are the only ones who were able to hit the centers of the targets. Milgred hit hers once, Yelena was able to hit hers 6 times, and I was able to hit mine 12. I still missed a few times but I think with a little more practice I'll get the hang of it, Yelena too. Turning to face the Soldier, who I completely forgot was standing behind us, I find a man wearing a KGB uniform instead and next to him is Ivan. Ivan looks small compared to the man standing next to him. This man is tall, stocky, and hairy. Most of his face is covered in black hair and the bottom of his boots are stained red with blood. There's a trail behind him of red footprints so this must have happened recently. I know for sure it isn't the Soldier's because I can make out another set of footprints that leads back to the building, not to mention the Soldier's far to important to be killed. So who's blood is that?

"Follow me girls." The man mumbles in a gruff voice, turning around and walking back to the building with Ivan following close behind. Like a dog. We place our weapons back on the table and in a single file line we follow Ivan. As we round the building, a black van comes into view that wasn't there before. Holding the door open is Nikolay who looks ready to have a mental breakdown. Inside waiting is a few officers, the Soldier, and 4 more men wearing the same KGB uniform.

"These are officers from the KGB. They will be staying with us for a couple days." Without another word Ivan turns and follows the officers upstairs. They must be here to examine and study us, like the Soldier did on his first day. As Nikolay leads us up the stairs, we pass by a large puddle of blood that's still wet. Glancing up at the Soldier, I find him staring at it. His face is blank and so is his eyes, but his fists are clenched and his jaw is set. This is what gives away the Soldier's emotions and I'm thankful for it because it shows me that he's human, not a mindless killer like everyone else perceives him to be.

Madame Oksana's waiting for us as we step onto the 2nd floor. She hastily guides us into the ballet studio and shuts the door with a huff, leaning her head back against the wood. It's evident on her face that she's exhausted, there are bags under her eyes and she looks more pale than usual. Standing up straight, Madam Oksana fixes her hair and runs her hands down her dress to smooth out the wrinkles. She then makes her way across the room, her head held high.

"In position." She orders, stopping in the middle of the room. Her voice is uneven but she stands with the utmost authority. We line up across the room and go into first position. For the next two hours Madam Oksana shows us the moves to a new dance and as each minute passes she seems to relax and loosen up. If one of us messed up, she would give us a reassuring smile and tell us to try again. This was very much out of character for her but I can't lie and say I don't like it. I don't remember the last time I've seen Madam Oksana so relaxed like this.

"That will be all for today." She gives us a nod and exits the room. A few moments later Nikolay emerges in the doorway and we get in line to be escorted to Mr. Volkov's classroom. As we make our way down the hall, we pass Mr. Volkov's room and head towards the training room instead. The training room door opens and the Soldier emerges with a few KGB officers behind him. Stepping to the side, he lets the officers pass so Nikolay can lead us into the room. I immediately notice is a table with 6 decently sized knives displayed across it. We line up in front of the table as Nikolay and the Soldier stand on the other side facing us. Nikolay's looking at each and every one of us with a cocky smile on his face, not realizing the Soldier's staring down at him. Glancing up at the Soldier, Nikolay finally gets the hint and leaves the training room. As soon as the door closes the Soldier tells us to pick a knife. They're similar to the knife he gave me a little while ago except a little bigger. The handle is smooth while the blade is long and jagged.

"Today you'll be doing hand-to-hand combat. Pick a partner and don't get stabbed." The Soldier explains with a hint of humor in his voice that no one else seems to catch. To my surprise Wendeliena has already picked Yelena as a partner and the only girl left without a partner is Yulia. I can see it in her face that she's apprehensive to fight with me but I can also recognize a sense of determination burning in her eyes. We take our place on the mat right next to Milgred and Pouline who are already swinging at each other. Turning my attention back on Yulia, out of nowhere she grabs my arm and aims for my stomach. Reacting out of instinct, I grab her arm before her knife can pierce my skin and kick her legs out from under her. She falls to the mat with a yelp but quickly gets back up. Yulia then starts circling me in an attempt to intimidate me which isn't really working. The fear and uncertainty is too evident on her face. She lunges at me again this time going for my face. Grabbing her arm, I slam my head against hers and flip her over onto the mat. It almost seems like she's trying to seriously hurt me, which she should know isn't very wise. She stands back up but before she can make the first move again, I swing my knife at her. She's barely able to dodge it and nearly falls back onto the mat. Again I make the first move and manage to graze her cheek. Something then shifts in her eyes and her body language changes. Almost like it's a completely different person. I block out the sounds of the girls fighting and the burning gaze from someone who is watching from afar. Instead I zero in on Yulia and every little thing she's doing. Her breathing is completely even and she's gripping her knife to the point that her knuckles are now white. I don't dare make the first move. Her eyes shift so quickly I almost miss it. She then jolts towards me but I back up and kick her in the chest. Yulia stumbles back but is quick to recuperate. Thrusting her knife at me again, I hold my arms up to block her but she doesn't stop. Instead she keeps thrusting and lunging at me her sole purpose to make me bleed. I manage to block another one of her attempts and I'm able to make a decently sized gash on her upper right arm. She steps back in shock and I take that moment to look around and find everyone watching us. Yulia lunges at me again, her eyes filled with rage. I don't know what has gotten into her, maybe she remembers what I did to her not too long ago or her being wiped just caused her to snap but whatever it is she needs to stop before she does something really stupid. Taking ahold of both of her hands, I twist both of them to the side and swing my leg up to connect with her head. Yulia falls to the ground unconscious and immediately Pouline and Wendeliena drag her to the edge of the mat to see if she's okay. Walking over to where Yelena and Milgred are, I glance up at the Soldier who's standing behind them and notice that he almost looks pleased but I can't be too sure.

"Pouline." The Soldier orders, stepping onto the mat and pulling out his knife from his belt. Pouline looks up almost in horror but nonetheless reluctantly approaches the Soldier, the grip on her knife tight. He twirls the knife in his right hand subconsciously, waiting for Pouline to get in position. She holds her knife up and waits, debating on if she should make the first move. But the Soldier quickly makes that decision for her and tries slashing at her face, he's not going to go easy on us. He manages to make a small cut on the bridge of her nose that immediately starts to bleed. One after the other more and more cuts appear all over Pouline and she looks just about to give up. Finally he dismisses her with a nod, allowing her to stand back in line with the rest of us. The Soldier then looks over at Yelena who looks uneasy but confident. Wendeliena has a few cuts here and there from Yelena so I hope she can land at least one on the Soldier, she's been doing surprisingly well the past couple days and I think she might even be one of the last girls in the program. If I don't make it out of here, I hope Yelena does. As soon as Yelena makes it onto the mat the Soldier lunges at her. Surprisingly she moves away just in time and kicks at one of his legs. The Soldier doesn't budge and instead grabs one of her arms and flings her to the ground. Yelena manages to barley catch herself and doesn't waste time getting back in position. The Soldier again attacks first but Yelena moves out of the way and tries to cut at the Soldier's chest. The knife didn't pierce his uniform but the Soldier still looks pleased she managed to land one on him. Yelena gets back in line with a smile and Wendeliena takes her place in front of the Soldier. It doesn't take long for the amount of cuts on Wendeliena to double and she soon walks off the mat in shame.

"Natalia." The Soldier calls for me while his back is turned. I tighten the grip on my knife as I approach him and notice he's cleaning the blood from his knife off on his right sleeve. I wait for him to turn around but instead he takes his sweet time cleaning his weapon. I start to get irritated knowing he's just messing with me. Right when I'm about to charge at him, the Soldier spins around and swings at my face. His blade scrapes my cheek but not deep enough to draw blood. Falling to the floor, I use all of my strength to kick his feet out from under him. He falls to the mat with a loud thud and I fling myself onto him, my knife at the ready. Before I can get anywhere near his face, since that's the only part of his body that's showing, he grabs me by my forearms and flips us over so he's on top. The Soldier holds down both of my arms above my head and a faint smirk appears on his face which makes my irritation grow. Slamming my head against his which makes the amusement promptly disappear, I manage to pull my right arm out from his grip and slash at his face. His head snaps to the right as blood starts to drip onto my right cheek. Bringing my legs up against my chest, I place my feet against his stomach and push him off of me. Sitting up, I look over and see the Soldier grinning up at the ceiling. As we both get to our feet, he dismisses me with a nod as he wipes at his cheek with the back of his hand. Milgred is the only one left to go against the Soldier and doesn't look all that excited. She's biting at her lip nervously as she steps onto the training mat. The Soldier goes a little easier on Milgred than the rest of us but she's still barley holding her own. Soon enough the Soldier's finished with her and she has almost just as much injuries as Wendeliena. The Soldier places his knife back in his belt and makes his way to the door. We all place our knives back on the table and follow him. Looking over towards the corner of the room, I see Yulia still on the floor unconscious and I wonder what will happen to her now. When he opens the door, Ivan and the same KGB officers are waiting for us. The Soldier holds the door open for us as we exit the room but instead of following us out, he goes back in the room and closes the door. We follow Ivan downstairs to the dining room where we'll be eating dinner. Today went by fairly quickly and for some reason I'm already looking forward to tomorrow. When we enter the dining room a few more officers are present as well as the rest of the KGB officers. They're all standing at the back of the room at attention. As we eat dinner they don't move a muscle and they don't seem to mind when the girls start to strike up a conversation. When we finish eating dinner Nikolay accompanies us up to the third floor to wash up. Most of the girls need to take their time because the blood from their cuts dried up during dinner, making it harder to wash off. Turning the shower on, I duck my head under the cold water. As the water runs over my face I feel a slight sting on my cheek from where the Soldier cut me. I finish scrubbing my body and turn the water off. The other girls finish at the same time and we all start to get dressed. Clothes is always left by the door when we shower, sometimes Nikolay or Madame Oksana drops it off. But this time it's Nikolay who brought us our clothes, I know this because he's standing by the door watching us get ready. I quickly throw my clothes on not wanting Nikolay's gaze on me for long. When we all finish getting dressed, we line up by the door and follow Nikolay down the hall towards the stairs. As we make our way down the hall, the Soldier turns the corner and passes us on his way to the washroom. The Soldier keeps his eyes forward, not daring to glance at any of us. Just as he passes me, he lets his right hand brush against mine making a smile appear on my face. Thankfully no one notices because I'm the last one in line. When we reach the basement, Nikolay starts cuffing us to the bed. Just as he tightens the cuff around my wrist, Yulia walks into the basement. She doesn't look at anyone and just gets in her bed hand cuffing herself without a word. Nikolay goes to check her cuffs, then leaves the room. It's quiet, almost like theres no one in the room. I lay there staring at the dark ceiling, waiting for everyone to fall asleep. 45 minutes later I can hear everyone's even breathing. Reaching under my mattress, I find the key that I'm now hiding there and unlock the cuff. It was too risky hiding it under my pillow, anyone could have lifted it up and found it.

I know sneaking around is risky, especially with the KGB lurking around but I need to get to the roof. I know no one's in the kitchen because the lights are off but I still check just to make sure. It's quiet, but I don't expect the KGB officers to be very chatty. They carry themselves different than the Red Room officers, they seem much more professional and dry.

Making my way towards the stairs, I notice the rest of the lights are off in the building but this doesn't make me put down my guard. This is probably one of the worst ideas I've ever had, apart from pretty much every other decision I've made. Quickly, but quietly I take two steps at a time all the way up to the 8th floor. Not wasting any time, I open the door and my eyes immediately find the Soldier. He's sitting at the edge of the building wearing a white shirt and sweatpants that I'm really starting to like on him. Taking a seat next to him, we stay quiet for a few moment. No words are really needed. Glancing over at him, I notice the cut I made on his left cheek. The skin around it is red but nothing really to worry about, I almost feel proud. I try not to because pride can get to your head and that will make you reckless. I don't turn my head back when the Soldier looks over at me. Instead of turning back around like I expected, he holds his hand out. Opening my hand, he drops a small object covered in a shiny red wrapper. The Soldier also has one and I watch as he starts to open it. Doing the same, I peel away the wrapper to find something I've heard about and shamefully dreamed about many times. Chocolate. Turning back to face the Soldier, I watch as he pops it in his mouth. Looking down at the one in my hand one last time, I place the candy in my mouth. Almost instantly it starts to melt. Creamy chocolate slowly disintegrating on my tongue. It's probably the most delicious thing I've ever had. The food they serve us isn't really tasty but this is like nothing I could have ever imagined. Surprisingly I feel tears welling up, but I don't dare let them spill over. It's not that I'm afraid of crying in front of the Soldier, I don't think there's much I'm afraid to do when it comes to him but it's more like I don't want to admit this weakness. I'm becoming weak, because I care. I care about Yelena and the Soldier, that's weakness. Now I'm crying over chocolate, it's like I don't know myself anymore. But even though I'm having all of these feels, I just can't seem to bring myself to hate it.

I'm not sure how long we sat there but all we did was watch the colors, occasionally glancing at one another. Neither of us talked, because there wasn't much to say. Instead we enjoyed the city, with the faint taste of chocolate still on our tongues and a distant stinging on our cheeks.

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**Шоколад (Shokolad)- Chocolate**

**I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter. Please R&amp;R, it helps me out a lot.**


	17. Chapter 17: Numb

**THIS CHAPTER MAY BE TRIGGERING FOR SOME PEOPLE**

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The sun should start to rise any second but until then I stare up at the ceiling, twirling the Soldier's knife in my hands. I've been up for the past 2 hours but instead of going up to the training room, I decided to just lay in bed until Nikolay comes to get us. My mind has been, numb. I've been thinking about all sorts of things for the past few hours but I just feel so indifferent about it all for some reason. Looking over at the other girls I find them sound asleep. A sense of peacefulness washes over me as the first ray of light shines through the window. I only get to enjoy the peace and quiet for a few more seconds before I hear the sound of footsteps in the kitchen. Placing the Soldier's knife under my mattress, I cuff my hand to the bed and close my eyes. Nikolay reaches the final step and stands there for a moment, quiet. I then realize that this isn't Nikolay because he can't keep his mouth shut for more than 30 seconds. The person then starts to stroll up and down the line of beds, stopping every few feet. Instead of yelling to wake us up, he walks up to Yelena's bed and uncuffs her hand first. One by one he takes our cuffs off, then stands at the front of the room.

"Vstavay damy! U vas yest' 3 minuty! (Get up ladies! You have 3 minutes!)" The officer shouts at the top of his lungs. A KGB officer stands with his hands behind his back and his face blank, void of any emotions. He has blonde hair, black beady eyes, and it looks as though he hasn't shaved in a few days. The officer doesn't look twice at any of us, almost like he could care less. He then turns and leaves the basement. A few girls look at each other in confusion but instead of asking questions we just get ready for the day. A few minutes later the officer returns and we get in line to be led to the dining room. The officer leads the way, not looking back at us once.

When we enter the dining room, Ivan and a few Red Room and KGB officers are waiting for us. The room is filled with an intensity that makes me not want to make eye contact with anyone. We take our seats at the table and wait for our food. The room is quiet, almost like everyone's holding their breath. Peaking up towards the front of the room, I see the Red Room officers glancing nervously at the KGB officers. I know they're intimidated, they should be. The KGB has a reputation. As we eat I notice the other girls glancing at each other, a silent conversation passing between them.

The sound of heavy footsteps break the silence and everyone turns to find the Soldier entering the room. To my amusement the KGB officers, as well as everyone else, straighten up making it very clear who gives off the most power and dominion in the room. I hope to have the same affect on people like the Soldier does in the future. As he approaches the front of the room, he takes his place next to Ivan. Turning my head back around to face Milgred, I notice she's playing with her food and biting her lip. Every now and then she glances up to look at the officers but then snaps her eyes back down to her plate. The only thing I can come up with on why she's acting this way is because the KGB officers are making her nervous, everyone's a little on edge since they've got here. But the way she's acting is making me think something else is up. Maybe she wasn't wiped completely, or she's done or seen something she wasn't suppose to. Whatever it is she's making it very obvious.

After a few minutes Ivan orders us to stand up and line up by the door since most of us have finished eating. The Soldier strides pass us and waits by the door giving me a chance to finally look at him properly without looking suspicious. He has bags under his eyes and his hair is a bit messy but other than that he looks alert and ready to follow orders.

The Soldier makes his way towards the front doors of the building and opens them, allowing all of the cold air to fill the room. The other officers follow us out but instead of going around the building to the clearing we line up right outside the doors, turning around to face Ivan and the other officers. A few officers make their way around us and stand beside the Soldier.

"You'll be running today girls." Ivan steps forward. He speaks with a strong sense of authority in his voice that doesn't quite fit him. Since the KGB arrived, Ivan has felt the need to impress them. Whether that means bossing the officers around or acting like he's better than everyone else. He doesn't say anything else after that so the girls steal uncertain glances at each other. After a few minutes Yulia begins to run and we follow behind her. We start off slow and gradually pick up speed. We've never actually spent time running but since we've trained inside for so long none of us are really out of breath. We're all running at the same speed, none of us really trying to pass each other. Ivan never told us how many times we need to circle the building so we just keep running.

As we round the corner towards the front doors for the 5th time, I cast my eyes down to not make eye contact with any of the officers. I've noticed that every time one of the girls look directly at one of the KGB officers, especially the officer that came to get us yesterday from the clearing and the one who woke us up this morning, they would glare at us. So to not cause any issue, because I know they feel they have the right to call us out on it, I keep my eyes on the ground. My feet at this point is numb which makes running much easier. It takes away the pain and allows me to run faster. However, it must be having the opposite effect on the other girls because they start to slow down. I've lost count of how long we've been running and what lap we're on. At this point it doesn't really matter. After the first few laps I eventually noticed where Ivan's office is. It wasn't very hard to find considering his office is the only room without the window being boarded up. If I were to escape, and I'm not saying I'm going to, that would be my best bet. His office is around 70 feet high so if I were to jump I would surely end up breaking something. Maybe I could somehow get a rope- no, that's a terrible idea. Even if by some miracle I'm able to escape, that still doesn't guarantee I won't be caught. I need to stop having these thoughts, or else I'm going to get myself killed.

I'm still not sure how long we've been running but it feels like hours. Ivan finally allows us to stop running and it takes everything in me to not collapse on the ground. The cold air has my throat dry and my eyes watering. Ivan walks over to the doors and holds them open for us as we make our way inside. There's not really much of a difference but I'm thankful for the slight change in temperature. My eyes find the spot where there was a puddle of blood just yesterday, a dark stain now taking it's place. A shiver runs through me just thinking about who that could have been. Forcing my eyes up, I try to focus on the back of Yulia's head instead. The blond officer who got us this morning walks past us and guides us up the stairs to the 2nd floor, Ivan nor the others following us. He opens the door to Mr. Volkov's classroom and we take our seat at the tables. The first thing I notice that's different is the medium sized bookcase that's against the left side of the room, I also notice that there are a few maps hanging on the wall. The officer closes the door and takes his place at the front of the room with his hands behind his back.

"My name is Mr. Leonov. I am your new teacher." He announces, pausing so we can take in what he just said. Something in my mind clicks and I realize who's blood that was downstairs. Deep down I knew it was him but the realization still makes me feel, numb.

Mr. Leonov strides over to the bookshelf and grabs a book that reads 'History of Russia' in big letters, opening to a random page. He begins pacing up and down the room, walking past all of us. Eventually he stops in front of Wendeliena and looks down at her.

"What's the capital of Russia?" He questions her, his voice making her flinch.

"Moscow." She answers and he continues down the line. Question after question he asks us and we get them all right until he gets to Milgred.

"What year did Catherine the Great become the Empress of Russia?" Mr. Leonov stares down at her making Milgred more nervous.

"17...63?" She looks up at him hopefully. In the blink of an eye Milgred is on the ground, her left cheek beginning to turn a bright red. Mr. Leonov turns to the person next to her, which happens to be Yelena, waiting for the right answer.

"1762." Yelena answers correctly. Milgred gets back in her seat and tries with all of her power to keep herself together. Mr. Leonov eventually gets to me and looks down at me as though I'm the dirt he walks on. The KGB officers don't think very highly of us and that's probably because all they see are little girls. I'm not sure how they're trained in the KGB but I'm sure they're much more experienced with weapons than we are. However, this might just be me being cocky, but I like to think that I can beat them if given the chance.

"Who was the last czar of Russia?" He waits for my answer, his foot tapping the floor impatiently.

"Nicholas II." I answer not taking my eyes off of him making him glare down at me harder. Mr. Leonov continues asking us questions, only a few other girls get answers wrong resulting in them being slapped. Eventually Mr. Leonov decides he's done with us and just leaves the room without a word. Ivan soon enters the room and we stand up to follow him out. He leads us to the training room where a couple of officers and the Soldier stand waiting for us. Ivan tells us to line up on the mat and wait. He goes over to the officers and they begin talking. After a few minutes they stop and the officer from yesterday, I heard Ivan call him 'Sadovsky', makes his way onto the mat. He studies each of us carefully until his eyes land on Yelena. She takes a step forward while we step off of the mat to give them room. A feral look takes over the officer's face, making Yelena's eyes widen in fear. Sadovsky without warning lunges at her and Yelena barely has enough time to jump out of the way. He's fast but sloppy, Yelena notices this and a look of determination washes over her face. Not wasting any time, Yelena catches the punch Sadovsky throws at her and twists his hand back making him grunt in pain. She swings her leg and manages to kick him in the stomach but Sadovsky surprises Yelena by slamming his head against hers. Yelena takes a few steps back to recover but Sadovsky knocks her to the ground and lands a few punches to her face. Eventually Ivan tells the officer to stop and Yelena gets back in line with us. Her left eye is already starting to swell and her nose is bleeding but it's nothing too serious. Sadovsky calls for Pouline next and she doesn't do so good. She did manage to get a few hits in but she couldn't take anymore after Sadovsky slammed his head against hers causing her forehead to immediately start bleeding. She probably has a concussion by the way she keeps swaying and almost falling over. Next is Milgred who looks absolutely terrified. Sadovsky smirks at this and he doesn't waste time in tackling her to the ground. Before he can smash his fist into her face, she moves her head to the side and tries to wiggle out from under him. But he's too heavy for her to really get anywhere, so he drags Milgred to her feet and punches her stomach. She doubles over, trying to catch her breath but Sadovsky doesn't hold back. Punching the side of her head, she falls to the floor. Sadovsky's about to slam his foot onto her face but Ivan stops him and Milgred tries to get off of the mat as quickly as possible. Sadovsky is brutal when he fights but he's very sloppy and uncoordinated, he has no strategy. His eyes eventually land on me and I calmly make my way onto the mat. I'm a bit curious on how this will turn out because Sadovsky's very big which may be a disadvantage to me but I'm still excited. The one thing that is predictable about him is that he always attacks first which will be very helpful to me. He's strong and fast but nothing compared to the Soldier, especially since the Soldier holds back with us so much.

Without warning Sadovsky lunges at me, attempting to get me into a headlock. But since I knew he would do that I step to the side and he falls to the ground. As I wait for him to get back to his feet, I notice his ears begin to turn red from embarrassment and anger. Again he tries to tackle me down but what I don't expect is for him to kick my feet out from under me instead. My back hits the mat hard and Sadovsky traps me down under him by pinning my legs down with his knees. Before he can pin down my arms I grab the front of his uniform and slam my head against his, blood immediately pouring from his nose. Wiggling my right leg out from under him, I place my foot against his stomach and kick him off of me. I can feel something warm running down my face but I don't pay any mind to it as I get to my feet. At this point Sadovsky is seething and when he glances back and sees how pleased Ivan looks, he begins shaking with rage. This guy has some issues. Taking a couple steps back, I distance myself from him so he won't try to tackle me again. Sadovsky wipes at his nose then gets into position to charge at me and I do the same. Just as he begins to run, I wait until he's a few feet away and then start to lunge towards him. Just as he's in arms reach, I run behind him at the last minute and climb onto his back. Swinging my leg over and onto his shoulder, I tighten my legs around his neck. Using his size to my advantage, I maneuvere my body towards the ground and use his weight to flip us over. We both hit the mat hard but I don't loosen my hold on his neck. Sadovsky claws at my leg trying to get me to let him go, but I don't until Ivan finally tells me I can stop. Unwinding my legs from around him, I walk off the mat ignoring the bloody scratches on my leg. The Soldier glances over at me and the corner of his mouth twitches, his way of telling me I did a good job. This makes me want to smile and my ego's far too big right now to really care that he's making me want to do that. So I instead look down at my feet for the rest of the time until we're eventually being led out of the trainIng room by Ivan.

When we enter the dining room for lunch, there are a few officers already waiting for us. Taking our seats, the rest of the officers and the Soldier enter in after us. As we wait for our food some of the Red Room officers begin to talk and soon even the KGB officers join in. Eventually the tension in the room is almost non-existent. The girls begin to talk too as they eat. None of the officers dare to try and talk to the Soldier so the only ones not really in a conversation is Yelena, the Soldier, and me which I'm more than fine with. It isn't until we're halfway done eat when I finally realize Milgred isn't in the room and no one else seems to notice either. Eventually the conversations die down and we're lining up at the door to be led upstairs. Milgred still nowhere in sight. Madam Oksana is waiting for us at the top of the stairs, standing tall and stiff. She looks tense and exhausted, like she hasn't gotten much sleep. When we enter the room, she closes the door locking everyone out. We don't waste time in getting ready and soon the music is playing and we begin to dance. Every now and then I glance at the door waiting for Milgred to walk in but as time passes she still doesn't show up. I begin to worry because I'm sure someone has noticed by now and is looking for her. I hope she's not doing something stupid.

Not long after we start our routine again for the 4th time, we hear yelling from the 3rd floor. A few seconds later Ivan barges in, his face red with anger. The music stops and we wait to see what he's going to say. Behind him we can see an officer carrying a body. It's Milgred.

"She was a coward!" Ivan yells, not really at us but just as a statement. "She was weak and pathetic! She couldn't take it!"

The realization makes my stomach drop and some girls gasp. I feel a number of things. Dread, disgust, anger, guilt. The way she was acting today was unusual but I never would have thought she would do something like this. I guess she couldn't take it anymore, she knew she wouldn't make it.

Ivan paces up and down the room, mumbling things to himself and then leaves. Pouline's the only one that cries, the other girls try to keep it together as the music starts back up and we begin to dance. So many things flash through my mind. Like how I could have seen that coming or paid attention to her behavior more. But I just find myself agreeing with Ivan. She _was_ weak, she _was_ a coward. She wasn't a survivor. She just gave up. That's not fair. After everything she's been through she just gives up. It's like she did it all for nothing.

As I think about it more I can't help but feel sorry for her. I thought her training was going well but I guess she accepted the fact that she wasn't going to make it to the end.

Madam Oksana let's us stop early and she's the one that takes us to the showers. The first thing we notice is the noose hanging from a pipe coming out from the ceiling. It looks like it was made using a sheet. I know Ivan left that there on purpose but I really hope he takes it down soon. Walking past the mirrors, I see the dried blood on my face. Turning the shower on and letting the water wash over my face, I watch as the blood washes down the drain. Closing my eyes, I try to stop thinking. The room is quiet, except for the sound of the showers. An overwhelming feeling begins to build in my chest and I try my hardest to force it down.

When we finish showering, we quickly get dressed and head to the dining room. It's quiet as we eat. Ivan's not in the room and neither is the Soldier. I wonder what they'll do with her body. What have they done with all the other girls bodies?

Mr. Leonov is the one to take us to the basement. After he cuffs our hands he stands at the door for about 30 minutes, making sure we fall asleep. When he leaves and the entire building goes quiet I take the Soldier's knife out from under my mattress and begin twirling it in my hand. The quiet is relaxing and peaceful. For the 4th time today I feel, numb. She's not here anymore. She's not important anymore. She's not my competition anymore. She's gone and I should feel happy, but I feel nothing. Maybe that's for the best. Now's there's only 5 of us left and I can't be affected by things like this. Death isn't something uncommon to us and I need to not be so bothered by it or else I'll be the next one to die.

* * *

**I'm sorry I'm a bit late but you don't know how stressful this month has been. First of all I finally graduated high school so thank God for that. This month I also was super busy with family and on top of that I had a bunch of this chapter already done about 2000 words and wouldn't you know it, it all got deleted and I had to start all over. I also had a mental breakdown at 2 in the morning after that happened so that was fun.**


	18. Chapter 18: Four

His metal arm is pressed against mine as we stare up at the cracked ceiling. His arm isn't cold anymore, the heat from my body warming it. It was a last minute decision to go to the training room and I was grateful to find the Soldier waiting for me. A couple officers are still awake, walking aimlessly around the building. Ivan probably told them to keep an eye on us but sneaking past them was easy enough. I know we can't stay up here for long but whatever time we get is enough. Turning my head to look at the Soldier, I find him with his eyes closed and I admire how peacful he looks. If I didn't know better, I would think he was asleep. The stubble on his face is more noticeable and his lips are dry and pale. I find myself liking it. My eyes move lower until they land on the red star on his upper arm. Without thinking, I turn over onto my side. Placing my right arm under my head, I begin tracing the star with my left index finger. The Soldier snaps his eyes open, obviously startled by this but his face soon relaxes and he ends up just watching me trace my finger over the design. The metal is smooth and still warm from my body pressing against it. The feelings bubbling in my chest makes me feel angry and disappointed in myself but at the same time excited. I've never felt this way before, it's new and confusing to me. We lay like this for a few more minutes until I sit up. The Soldier sits up too, getting the hint that it's time to go back to our rooms. I don't want to leave but we don't have much of a choice. Walking out of the training room, I feel the Soldier's eyes on me as I make my way down the stairs and out of sight. As I reach the 1st floor I find an officer standing with his back facing the basement. Quietly sneaking behind him, I make my way down the few stairs into the basement and back into bed.

No one talks during breafast, just the sound of forks against plates filling the room. Ivan's still upset, I can tell by the way he keeps clenching and unclenching his fists. Pouline now sits in front of me and her eyes are still red from crying.

The day drags on slowly. We have our class with Mr. Leonov, which he goes over encrypting and how to infiltrate a database. We then go to Madam Oksana and practice our routine for a few hours. We eat lunch and now we're in the training room getting ready to do more shooting. We've been told that the Black Widow will be more of a hand-to-hand assassin, so most of what the Black Widow is going to do will be close range. But learning how to shoot, especially from a distance, is important. We're not using the assault rifles today, much to my dismay, but it's still nice to have a weapon in my hand. We practice our shooting for a little more than an hour. All of us doing pretty well. We're all able to hit the target, however me and Yelena are the only ones who manage to hit the center of it. Halfway through our target practice, Ivan and a couple officers leave the room. The only ones left being Mr. Leonov, Sadovsky, 2 other officers and the Soldier. None of them commenting on our shooting. Afterwards, we clear away the targets to make room on the training mat to spar. Wendeliena gets paired up with Sadovsky, Yulia with a Red Room officer, Yelena with the Red Room officer that punished me who's name I discovered is Anton. Pouline is with the Soldier and I get paired up with Mr. Leonov. We each pick a section of the mat that's a good distance away from each other to give everyone room and we begin to fight. Yulia and Yelena are holding their own pretty well with the Red Room officers. Wendeliena is struggling to keep up with Sadovsky but still manages to get hits in here and there. The Soldier is going easy on Pouline but she has yet to actually hit him.

Turning to face Leonov, I find him smirking at me. He has a unhinged glint in his eyes that unsettles me but I make sure he can't sense it. He makes the first move much to my relief. Catching his punch, I flip him over and onto his back. Leonov quickly recovers and gets back onto his feet. His smirk still isn't gone as he runs towards me again. I dodge his punch again but just as I do that he kicks my feet out from under me. Instead of getting on top of me like I expected, he grabs the front of my shirt and forces me up onto my feet. Pushing me back a little, he gives himself room to try and kick me in the stomach but I manage to grab his foot and twist it. Leonov let's out a painful grunt. Pulling on his leg, I throw him to the ground and start to punch him one after the other. His nose starts to bleed immediately but I don't stop. Suddenly, I feel his hand grab a fist full of my hair and yank my head back. He flips us over so he's on top and manages to punch me in the jaw, a coppery taste filling my mouth. Before he can get another one in, I spit blood in his face momentarily distracting him. This gives me a chance to jerk my knee up to connect with his crotch. Leonov let's out a painful groan and falls to the side, clutching between his legs. Sitting up, I wipe the blood from my mouth and find Ivan and the other officers watching us. Swallowing the blood that keeps building in my mouth, I cross my legs and watch the others fight. Yelena and Yulia are doing pretty well against the Red Room officers. Wendeliena however is still struggling against Sadovsky, both of their faces are covered in cuts and bruises. Pouline is also struggling with the Soldier as well. Though he's going easy on her, she's still having a hard time. Her nose is bleeding, her bottom lip is swollen, a bruise in the shape of a hand print is already starting to appear on her left leg, and the Soldier has yet to break a sweat. Out of nowhere, I feel someone grab a fist full of my hair and pull me back. Biting my tongue to keep myself from screaming, I hold onto the person's arm and dig my nails into him. Trying to turn my head back, I catch a glimpse of Leonov with a sadistic grin plastered onto his face. The blood from his nose has run down onto his teeth making him look insane. He releases my hair but before he has a chance to do anything else, I quickly get to my feet. He rushes at me and grabs a hold of my neck, slamming me to the ground. His grip tightens as he chokes me and I can feel my face begin to heat up from the loss of oxygen. He's looking straight down at me, his smile not wavering for a second. Bringing my legs up, I wrap them around his neck and begin to choke him as well. Moving the lower half of my body up, I then jerk my hips back down to the mat. His head comes down to connect with mine and he lets out a pained yelp. His grip on my neck loosens and I kick him off of me. Sitting up, I try to catch my breath as Leonov holds his head as it begins to bleed. I don't waste time and tackle him down, putting him in a headlock. Tightening my hold on him, he struggles and kicks trying to get me to let go. Leonov then starts to swing his fists behind him to try and punch me but I move my head away each time. I squeeze my arm tighter against his neck until he stops struggling and goes limp. He's not dead but he is unconcious. Laying my head back against the mat, I closing my eyes and try to even out my breathing. After a few seconds, I finally push him off of me and stand up. Everyone has stopped fighting and is now staring at me and the unconcious body on the floor. The girls stare at Leonov sprawled out on the mat in amusement. Walking over to them, we watch as a few officers rush to Leonov to make sure he isn't dead. Lifting him up, they carry him out of the training room. The taste of blood lingers in my mouth, the saltiness of it making my mouth tingle. Ivan and some of the officers are talking and we just stand to the side and wait until we're given instructions on what to do now. Looking over at the Soldier, I find him staring at me. I'm surprised he's doing it so blatantly but no one's really paying attention. His face is blank, no surprise there, but the way he's looking at me makes me feel self conscious. Is there something on my face? I'm sure I look a mess. Covered in cuts, bruises, and blood but nothing he hasn't seen before. Glancing over at Pouline, I find her looking pretty beaten up. Her nose is bleeding, her eye is already swollen, as well as her lip, and she's now limping a little bit on her left leg. But all in all, the Soldier went fairly easy on her. That thought sends shivers down my spine. What damage can he really do? What if he doesn't hold back with me? I'd surely be dead in no time no doubt about it. But I would like to see the Soldier fight with out having to use restraint. I'm sure it's a breathtaking sight.

The Soldier finally tears his eyes away from me as Ivan approaches. He leads us out of the training room and to the 3rd floor so we can shower. I'm eager to rip my clothes off and feel the cold water wash away the sweat and blood. The blood I don't really mind, but I hate feeling sweaty and hot. Ivan waits outside of the room for us but he keeps his back facing the door at all times. When we finish, he leads us to the basement so we can change. Again he waits outside. None of the girls speak but there's a comfortable silence that passes between us. I never thought things would be like this. With the other girls from before it was so tense between us. They hated me and I was always looking over my shoulder because I didn't trust them. I knew any chance they could get they would try and hurt me or humiliate me. With these girls I know better than to trust them but there's something between us that makes me feel more comfortable and at ease with them. This is a dangerous thing to feel especially towards my competition but I've known them for so long. I can't help but feel a closness with them even though we don't speak to each other and I know it's wrong.

When we finish changing Ivan takes us to the dining hall for dinner. We eat in silence. Looking over at Ivan I can't tell what he's feeling, which is strange because I can read him like a book. He holds his hands behind his back and his face is completely void of any emotion. The Soldier stands next to him staring straight ahead and I can sense that the Soldier still makes him feel nervous but that's not out of the ordinary. He makes everyone nervous. I wish I knew what Ivan was thinking. I don't trust his judgement because the KGB is influencing him too much. He feels the need to prove himself and impress them and that can make someone do very stupid things.

After we finish eating we're escorted by Ivan to the basement. He's the one to cuff us and he stands at the door for an hour until he's sure we're all asleep. Exhaustion crashes down on me the moment he leaves the room. I didn't know I was this tired. I want so badly to go up and see the Soldier, not wanting him to wait too long for me, but I'm already drifting off to sleep before I can object.

The sound of yelling forces us awake. Bolting up right, it takes me a few seconds to realize it's still dark out. Ivan rushes into the room, an angry, crazed, and excited look dancing in his eyes.

"Something very unexpected has happened ladies and I'm very excited to show you." He explains happily, his smile spreading from one ear to the other. Sadovsky comes in and quickly uncuffs us, the sleepiness from his eyes still noticeable. Ivan must have just woken everyone up. Looking around quickly as we're being led out of the basement, I notice a girl missing. I don't have time to figure out who it is because the front doors to the building are being open and we're thrown outside into the cold. The Soldier and a few other officers stand waiting for us. The Soldier's hair is tosseled and his eyes have a hint of drowsiness in them indicating he also has just been forced out of bed. Ivan walks around to face us, his smile not wavering for a second.

"You ladies must be wondering why I dragged you out here all of a sudden?" He questions us, tilting his head to the side as if he's speaking to a bunch of children. "Well that's why."

Ivan steps aside and points out into the darkness behind him. It takes us a couple seconds for our eyes to adjust but what we see is undeniable. Someone, probably 50 or 60 yards away from us, is running. I know what they're doing and after looking around I know exactly who it is. Yulia. She's trying to escape.

My blood runs cold at the realization. How could she be so stupid? How could she think she could actually get away? Part of me feels sorry for her because we all know what's about to happen, but the other part of me feels hope that she'll actually escape. She gets smaller and smaller as she continues to run, nearing the line of trees. Ivan turns to the Soldier and nods to him. The Soldier then makes his way to the front past everyone and takes the rifle that Sadovsky holds out for him. Lifting the rifle with both hands, the Soldier places it on his right shoulder. I look back and forth between Yulia and the Soldier, anticipation and worry coursing through me. When the Soldier pulls the trigger you can barely hear the shot, a single shell casing falls to the ground. Yulia collapses into the snow and doesn't move. He never misses. The Soldier hands the rifle back to Sadovsky while another officer goes to retrieve Yulia's body which is right on front of the dark forest. She almost made it. The excitement on Ivan's face has faded by now and he just looks tired. Ordering Sadovsky to take us to the training room, Ivan walks pass the Soldier who is watching the officer carry Yulia around the building. I admire her for what she tried to do. I'm too scared to try and pull something like that. I fear the punishment. Looking over at the other girls, I see them with their arms wrapped around themselves looking cold and fragile like they're about to breakdown any second. With a sigh, I turn back around and stare at the back of the Soldier's head. The numbers of us is decreasing a lot faster than I thought it would. Following Sadovsky, he leads us back into the building.

As we enter the training room, Sadovsky lines us up and we wait for the others. Soon Ivan, the Soldier, and the other officers join us. Ivan's eyes hold stress and exhaustion in them but also something else. He looks detached. Ivan orders us to do a series of push ups, jumping jacks, and lunges. Afterwards he tells us to pick a partner and to fight with them. Me and Pouline go against each other for a few hours. She holds her own pretty well but she never actually hits me. I dont know what point or lesson Ivan's trying to get across but I feel as though he's starting to lose it. I don't think he knows what he got himself into. He has a lot on his shoulders. The KGB now breathing down his back, having to keep an eye on the Soldier, and now his girls are dropping like flies. I don't feel sorry for him. I don't feel sorry for Milgred or Yulia either. They made their choice. Ivan has made his choices as well and now he has to deal with the consequences. But I have no doubt he's on a road to destruction.

After 2 hours of fighting, Ivan finally tells us to stop. He takes the officers and the Soldier to the side to talk. Yelena, Pouline, Wendeleina, and I sit on the mat in a circle facing each other.

"Why would she do that?" Wendeliena speaks up quietly, her voice uneven. Her eyes are watery but she doesn't dare let herself cry. I don't know what Ivan will do if he were to see one of us cry. Before we would be punished but now I can't be certain on if we'll just be killed instead or not.

"I don't know. We agreed that we'd do it tomorrow night." Pouline whispers back. They were mostly talking to each other, not really me or Yelena. "I guess that plan is out the window."

The realization makes me want to yell and scream at them. They were planning an escape. How could they possibly think that was a good idea?

"Yeah, but we could still try though." Wendeliena suggests, rubbing at her eyes. Clenching my jaw, I try not to shout.

"Are you stupid?" I whisper harshly at them through clenched teeth. "Are you trying to get yourself killed? Do you not understand the position we're in right now? If we make the slightest wrong move they won't hesitate to put a bullet in our head. You can't leave this place alive, everyone that's tried is proof enough. Now get this fantasy that you can escape and live happily ever after out of your head. You're just going to make it harder for the rest of us."

My face is hot at this point. Looking behind me, I see Ivan and the others are still talking.

"She's right. The security around here will probably increase. They'll most likely have someone watch us 24/7 now." Yelena speaks up, looking tired. No one else says anything as they take in what we said. What Yelena said is probably true. There's no way I'll be able to sneak around anymore to see the Soldier. Turning around, I find the Soldier staring at me and I can sense the same realization in his eyes. I can't think of any way we could get around this. Going over everything that has happened, I remember something. The girls haven't shown any signs of recognition with each other but it's like their self-distructing. Like they can't handle it anymore. It seems as though they want out no matter what, no matter the consequences. I guess the wiping didn't do such a good job after all. Facing the Soldier again, I watch as he listens in to the conversation, occasionally stealing glances at me. We'll find a way, somehow.

Thank you guys for reading and please R&amp;R. :)


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